Photo: Julee Juu

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology researcher and expert

How narcissists and psychopaths work in groups against a chosen target: an in-depth guide.

When we speak about narcissism, we often focus on the individual. He or she is narcissistic. He or she is a victim of a narcissist. Yet what about those victims who are bullied and targeted by groups filled with narcissistic individuals or in a group where the narcissistic pack leader has toxic enablers? What happens when there is mobbing led by an entire group against one individual?

Contrary to popular belief, narcissism can and does run in group dynamics too – it just plays out on an even more massive and destructive scale. Rather than one partner abusing another, there is an entire group working to undermine and plot against a chosen target.

This is especially harmful to any chosen victim because neuroscience research shows that social rejection activates some of the same areas of the brain as areas that process physical pain, bearing strong overlap with the emotional distress involved in both experiences and in intense circumstances it can even activate some regions involved in the sensory components of physical pain as well (Eisenberger, 2003; Kross, et. al 2011). Theoretically, being emotionally abused and alienated by a manipulative group can at times feel just as painful or similarly painful as physical injury although these experiences aren’t identical.

The frontrunners of such a group use enablers to ensure that the recipients of such bullying are properly silenced. This is also known as “mobbing,” where a toxic individual enlists the help of others to carry out his or her vicious campaign and dirty work against another

This scapegoat may at first be love-bombed and adored only to later be devalued as a “black sheep” who is treated like an outsider of the group even if they have contributed to the group and benefited the group the most with their resources, talents, and skill set. This chosen black sheep is then terrorized, taunted, excluded, persecuted and becomes the site of many projections or unfair blame for the mistakes of the narcissistic group. The group has no problem using the victim to advance their agenda or add to their resources, but they fail to recognize or reward the efforts of that individual in a fair way. In fact, the harder the scapegoat works to win the approval of the group, the more the scapegoat is persecuted.

Since the group is usually led by one or more narcissistic or psychopathic individuals, very little mercy or empathy is given to the victim. We see this unhealthy, abusive dynamic play out within the realm of the narcissistic family unit, friendship circles, workplaces and anywhere there is a possibility for bullying, posing great harm to those who are targeted.

The target suffers through unbelievable emotional, verbal, perhaps even physical abuse at the hands of the toxic group, who uses them as a scapegoat for the group’s problems, need for punishment, and deviant desires.

For an excellent example of how a narcissistic group dynamic can undermine and scapegoat one individual, one needs to look no farther than the devastating bullying Today Show co-host Ann Curry suffered under the reign of Matt Lauer (who has now been exposed as a sexual predator) and her colleagues back in 2011.

According to Vulture, executive producer Jim Bell reportedly launched what was known as “Operation Bambi,” a mission to eradicate Curry from the team, early on in her employment (he denies this, of course). She was subjected to not only Lauer’s mistreatment but also exclusion, taunting and bullying by her other colleagues as a result. In 2012, a clearly traumatized Curry was forced to leave the show in a highly televised exit despite the fact that she was, and remains today, a highly talented, empathic and one-of-a-kind journalist.

In fact, NBC lost more than a fifth of its audience after her departure.

This example illustrates something deeply important: groups with one or more psychopaths or narcissists do not target people who are incompetent. On the contrary, they target those who threaten the status quo in some way.

Curry represented the type of conscientious, empathic and sincere person that juxtaposed Lauer’s own predatory personality and threatened the group dynamic of keeping toxic behavior under the wraps. Since the corporate world tends to favor and promote psychopathic individuals, they chose Lauer’s preferences over Curry’s potential and incredible abilities to connect with her viewers in a deeply compassionate way.

To make the narcissistic conspiracy against a scapegoat all the more effective, the victim is further silenced by what makes them so special in the first place – their ability to be discerning, their sensitive nature, their compassion, is used to paint them as erratic or dramatic should they dare speak out…

Read more

Image: Sander Sammy

An earlier version of this article was published on other publications in January 2024.

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology expert and researcher

We have gotten used to regurgitating a certain myth: true narcissism is rare. People have not questioned this myth and even some clinicians will spread this myth without looking into the actual research, although more informed clinicians are much more nuanced in their perspectives.

Where exactly did this definitive idea of rarity come from? Here are the actual numbers we do have. Any incredibly small “rare” statistic you see estimated for narcissistic personality disorder is based on the clinical and research population which is unlikely to represent the true general population since most narcissists will never seek help, volunteer to be evaluated, or engage in impression management when they do, minimizing their traits and behaviors.

The few estimates we do have for general population for NPD ranges up to 6.2% for lifetime prevalence for a 2008 study of 34,653 adults. There are also estimates of up to even 14.73% based on various community samples from older studies, according to Associate Clinical Professor of Harvard Medical School, Dr. Elsa Ronningstam.

For the clinical population, there is also a wide range of 1.3%– 17% prevalence rates when we consider different studies. And it’s not just Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a full-fledged disorder we have to consider: we have to think about the traits of narcissism that may not necessarily meet the full criteria of the disorder too yet still leave an impact. According to a 2021 meta-analysis of 437 studies, the traits of narcissism are associated with multiple forms of aggression, so they can cause harm even when they’re not diagnosed as a disorder.

We don’t have an estimate for how many people have only the subclinical traits of narcissism versus the full-fledged disorder. We also can’t forget that narcissistic people who engage in malignant and maladaptive behaviors tend to target multiple people during their lifetime, increasing the impact of narcissism on society and victims overall.

Next time you hear the myth that narcissism is rare and only exists in a small percentage of the population, remember the facts and question the true motives of the person who wants you to believe this. Are they saying this because they have been misinformed and didn’t bother looking into the research? Are they condescending narcissistic individuals themselves claiming to be academics who don’t actually look rigorously at the extensive literature on the subject or know as much about narcissism and psychopathy as true experts and established researchers on the topic even while pretending they do to gain clout or profit? Or do they have an ulterior motive of ensuring people don’t recognize the widespread impact of these traits because it exposes them? If so, realize this is suspect.

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology expert

An in-depth guide by a psychopathology researcher on how narcissists and psychopaths weaponize the cognitive dissonance of their relationship partners, and how to overcome destructive patterns that keep you trapped in trauma bonds with them.

The Toxic Dynamic Pull: Relationships with Narcissists

Samantha was stuck in a destructive relationship with her boyfriend, Brad. After love bombing her and showering her with false promises, he became distant, verbally abusive, and callous, disregarding her needs and violating her boundaries frequently. She felt as if she no longer could recognize the person she first fell in love with. Yet the more conflicted the relationship became, Samantha found herself rationalizing Brad’s behavior in an attempt to maintain the relationship.

She reminisced about the sweet moments of their first few dates, the whirlwind romance that ensued, and the honeymoon period that abruptly came to a halt as soon as he began stonewalling her. Despite Samantha’s long-held beliefs that she would never tolerate a disrespectful partner, she found herself doing just that, continually meeting transgressions with justifications of his behavior and attempts at further compassion and understanding, only to be met with continued contempt and antagonizing behavior, and evidence of Brad’s infidelity.

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Social psychologist Leon Festinger proposed a theory called cognitive dissonance to describe how conflicting thoughts, beliefs and behaviors can cause an uncomfortable discrepancy. Cognitive dissonance can occur when people learn new information that contradicts their beliefs (belief-disconfirmation), when they act in a way that contradicts their beliefs possibly due to anticipated reward or punishment (induced compliance), or when they engage in an undesirable activity to meet a desired goal (effort-justification). These uncomfortable discrepancies can compel people to try to resolve the cognitive dissonance by changing their thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors to restore a sense of consistency and stability.

Neuroscience research indicates that cognitive dissonance activates certain brain regions which affect our decision-making, the processing of our emotions and the avoidance of aversive outcomes, such as the medial prefrontal cortex, the insula and the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. To resolve cognitive dissonance, people may do one of the following: 1) change their behavior to resolve the conflict 2) change one of their conflicting thoughts in an attempt to justify continuing the behavior 3) add other “consistent” or consonant thoughts to build a case for one thought over the other or 4) minimize the significance of the inconsistency (or dissonant thoughts) or increasing the significance of consonant thoughts.

Research indicates that people in romantic relationships with narcissistic and psychopathic individuals can experience PTSD symptoms related to the relationship (Arabi, 2023). While the harm arising from these relationships is apparent, cognitive dissonance is still prevalent in these types of relationships due to the manipulation and gaslighting survivors are often subjected to. In the realm of intimate partner violence, studies show that abuse victims who are bonded to their abusers (abusers who tend to have antisocial or narcissistic traits) may resolve cognitive dissonance by minimizing or justifying the abuser’s behavior to cope with the trauma of the abuse, engage in self-blame, or reinterpret the aggression in a way that allows for positive feelings about the abuser to continue (i.e. “They were just joking. They didn’t mean it like that”). They may also blame the abuse on an external source, such as substances.

These justifications and leniency are subconscious attempts to resolve cognitive dissonance and tend to make the victim more tolerant of the abuse over time in more committed relationships due to the higher levels of investment. It is also clear that narcissistic abusers use gaslighting tactics to blameshift and to evade accountability for their abuse, which can instill or exacerbate self-blame.

How to Reduce/Fight Back Against Cognitive Dissonance

Here are some powerful ways you can cognitively reframe your experiences with a narcissistic or psychopathic abuser to resolve cognitive dissonance in ways that protect and benefit yourself instead:

1. Reconcile the differences between the narcissist’s true self and their false self by identifying that it is part of their manipulation.  Identifying the narcissist’s true self and their false self is key to resolving cognitive dissonance. Narcissists and psychopaths engage in emotional shape-shifting and chameleon-like behavior to dupe their targets. This is because they are emotionally shallow and do not experience the strong emotions or empathy they claim to feel for others. They can don different personas to make you question yourself and the mistreatment you’re experiencing. That is why you tend to experience Jekyll and Hyde behavior from them to disorient you and make you walk on eggshells – because they are shifting between different identities to get their needs met from other people.

This can create dissonant thoughts and beliefs about who the narcissist really is, and make you engage in specific behaviors or rationalizations to “justify” staying in the relationship. For example, abuse victims may start to believe that they are the ones who are “causing” the narcissist’s behavior when in reality the narcissistic individual follows these manipulative patterns with most of their partners. Or they may gaslight themselves into believing that the narcissist is the loving, empathic partner they portrayed themselves to be in the beginning who “occasionally” gets frustrated and lashes out, minimizing the frequency of the actual abuse. The narcissist will actively add to this cognitive dissonance by blaming you for their abuse and claim that you are the only one who has ever had this problem with them.

In order to resolve this dissonance, you must realize that the positive qualities the narcissist portrayed in the beginning is unlikely to be an identity your narcissistic partner embodies long-term. See it as an initial mask they wore to lure you into the relationship – a mask constructed to appeal to your unique needs, wants, and desires. Once they take this mask off and begin to devalue you, you witness their true colors and their lack of empathy and character. It can help to make a list of the qualities you witnessed in their false self, with a heading like, “The narcissist pretended to be this.” Then, next to this list, write down the qualities you’re experiencing now under the heading, “This is who they really are.”

2. Identify the sunk cost fallacy and any fear of “missing out” of the narcissist’s potential and realize that you do not miss the narcissist, but rather who they pretended to be. In the economics world, the sunk cost fallacy is when a person continues to invest in a behavior, endeavor or undertaking due to the time, energy, and resources they’ve put into it already, regardless of the losses or risks they have incurred and will continue to incur. Think about all that this toxic relationship has already cost you in comparison to the meager benefits…

Read more

Photo by Julien L

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology researcher

Female narcissists and psychopaths are maliciously envious of others, much like their male counterparts. However, the ways they treat women they are envious of tend to translate into vicious attacks that can be underhanded and demeaning, rooted in malignant projections and false accusations that are more indicative of their own behavior and character.

Here are four manipulation methods to watch out for if you suspect you are dealing with a female narcissist — whether friend, foe, colleague, or even stranger.

The “You’re Fake” Accusation

There’s nothing female narcissists and psychopaths love more than claiming that the achievements, natural beauty, and talents of the women they envy must be what they perceive to be “fake” or fraudulent in some way. They target organically successful and attractive individuals they are jealous of in an attempt to emotionally destabilize them. Whether it’s minimizing your success as luck, accusing you of being duplicitous and deceptive when you are authentic and empathic, claiming a beautiful woman must have had surgical enhancements when she’s had a history of having attractive features since youth, or attempting to detract from a woman’s long history of education and career advancement, the particular accusation is driven by jealousy of the traits, behaviors, and accomplishments they most covet in you. They envy the traits and qualities you naturally embody.

Within this malignant projection of their own fraudulent behaviors, there is a confession. They are telling you, “I could not possibly be this intelligent, talented, authentically caring, successful, talented, or beautiful — so how dare this other woman be?”

The “You’re Immoral” Projection

Female narcissists and psychopaths don’t just target friends and colleagues they know — they can even project onto complete strangers. This type of behavior is rampant on social media. When a female narcissist sees a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman existing whether in real life or on social media, they are motivated to viciously attack her — whether through smear campaigns, harassing messages, false accusations, or threats all while disguising their true motives.

Often, I hear stories from survivors of female narcissists who they have never met stalking and monitoring their activity on social media and online platforms, harassing them for no other apparent reason than jealousy.

When they engage in this conduct with complete strangers, it reveals how deeply rooted their envy is. They may claim they engage in this behavior to “expose” the woman they’re most jealous of — a woman they barely know. They may even try to depict women they’re jealous of as morally dubious and corrupt.

All of this behavior remains unprovoked, instigated by the female narcissist for what appears to be no reason at all. However, beneath the surface, there is a clear motive and agenda to punish a woman for to surpass them in their strengths, talents, popularity, intelligence, insight, and attractiveness. They gain sadistic pleasure and relieve a perceived ego threat when lashing out and retaliating against innocent women who they see as “above them” in some way.

The “I Am You” Identity Theft

Female narcissists and psychopaths don’t just mimic or imitate the qualities and achievements they admire in you — they strive to “morph” into you, copying facets of your identity…

Read more

Thank you to all readers who made this possible and skyrocketed the paperback’s bestseller rank as well, making the book even more visible to readers who may need it as a resource. I so appreciate all your support! 🤍🙏♥️

The Audie Award nominated book Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is available in all major physical bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble and everywhere books are sold.

You can also purchase it directly from the publisher here or alternatively on Amazon here or all other retailers of your choice as well!

Editorial Reviews

“This book is a must-read for anyone wanting to understand why they became so unhealthily attached to a toxic person, and how to reclaim personal power and integrity.” —George Simon, PhD, author of the international best-seller, In Sheep’s Clothing, and Character Disturbance

“Shahida Arabi masterfully educates readers about the complex intersection of neuroscience and the intricacies of healing in the aftermath of psychological abuse. Written in a style that is digestible, informative, and packed with research, Shahida’s book will no doubt serve as an essential guide for survivors and helping professionals alike. Bravo, Shahida!” —Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker/psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, and author of Soul Vampires

“Shahida Arabi’s work has contributed mightily to our understanding of how to help victims identify, avoid, and escape from toxic narcissists and psychopaths. Her latest book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths, brilliantly outs the dynamics of such exploitive, destructive people. Her guidance on escaping from ensnaring narcissists is the most comprehensive I have ever read. Anyone who reads it will be aided greatly in avoiding or breaking trauma bonds.” —Pete Walker, LMFT, traumatologist, and best-selling author of Complex PTSD

“A transformational book for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it provides a killer combination of impeccable research, science, and case studies to reassure readers that what happened to them was no one-off or in any way their fault, and, additionally, that the distress they feel is not an ‘overreaction,’ but the measurable effect of trauma on their brains—which can, happily, be gradually reverted by doing the healing work Arabi outlines.” —Annie Kaszina, PhD, www.recoverfromemotionalabuse.com, and author of Married to Mr. Nasty and The Woman You Want to Be

“Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is a vital resource for survivors seeking to reclaim their mental and emotional well-being. Shahida’s insightful guidance empowers individuals to break free from the destructive cycles of manipulative relationships. With clarity and compassion, this book provides a road map for detaching from toxic bonds and rediscovering inner strength. A must-read for those ready to break free from the grips of trauma and reclaim their sense of self.” —Lisa A. Romano, life coach and award-winning author specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery

“Readers will find validation and clarity in Shahida Arabi’s science-based, research-backed analysis. They will also encounter a knowledgeable and compassionate guide who provides hope and the important steps to begin to support the self-awareness necessary to break through the disorientation and fragmentation that accompanies this kind of destructive relational dynamic, and ultimately return to wholeness.” —Gretchen Seitz, DAOM, LAc, owner of Seitz Acupuncture and Integrative Health

Photo by LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR

Dark triad personalities target innocent people. Two spiritual platitudes dismantled by a psychopathology researcher.

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, trauma expert and psychopathology researcher

You have probably come across this phrase in your healing journey. “Hurt people hurt people. Take the high road. Be the bigger person.”

Actually? Hurt people often don’t hurt innocent people; envious dark triad personalities do. Here’s why this platitude is inaccurate, according to research.

Hurting people is a choice and it is appropriate to hold offenders accountable by enforcing healthy consequences and strong boundaries. Those who accidentally hurt people on a rare occasion tend to make amends and change their behavior long-term.

People who repeat harmful behavior chronically and target innocent people they feel threatened by are doing it on purpose and do not necessarily have a background of trauma. Dark triad personalities are usually targeting people out of malicious envy, sabotaging others for pleasure or profit, or in retaliation in response to perceived slights.

Narcissistic traits tend to be bred by spoiling and overvaluing children to the point of entitlement according to longitudinal research. Primary psychopaths who have a biological predisposition toward callous-unemotional traits are less likely to have childhood trauma and trauma related symptoms according to studies.

Many who do have childhood trauma do not harm innocent people sadistically or out of malicious envy. If anything, they might react to the perpetrators who harmed them - not people who did nothing to them.

This bears repeating: people who don’t have narcissistic or psychopathic traits are more likely to react to the perpetrators that harmed them and not innocent people.

Being kind to unkind people can actually harm you. Hurt people don’t hurt people — toxic people do.

Be kind to unkind people? That’s another platitude that may actually harm you. When people treat you disrespectfully, don't double down on kindness and respect in return unless you need to in times of danger. You were already the bigger person when they chose to harm you. Take the road that most benefits, defends, and protects you and toxic people can stay behind.

No need to reward bad behavior: that just continues the cycle of enabling toxic people who go unchecked, feeling like they can do whatever they wish and they will never be reprimanded or punished for it — in fact, they learn to feel entitled to being rewarded for being cruel. It sets you up to be further taken advantage of, exploited, and harmed.

That doesn't help anyone in this world and certainly doesn't help their future innocent victims. At the very least, remain neutral rather than trying to give them kindness they do not deserve. At best, present consequences, enforce boundaries, and accountability when possible. Save your extra kindness and compassion for the people who can actually reciprocate.

Remember: hurt people don't hurt people — narcissistic and toxic people can chronically harm innocent people unprovoked out of envy, malice, and projection.

Hurt people often strive not to harm innocent people the way they have been harmed and take full accountability if they hurt others unintentionally. Their behavior matches their words long-term.

©️ 2025 Shahida Arabi, MA • Psychopathology Researcher

Thank you to all the readers who made this possible. Alchemy delves into the neuroscience behind manifestation while also providing trauma-informed guidance to help achieve your goals after toxic relationships.

Learn more about Alchemy here.

Photo by Look Studio

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology and trauma expert

Have you ever experienced abuse where only you were the one who knew it was abuse? You may have experienced “dog whistling,” a covert form of abuse that is intended to strategically disorient the victim while escaping accountability. A “dog whistle” is a distinct, high-pitched whistle that is audible to dogs but not to humans. Similarly, in politics, “dog whistling” is a term used to describe coded language or subtle signals that relay something seemingly innocuous to most people but has a specific, usually controversial underlying message.

This message is directed at a subgroup of people to garner support from that specific group. In politics, dog whistling is often used when the message is too distasteful to explicitly communicate to the general population – therefore it is only “audible” or understandable to the targeted audience it is intended to influence.

In the context of abusive relationships, dog whistling can be used to target and terrorize the victim. Narcissistic and psychopathic individuals can use insidious and diverse forms of dog whistling to covertly manipulate and belittle their victims while escaping consequences, accountability, and judgment from witnesses. Narcissists and psychopaths can use abusive “dog whistles” in public to subtly degrade and threaten you in front of others, to compare you to others, or even use it in one-on-one conversations with you where the intention is to gaslight, taunt, mock, and slander you should you try to call them out for their behavior.

Here are some common ways they may use “dog whistling” to covertly abuse you: 1) Degrading you in front of others to underhandedly humiliate you. 2) Dishing out covert threats. 3) Covertly abusing, retraumatizing, and gaslighting you one-on-one by making references to your past traumas, wounds, and triggers. 4) Making subtle degrading comparisons and inducing jealousy, and 5) Provoking you through social media.

Below, you will find in-depth explanations and detailed examples of how each tactic may be weaponized.

1. Dog whistling to degrade you in front of others and underhandedly humiliate you.

Narcissistic and psychopathic individuals derive a special kind of glee from being able to belittle you in front of an audience without being held responsible. In research, this form of sadistic glee in deceiving others is known as duping delight and it is associated with psychopathic traits. When a narcissist or psychopath uses dog whistling in front of others, they may do so by using a specific phrase or reference that unsettles you in public because you know its hidden meaning, whereas other people around you don’t. If you try to confront the narcissist about this abuse in public, they will be able to depict you as “unhinged” and “crazy” because such a reference looks innocent and well-meaning to others. This gives them pleasure in being able to get away with abusing you without consequences.

For example, a wife who frequently receives hypercritical, abusive, and controlling comments about her weight from her husband at home may receive a “coded message” or dog whistle from her husband at a dinner party. In front of other guests, her husband may “jokingly” and “playfully” comment on how much she enjoys cake, while allowing for laughter at her expense. Although this may seem like an innocent joke to outsiders, the wife experiences this comment as a continuation of his abuse at home, and she is also able to readily identify the smug, contemptuous glance her husband gives her when he says it. Only she understands the “dog whistle.” However, if she calls this abuse out in front of other guests, she will be labeled as “oversensitive” by her husband, who will likely don a shocked display of faux innocence to convince others around him that he is being falsely accused – and to depict his wife as “crazy.”

2) Dog whistling to dish out covert threats.

Covert degradation and dog whistling can also come in the form of threats and foreshadowing of abuse to come. The dog whistle in these scenarios work to condition the victim’s behavior and train them to walk on eggshells around the abuser. For example, a narcissistic father who abuses his children may mention a triggering topic for his children at a family event. Perhaps he “lovingly” tells his son that his hair is messy in a seemingly concerned voice in front of other family members, raising alarm bells for the son who has recently been hit by his father for not brushing his hair correctly. The son is then compelled to fix his unkempt hair anxiously in an effort to avoid punishment.

Or, an abused wife is having dinner with her husband and their friends when her husband remarks on a recent news story about a wife who was murdered trying to leave her husband. He may fake a distressed tone when relaying this story yet give a suggestive glance at his horrified wife as he tells it. This is a dog-whistling threat to keep her silent and compliant, in case she’s getting any ideas of leaving him. The dog whistle message is clear to the victim and disguised to the public: obey me or face the consequences.

3) Dog whistling to covertly abuse, gaslight, and retraumatize you one-on-one by using references to your triggers, wounds, insecurities, and past traumas.

In a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath, dog whistling doesn’t always have to take place immediately in front of others. Manipulators can also use coded language to get you to react to their chronic abuse behind closed doors – only to later use your reactions against you, both within the relationship as well as in smear campaigns to others.

For example, if a narcissist or psychopath knows you are sensitive about certain topics or get triggered by specific subjects, they will deliberately go out of their way to subtly reference those topics to wound, trigger, and retraumatize you…

To read the rest of the article, continue scrolling down if you are a paid Substack subscriber who already has access or consider becoming a paid subscriber.

Self-Care Haven and Narcissism is written by a psychopathology expert specializing in narcissism and psychopathy. To unlock the rest of the article and gain access to exclusive paid subscriber articles, healing audios, and our 300-page modern dating guide for women, consider becoming a paid subscriber.

Read more

Photo Credit: Curated Lifestyle

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology expert and researcher

Normal break-ups with empathic people can occur due to incompatibility and changing life circumstances, but narcissistic and psychopathic individuals break up for very different reasons and are never fully “done” with you, even after the break-up.

In fact, research indicates that narcissistic and psychopathic individuals are likely to remain in contact with their exes for continued access to resources and sex. The break-up is often orchestrated and embedded into the continuing cycle of abuse.

Here are three main reasons narcissists and psychopaths really break up with and discard a romantic partner.

1. They want to gaslight you into believing you were the problem all along and ensure they’re the ones who leave “first” as a power play.

It’s common for narcissists and psychopaths to use valid-sounding phrases to break up with their partners such as, “This isn’t going to work,” “I am done,” and “I just can’t do this anymore” to express their so-called dismay and disapproval of you during a break-up. However, unlike empathic partners who genuinely feel like they cannot be in a relationship anymore, narcissists misuse these phrases to gaslight you after a long period where they were the ones mistreating and manipulating you.

They were likely love-bombing you intermittently throughout the relationship, giving you false hope that they would change back into the sweet, loving person they portrayed themselves to be at the beginning of the relationship to keep you hooked. They may have even faked remorse and begged you for your forgiveness many times to prevent you from leaving them – this was just a power play so they could leave you first.

After all, if you had been able to leave them first due to their abuse, this would identify them as the problem, and you would feel validated in your decision. You would essentially “win” the break-up – this is how a narcissist or psychopath views such an ending as they see relationships not as partnerships but rather as chess games. If they are able to bring you back into the abuse cycle with false promises, however, they have an opportunity to depict you as the main culprit and make you believe that you were the problem all along, painting you with unsavory qualities and traits you do not possess but they do.

As they break up with you, it can feel abrupt, callous, cold, and emotionless. That is because unbeknownst to their partners, narcissists may have been planning the discard for longer than you might expect. A relationship with a narcissist is “planned” strategically to gain ultimate power over the victim and demean them.

There is no better opportunity for a narcissist to try to emotionally debilitate a partner than the break-up. However, that doesn’t mean they won’t return – as noted earlier, narcissists can return many times even after the ending of the relationship to ensure they still maintain power over you and possibly retain access to resources and sex.

They can no longer control you, so they need time to traumatize you and hunt for victims they can control.

Narcissists and psychopaths who aren’t quite ready for a full-fledged break-up but want to test the waters and violate your boundaries while pursuing others may ask for a temporary “break” instead. Don’t be fooled: this is simply a prelude to the manufactured break-up they plan to do later if one of their other targets they’re baiting bites.

It’s true that narcissists and psychopaths enjoy a challenge and can prey on very intelligent, successful, and assertive victims. They feel fulfilled and powerful knowing they can break down even the strongest of victims by identifying their vulnerabilities and using both their strengths and weaknesses against them. However, even narcissists and psychopaths have “limits.” If they feel they can no longer control you because you saw through their false mask, saw their true nature accurately, and are no longer under their spell, they know they will have to put in far more effort, time, energy, and investment to keep you around – something they’d rather avoid doing because they know an easier “shortcut” would be to terrorize you enough so you never forget them and inadvertently develop a traumatic bond with them instead.

When you are no longer willing to rationalize their abusive behavior, dismiss the red flags or minimize their transgressions, narcissists and psychopaths know that a temporary break-up will traumatize you sufficiently to keep you trauma bonded to them whenever they choose to come back again, yet leave them free to hunt for other more vulnerable targets that are more susceptible to their manipulation.

This is why you may receive an “I miss you” or “I’ve been thinking about you” text weeks or months after the break-up to reel you back in and emotionally catfish you into believing they’re still in love with you. Beware: They don’t miss you: they miss controlling you. They are likely looking for an opportunity to keep you thinking about them after the break-up and some may even try to pit you against another target to provoke jealousy in you post-breakup.

Narcissists are notorious for trying to provoke jealousy long after the relationship has ended, especially through social media. If you do choose to re-engage with them, rest assured that they will begin the manipulation all over again, with an even fierce intensity than the first time around. They enjoy punishing targets who they lost control of and also enjoy putting down targets they look at as “gullible” enough to take them back. If you have fallen into this trap, it’s important not to blame yourself, as the trauma bond can be both addictive and difficult to extricate yourself from.

They want to maintain significance in your life by leaving an intense emotional impact.

Some targets of narcissists do not fall for the narcissist’s charms as easily as they’d like them to. You may have resisted the narcissist’s manipulation by refusing to open up to the narcissist, “failing” to disclose your vulnerabilities to them or even identifying their manipulation tactics. Yet they know that any victim will feel somewhat unsettled by a breakup, even if it’s with someone they’ve deemed manipulative. The breakup is usually implemented as a way to maintain their significance in your life, even if you were not interested in pursuing anything long-term with them.

A breakup symbolizes loss and narcissists associate that kind of “rejection” with need, longing, and desire. That’s because when narcissists are rejected, they incur a narcissistic injury and often chase after those who rejected them in an effort to punish them and regain validation. Narcissists thus expect that if they break up with someone, others will chase them in turn because that is what they would do in the same situation.

That is why they expect you to pine for them after the breakup and orchestrate the breakup as a way to make themselves memorable to you. It momentarily positions them as “higher” than you on the totem pole as they break the news to you with an air of false superiority. This is a tactic they use frequently to demean those they perceive to be out of their league otherwise.

If you are experiencing a temporary “break” or a manufactured break-up with a narcissist, it’s vital that you take it as an opportunity to begin to detox and detach from your trauma bond with them, preferably with the help of a trauma-informed mental health professional — rather than falling prey to the deliberate manipulation they are weaponizing to keep you tethered to them.

Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is available in all major physical bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble and everywhere books are sold.

You can also purchase it directly from the publisher here or alternatively on Amazon here and all other retailers of your choice as well!

Editorial Reviews

“This book is a must-read for anyone wanting to understand why they became so unhealthily attached to a toxic person, and how to reclaim personal power and integrity.” —Dr. George Simon, PhD, author of the international best-seller, In Sheep’s Clothing, and Character Disturbance

“Shahida Arabi masterfully educates readers about the complex intersection of neuroscience and the intricacies of healing in the aftermath of psychological abuse. Written in a style that is digestible, informative, and packed with research, Shahida’s book will no doubt serve as an essential guide for survivors and helping professionals alike. Bravo, Shahida!” —Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker/psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, and author of Soul Vampires

“Shahida Arabi’s work has contributed mightily to our understanding of how to help victims identify, avoid, and escape from toxic narcissists and psychopaths. Her latest book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths, brilliantly outs the dynamics of such exploitive, destructive people. Her guidance on escaping from ensnaring narcissists is the most comprehensive I have ever read. Anyone who reads it will be aided greatly in avoiding or breaking trauma bonds.” —Pete Walker, LMFT, traumatologist, and best-selling author of Complex PTSD

“A transformational book for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it provides a killer combination of impeccable research, science, and case studies to reassure readers that what happened to them was no one-off or in any way their fault, and, additionally, that the distress they feel is not an ‘overreaction,’ but the measurable effect of trauma on their brains—which can, happily, be gradually reverted by doing the healing work Arabi outlines.” —Annie Kaszina, PhD, coach and author of Married to Mr. Nasty andThe Woman You Want to Be

“Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is a vital resource for survivors seeking to reclaim their mental and emotional well-being. Shahida’s insightful guidance empowers individuals to break free from the destructive cycles of manipulative relationships. With clarity and compassion, this book provides a road map for detaching from toxic bonds and rediscovering inner strength. A must-read for those ready to break free from the grips of trauma and reclaim their sense of self.” —Lisa A. Romano, life coach and award-winning author specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery

“Readers will find validation and clarity in Shahida Arabi’s science-based, research-backed analysis. They will also encounter a knowledgeable and compassionate guide who provides hope and the important steps to begin to support the self-awareness necessary to break through the disorientation and fragmentation that accompanies this kind of destructive relational dynamic, and ultimately return to wholeness.” —Gretchen Seitz, DAOM, LAc, owner of Seitz Acupuncture and Integrative Health

Photo: Vitaly Gariev

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology expert

There is a manipulation tactic in romantic relationships so covert among narcissistic people that it is rarely spoken about. Here are some signs you may be encountering this manipulation method, according to a researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy.

Have you heard about the abusive method known as antagonistic countering? Countering is an abusive method where a toxic or narcissistic individual chronically opposes and expresses antagonism toward your thoughts, feelings, ideas, interests, opinions, perceptions, achievements, goals, progress, likes, dislikes, emotions, and experiences you express either excitement or concern about.

When narcissistic individuals use countering to manipulate you and play “devil’s advocate,” they do so not because they genuinely feel a certain way or strongly about any particular subject, but rather because they want you feeling perpetually off-kilter and on the defense, overexplaining and proving yourself. They want to deflate your joy or interest, no matter what the subject is.

They will also move the goal posts frequently, so their opinion changes based on what you feel and believe, just to antagonistically oppose you. This leaves you exhausted and drained on a daily basis, so that you are less able to fight back against ongoing abuse and manipulation, and less able to trust yourself. When you are conditioned by frequent countering in an abusive relationship, you feel unable to express yourself.

You are silenced, made to feel like you have to walk on eggshells just to have a right to exist, react, and respond genuinely to the world around you without this toxic individual nitpicking and hypercriticizing your perspectives. When you are conditioned by frequent countering in an abusive relationship, you feel unable to express yourself authentically. Essentially when narcissists use countering as an abuse tactic, they’re programming you to fight for permission to be yourself.

Here are five insidious signs you may be experiencing countering, discussed in-depth below.

1) You feel unsettled and disoriented around this person whenever you bring up happy news or an issue that matters to you.

Does the person you’re sharing good news with often respond with negging, minimizing remarks or covert put-downs that make you feel uncomfortable and deflated? According to research, both narcissistic and psychopathic traits are associated with “malicious envy.” This is the form of envy where the individual lashes out or sabotages the person they are envious of.

Whenever you share an achievement, a happy moment, or comment on something you enjoy, a toxic individual will usually try to “counter” it due to their own envy and insecurity. They may do this by dropping a fear-mongering or negative comment that emphasizes why you should not be enjoying your latest accomplishment or peaceful moment. Or they may introduce an unhealthy comparison or critical comment that deflates your joy that doesn’t make sense in context of what is being discussed or contradicts their own earlier beliefs or behaviors; that is how you know this is designed deliberately to anatagonize and oppose you.

Here’s an example of how that may look when you’re in a relationship with a countering narcissist.

Example: Jessica is enjoying some pasta and wine for a celebratory dinner with her friends. She’s just had a great day at work, has received a promotion, and wants to share this peaceful moment of happiness with her partner, Eric. She texts Eric about her day and asks how he is. Rather than being happy for her, Eric calls her and tells her that pasta is too heavy of a meal and tells her to “be careful” with the wine she’s drinking. He expresses an unenthusiastic congratulations at her promotion when she reminds him of the news, only to follow up with asking whether or not it’s truly worth celebrating and questioning whether her company will really be paying her more. Jessica feels unease, discomfort, and a sense of betrayal at such a disappointing response, especially since she remembers celebrating Eric’s own promotion a few months ago with fervor and throwing him a party.

Jessica is also confused about his hypercritical remarks about what she is eating and drinking, since she remembers that Eric ate three bowls of pasta recently at a friend’s party and is known to drink full bottles of champagne. When she confronts him on his double standards, Eric gaslights her and tells her she’s being “too sensitive.” She starts to realize that this is a recurring pattern of his: even if he has enjoyed the very things she brings up in the past, he makes it a point to go out of his way to ruin her good time when she’s the one enjoying them.

Narcissistic individuals do this so they can get you to associate your achievements and happy memories with their destructive feedback. This is a way to micromanage and control you, so that you rely on their validation, even when you’re creating happiness outside of them.

2) The toxic person always plays “devil’s advocate.” You feel like you have to overexplain yourself and justify why you feel or think the way you do, even when your experiences are completely valid.

While polite, respectful disagreement, constructive conflict, and occasional debate can be healthy in relationships, countering is quite different because the toxic individual will deliberately and frequently frame their perspective to oppose you, even if they expressed a different opinion of the same subject last week.

They will change the goal posts as soon as you agree with them, just to nitpick on something else…

Read more

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, trauma and psychopathology expert and researcher

As a child, you may have experienced parentification by narcissistic or emotionally immature parents, burdened by the problems and responsibilities that belonged to the adults who were meant to take care of you. Simultaneously, you may have also been infantilized and discouraged from becoming independent, so you were more susceptible to their control, all while expected to solve the problems of the adults around you and manage the emotions of the adults in your life. You often feel like you didn’t ever get to be just a child, and you might subconsciously gravitate toward narcissistic or toxic people in adulthood (and they gravitate toward you) as part of what feels like an endless trauma repetition cycle.

As a researcher specializing in narcissism, I’ve corresponded with not only thousands of people involved in romantic relationships with narcissistic partners but also many adult children of narcissists who struggle with the harmful beliefs and traumas of their early upbringing. Children of narcissistic parents can suffer long-lasting effects in adulthood that affect their self-esteem, mental health, their susceptibility to re-traumatization (known as the trauma repetition or trauma reenactment cycle), and emotional regulation.

Many want to know how they can heal and engage in reparenting practices that allow them to build a more solid foundation for healthy self-esteem and nervous system regulation, especially if they were raised by a parent who lacked empathy or forced them into adult roles and responsibilities before they were ready.

Here are five powerful steps you can take to re-parent yourself as an adult if you were the child of a narcissistic parent, discussed in-depth below.

Read more

There’s still two days left to enter and I hope my readers will join in on the fun too — limited copies available and Goodreads sends the Kindle edition straight to your device if you win on August 18th.

Click Here to Enter to Win Alchemy: Goodreads Giveaway

Please note: For those who entered the early July summer giveaway for Breaking Trauma Bonds and Alchemy, that is now complete and winners were already notified. This is a separate giveaway hosted by Goodreads and just another chance to win. 🤍✨🥰🙏

Alchemy

“Alchemy is a beautifully written book that expertly blends neuroscience and positive psychology with a dash of spirituality. Shahida has done it again, daring readers to tap into their inner alchemist and guiding them through science-backed practices and trauma-informed exercises that help them rewire their brains for healthy relationships and pursue meaningful, purpose-driven life goals. On-point, concise, and overflowing with pertinent wisdom, Alchemy empowers seekers of healing and transcendence to transform their suffering into triumph and create the life of their dreams.” 

— Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C and EMDR certified and trauma focused psychotherapist 

“Shahida Arabi has written a powerful book for survivors of trauma that teaches them how to transmute the harm they’ve experienced into a beautiful, abundant life. Grounded in neuroscience and informed by her years of expertise and research into the effects of trauma and overcoming toxic relationships, Shahida’s latest book is a revelation for all of us who want to manifest a life defined not by what happened to us, but by what becomes possible after survival.” 

— Elizabeth Cronise McLaughlin, Founder of The Ripple Effect Institute

“Alchemy is an empowering and masterful guidebook by bestselling author and researcher Shahida Arabi. Backed by neuroscience, it effectively helps readers create an abundant life of love and freedom after adversity, trauma, and the radical survival of toxic relationships with narcissistic people and manipulators.” —Dr. Gretchen Seitz, DAOM, LAc, Seitz Acupuncture and Integrative Health, A Place for Healing®️

Photo by Danylo Harmatiy

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, trauma and psychopathology expert and researcher

You may wonder why you have so many conflicting emotions, thoughts and behaviors when it comes to relational trauma, especially if you’ve been traumatized by a manipulative narcissist. 

Why do you vacillate between longing for them one moment, only to resent them the next? Why does your brain seem so attached to memories of the love bombing they subjected you to, despite their mistreatment? Most people talk about the wounded “inner child” being at play — but did you know you may actually have multiple inner parts that could be causing these internal conflicts and heightening the trauma bond with the narcissist?

The Internal Family Systems model, created by therapist Dr. Richard Schwartz, posits that we all have “inner parts” that fall into three main categories: exiles, managers, and firefighters. These inner parts are discrete facets of our personalities or “subpersonalities” that serve vital survival and protective functions. These create an “internal family” inside of our mind.

When these inner parts are healthy, unburdened, and are able to contribute to our well-being and survival without using maladaptive strategies, this internal system can be led successfully by the core “Self,” the compassionate, calm, centered, connected and grounded self we all have within us.

Each inner part wants something positive for the core “Self” but can go to extreme lengths to do so or use maladaptive strategies to achieve their goals, especially if they have been shaped by trauma. These inner parts can reveal themselves through behaviors, thoughts, emotions, images, sensations and more, and provide feedback to the “Self” that can guide the decisions the “Self” makes.

When they are burdened with traumas and triggers, these inner parts can act out in extreme ways that harm us, even though their intentions are usually to defend, protect, and guide us back to safety.

This evidence-based model of psychotherapy is groundbreaking, especially when it comes to conceptualizing the impact of childhood trauma on our behavior. However, less has been spoken about how this model can also inform our relationships with narcissistic or psychopathic individuals.

When we’ve been traumatized by narcissistic individuals, these inner parts can come into conflict and “fight” with each other for control, causing our inextricable trauma bond with the narcissist (a bond that develops as a survival mechanism) to become even stronger in some cases.

Here is how our inner parts can influence our attachment to narcissists:

Exiles carry the pain of childhood traumas and search for a rescuer. These younger inner parts often hold the burdens of childhood traumas, including the original terror, pain, shame, wounds, memories and fear from those traumas. Exile inner parts are especially vulnerable and fragile; they may seek validation, reassurance, comfort, and feel a need to tell their story and have it heard.

Exile inner parts can hold an intense desire to avoid abandonment and attach to the narcissist out of fear of being abandoned again and having to confront their childhood trauma alone. These parts can become especially trauma bonded to the abuser and come to view the abuser as a “rescuer” figure even though the abuser is also the source of their present pain and trauma. Since the narcissistic or psychopathic abuser creates a cycle of hurt-and-rescue and intermittent reinforcement with their victims, your “exile” inner parts may be severely triggered into making frantic attempts to avoid abandonment and seek validation from the abuser, even though you know this person has harmed you chronically.  This can cause you to return to the relationship repeatedly even when it becomes unhealthy and destructive.

Managers are the protector inner parts that proactively try to control situations and relationships to prevent the pain of exiles from being experienced in the first place by mitigating the risks of triggers. They attempt to “shield” the younger parts and their wounds from being exposed to the dangers of the world. These are the CEOs of our mental landscape, avoiding situations that could trigger the pain of your “younger” exile inner parts to come into consciousness and disrupting your daily life. They may do this through perfectionism, caretaking, overachieving, constantly striving toward goals (for example, through excessively exercising or overworking), people-pleasing, codependency or by engaging in hypercritical and aggressive behaviors toward others in order to control them.

In a relationship with a narcissist, your manager inner parts may try to suppress any core wounds from surfacing by internalizing the abuse and engaging in self-blame or trying to control the narcissist. They may take on a caretaker role with the narcissist to try to “nurse” or educate the narcissist back into being an empathic person, an effort that often proves fruitless…

Read more

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, narcissism and psychopathology researcher

Time and time again, I am privy to the dating horror stories of thousands of women, especially on dating apps. While I don’t recommend using apps for the vast majority of women (especially since narcissistic and psychopathic people tend to gravitate toward them as a way to target multiple people at once), it’s still important to talk about the red flags they may run into if they still use apps.

Here are eight messages you may receive on dating apps that seem innocent at first, but actually hold more sinister implications in the era of modern romance and hookup culture.

What are you looking for?

At first glance, this phrase seems innocuous. After all, doesn’t everyone want to be transparent about what they’re looking for so no one gets led on? Women who ask this question may assume that men who ask them the same are doing so for the same reasons; unfortunately, that is usually not the case. When used specifically by emotionally unavailable men on dating apps, it is usually a way of gauging your interest in hooking up, with a few exceptions. When used by narcissists in general, this phrase can also be used to identify if you’re searching for a relationship so you are more susceptible to manipulation. Once they find out what you’re looking for, narcissists can manufacture the “soulmate effect.” The narcissist may mirror your hobbies and interests, your deepest desires and what you’re looking for in a partner to exploit you for whatever they need. They will create the ideal relationship based on your response only to later devalue you.

It’s fair to assume that most people on a dating app would be looking for dating, so the question is often unnecessary unless you’re looking for something else. Whether someone wants a long-term relationship with a specific person or not will usually become clearer further along the dating process. Some men who are looking for anything outside of these parameters are searching for something outside of what they know is the “default,” so they’re curious if you’d be open to a hookup or something casual instead. Yet instead of saying upfront what they are looking for, they will do something much more devious: they will ask you first in hopes that you are also looking for a hookup. If you say you are looking for a relationship, they will usually mirror your response and pretend they want a relationship too even though they are just looking for sex, or double down hoping they can coerce you into something more casual. Also be wary of potential dating partners who  tell you they are “not looking for anything serious” or “going with the flow.” This is less of a subtle red flag and more of a glaring stop sign. If someone hints that they are not looking for anything serious even if you’ve established you’re here to date, you are not compatible and will only be settling for less.

Never let anyone know what you’re looking for right away unless it’s simply to reiterate that you are here to date. After all, you don’t know this person. You don’t know yet if you are looking for anything specifically with them. Instead, turn the question back on the person who asked and be mindful that some men will misrepresent what they are looking for. You can also go for a safer reply like, “I am here to go on dates to see if there’s a connection.”

I am not looking for any drama. No drama.

People who state on their profiles or messages that they are not looking for any drama tend to be the sources of drama. People who are emotionally stable and calm rarely need to announce that they do not need any drama in their lives. Those who declare they are avoiding “drama” are usually gaslighters who avoid constructive conversations and healthy accountability. These toxic types approach every discussion as a fight and perceive it as a challenge to their sense of entitlement rather than having the emotional maturity to handle it when someone is expressing their valid emotions. Ask yourself: why are they preemptively announcing that they’re not looking for drama? Is it because they manufacture chaos on purpose? Or have a lot of chaos in their lives as a result of not being able to handle a basic conversation without resorting to belittling others? Chances are, you’re the one who will be subjected to drama if you entertain them.

“I would never lie to you. My best quality is my empathy. Looking for someone loyal.”

Similarly, watch out for other preemptive, unprovoked defenses like, “I am trustworthy and would never lie to you,” or “I love empathy, I am so empathic” as this can be a red flag of a pathological liar who feels the need to establish their trustworthiness early on. Here’s why…

Read more

Photo by Andrej Lišakov

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, trauma and psychopathology expert and researcher

An earlier version of this article by this same author have appeared in different publications since 2023. Copyright is retained by the author, Shahida Arabi.

As a researcher who specializes in narcissism and psychopathy, I have often heard stories from individuals who have been in romantic relationships with narcissistic or psychopathic partners reporting that they experience PTSD symptoms that “mimic” patterns of BPD even though they do not have BPD. This is due to the natural trauma reactions that arise in response to the abusive cycles and trauma bonding in these relationships.

Some therapists have noted that individuals can also be misdiagnosed with BPD when they are actually experiencing more temporary traumatic symptoms resulting from abusive relationships or when they are actually suffering from Complex PTSD. Many of the same symptoms – such as the emotional ups and downs due to the “mean and sweet” cycle of abuse and frantic attempts to avoid abandonment can occur in these tumultuous relationships.

In those specific cases, such symptoms tend to improve and heal after exiting the abusive relationship and with appropriate trauma treatments.

Separately, there are also cases of individuals who do have BPD having a pattern of being in relationships with narcissistic or psychopathic individuals or being targeted by narcissistic or psychopathic individuals due to their pre-existing emotional vulnerabilities, making them especially susceptible to provocation. Such relationships can exacerbate any pre-existing symptoms of BPD and may cause additional complex trauma.

How Does BPD differ from NPD?

Photo by Andrej Lišakov

Many people wonder how Borderline Personality Disorder differs from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or how Borderline Personality Disorder differs from the usual symptoms of trauma. While there are a few overlapping symptoms between these conditions, there are many marked differences between Borderline Personality Disorder with no other comorbid conditions (as well as borderline traits on their own) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or narcissistic traits on their own) that are worth highlighting. There are also some important distinctions between Borderline Personality Disorder and more temporary symptoms of trauma or complex trauma.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition with a long-term, sustained pattern of behavior characterized by emotional intensity and affective dysregulation, a pattern of unstable relationships, impulsivity, frantic attempts to avoid abandonment and reoccurring self-harm. Symptoms and traits of BPD usually begin in adolescence, but BPD can only be diagnosed in adults.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a chronic lack of empathy, exploitation of others, an excessive sense of entitlement, pathological envy, a haughty or condescending attitude, vanity or self-absorption, and a need for admiration. While NPD likely also involves an interaction between biological and environmental factors, some research, including longitudinal studies, suggest that parental overvaluation in childhood may cause narcissistic traits.

One of the biggest differences between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder is in the capacity for emotional empathy…

Read more

Image by Fotos

Written by trauma and psychopathology researcher and expert, Shahida Arabi, MA

Copyright for this article begins as early as January 2023 as earlier versions of this article was published on other publications. Copyrighted by Shahida Arabi.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that distorts your perceptions and makes you question your reality. It invalidates your experiences, emotions, and thoughts. When used by abusive and narcissistic individuals, gaslighting can be an especially powerful tool to get a victim to comply to their demands and remain in the abuse cycle.

The best way to resist gaslighting is usually to ground yourself in your own reality and cut ties with a gaslighter so they no longer influence the way you view yourself and the world. You certainly do not have to explain yourself or defend yourself to a manipulator or continue communicating with them, as it can lead to further invalidation and emotional abuse when you do.

However, for those who feel the need to empower themselves and self-validate before immediately disengaging from the narcissist and ending crazymaking conversations, there are also options to shut down gaslighting right before ending conversations with narcissists. These optional “closing lines” can be used in situations where you feel the need to stand up for yourself before you disengage completely and feel safe enough to do so. You do not want to use these phrases to continue the conversation or continue engaging with the narcissist but use them only as closing statements before cutting ties. You can also use them internally to affirm in your own mind the reality of the situation even if you do not use them in conversations with narcissists.

A Safety Disclaimer

The responses to gaslighting below can help to empower yourself while ending conversations with gaslighters and narcissists if you desire to do so. Do not use these responses to gaslighting with narcissists in person especially with those who are physically abusive in any way or may escalate. It’s important that after using these phrases, you immediately cut contact – whether by blocking this person, hanging up the phone call, or making an excuse to leave the in-person encounter, if there is any.

Avoid using these responses in-person unless you need to and have a safe witness and rely on these more for text, phone, and e-mail conversations that can be more easily documented.

Keep in mind that these responses to gaslighting are not intended to change the narcissist or the narcissist’s behavior. They are meant to validate your experience and help you defend yourself. Whether told to the narcissist directly or affirmed only in your own mind, they are only meant to center yourself in the manipulation that is occurring and hold onto your truth before you exit the conversation. Always keep your safety and specific circumstances in mind and consult with a therapist or law enforcement official if you fear you may be stalked or harassed by a narcissist.

Gaslighting Phrase #1: You’re too sensitive.

Affirm or respond any of the following:

• I am not oversensitive, you have a pattern of being insensitive and are defensive to being held accountable.

• What I feel is a valid reaction to your outrageous behavior. I don’t have to defend or explain how I feel any further to you.

• I am allowed to feel and express my emotions, and I am not going to argue about how I feel. Since you can’t accept my feelings, this conversation is over.

Gaslighting Phrase #2: You’re crazy.

Affirm or respond any of the following:

• I am not crazy, I am discerning and you’re finding it difficult to manipulate me. There’s a difference.

• Identifying a problem or bringing up a concern doesn’t make me unstable. Raging or calling me names when I do bring up a problem is unacceptable.

• Not interested in your gaslighting or emotional invalidation.

• I am not sure how you came to that conclusion, and I don’t have the time or energy to hear how you did.

• Since you’re not willing to listen to those concerns without pathologizing me, we don’t need to discuss this further.

• I don’t have to defend or explain myself to you. Since you can’t speak respectfully, we won’t be speaking at all.

Gaslighting Phrase #3: No one else has ever had this problem with me.

Affirm or respond…

Read more

Image by Allison Saeng

The following excerpts are from Alchemy: Rewire Your Brain for Success, Attract Love, Turn Adversity into Triumph

A neuroscience-informed guide to manifesting your dream life after toxic relationships. Available in all major bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble.

Why Scapegoats Are Targeted

How to Rewire Your Brain for Success After Toxic Relationships (Using Two of the Brain’s Four Major Brain Networks That Affect Goals and Manifestation)

On Being the “Bigger” Person

The above excerpts are from Alchemy: Rewire Your Brain for Success, Attract Love, Turn Adversity into Triumph

A neuroscience-informed guide to manifesting your dream life after toxic relationships. Available in all major bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble.

Photo by Timothy Dykes

Written by trauma and psychopathology expert, Shahida Arabi, MA

There is a misconception that smart, high-achieving women (and people in general) in our society can’t be prey to or are less susceptible to the manipulation of psychopaths or narcissists. Yet over the course of ten years of conducting research and writing on this topic, I’ve conversed with highly intelligent and insightful women from all walks of life who’ve fallen prey to the con artistry or schemes of emotionally manipulative people. This includes people from all walks of life: nurses, doctors, journalists, counselors, CEOs of companies, lawyers, wise mothers, skilled entrepreneurs, psychiatrists, authors, experts in their fields – you name it!

It doesn’t matter what industry they hail from or what university they attended or how articulate they are, how well-versed they are in manipulation tactics, or what life wisdom they have accumulated; no one is entirely immune to a psychopath’s cycle of manipulation, no matter how brilliant and insightful they may be. Even experts such as Dr. Robert Hare, creator of the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, admit to being duped from time to time by the psychopathic individuals he’s come face to face with – even while possessing all the knowledge and expertise possible to protect himself against dark triad personalities and their disarming charm.

That’s because falling for a narcissist or a psychopath has very little to do with a lack of intelligence, knowledge, strength, or character. In fact, the more people possess these desirable traits, the more they can be targeted for their resources. The cycle of manipulation has more to do with the strength of the predator’s false mask, the qualities that make us “useful” to a manipulator, as well as the target’s propensity toward empathy, their internal wounds, unmet needs, desires, and humanity in general.

Here are five reasons why smart women (and men) fall for psychopaths:

1. Your tendency to be introspective, project your own morality, empathy, and conscience onto people who have no remorse can make you vulnerable to manipulators by default.

Most people are socialized to give people the benefit of the doubt, to rationalize abusive behavior, attribute toxic behaviors as signs of childhood trauma (which may not even exist according to longitudinal studies on narcissism and primary psychopathy), and look for reasons to excuse the toxicity of an individual.

Intelligent individuals tend to be more introspective, so they may even try to share in the blame for the mistreatment they endured and “look within” for any and every possible explanation for the toxic behavior of others that minimizes callous and malicious intentions.

This introspectiveness can be used against them by psychopaths and narcissists. We sympathize with the assumed plight of even those who are callously cruel and are prone to pointing to what must be their “low self-esteem” or traumatic childhood that led to them behaving this way. While targets of psychopaths are busy excusing their behavior, they’re busy getting away with their grandiosity and numerous crimes.

Simply being human makes you vulnerable to these types because you have a conscience and a natural inability to recognize when you’re dealing with the conscienceless without more information. You can’t always “fathom” that someone might lack empathy or remorse because that’s simply not how you are wired, so you assume everyone else feels similarly. It takes a lot of deprogramming to even begin to recognize that a manipulator may not have tour best interests at heart – and that they do not care about who they hurt in the process of getting what they want.

2. Predatory manipulators naturally gravitate to those who have the qualities and resources they need. Many survivors are targeted because of their intelligence, resources, status, connections, beauty, and success, not in spite of it.

Think about it: a wealthy or resourceful, successful, articulate, empathic and beautiful woman is a “shiny object” to a narcissist or psychopath who wants some eye candy on his arm or an extra source of income. The most sadistic of these manipulators may rejoice in taking down a particularly strong target and making her feel weak and attempting to “humble” her. Think of public figures such as Britney Spears (without her we wouldn’t even know who Kevin Federline is!), Shakira, Cardi B, Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock — all of whom have been betrayed and violated by charismatic partners with lesser status who sought to manipulate and demean them. The more you have, the more likely you’ll be a target, because manipulators want to tap into your internal and external resources for their own use.

Some narcissistic men will specifically target successful and desirable women to “trap” or “humble” them early on in an attempt to break them down through mistreatment, betrayal, infidelity, put downs, or sabotage. Whether it’s marriage, pregnancy, a shared business, or some other form of deep investment, they were always seeking power and control over their “dream woman” — an unattainable woman they idealized and love bombed just so they could attempt to “humble” her and continue to have access to her long-term, even after they took off their false mask and revealed their true selves. Once she is invested in him, they will lash out in envy by doing the following…

Self-Care Haven and Narcissism is written by a published researcher and expert specializing in narcissism and psychopathy. To unlock the rest of this post and gain exclusive access to all paid subscriber posts, healing audios, and our 300-page modern dating guide for women, consider becoming a paid subscriber.

Read more

Have you ever wondered if you were the toxic person? Did your narcissistic partner gaslight you into believing that despite subjecting you to chronic mistreatment, you were the one to blame? Here’s how you know you were not the problem in the relationship.

Read more

If you happen to be in New York, be sure to visit your local B & N to see if there are remaining signed copies on the bookshelves!

Summer Giveaway + Alchemy Goodreads Giveaway

Thank you also to all those who entered our summer giveaway for Alchemy and Breaking Trauma Bonds. The summer giveaway is now closed and winners have been sent their free ebook, but you do have an additional chance to win a free Kindle edition of the book through the Goodreads giveaway of Alchemy!

Click Here to Enter the Goodreads Giveaway for a chance to win a free Kindle edition of Alchemy.

I am now honored and thrilled to announce the Goodreads giveaway for Alchemy which just began today. Hundreds have already entered on the first day and I encourage any reader who is interested to enter as soon as they can as the giveaway will end mid-August!