Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology researcher

This article was loosely adapted and revised from my 2018 article on pick-up artist tactics, which appeared originally on Psych Central.

Negging.

Negging consists of backhanded comments intended to lower your perceived value so that you are more likely to seek a dating partner's approval or validation to "prove" your worth. Unfortunately, some studies indicate that lowering a person’s self-esteem can potentially make them more compliant and possibly more receptive to your romantic advances. The more you are aware of this tactic, the better prepared you are to resist this form of manipulation.

The Dread Game.

In the dread game, narcissists and pick-up artists manufacture chaos and uncertainty about the status of the relationship through subtle or indirect threats of abandonment and mentioning other love prospects to breed insecurity in you. Manipulators can also orchestrate fake break-ups to make you more attached to them and feel grateful for maintaining the relationship rather than focusing on how to detach from it.

Premature Intimacy.

Narcissists love bomb and future-fake their dating partners, fast-forwarding emotional and physical intimacy and deceptively coercing their targets into investing in them by promising commitment, lavish dates or vacations, marriage, children, or a shared future together. Pick-up artists specifically also use physical escalation to trespass boundaries and desensitize women to their touch to get them more comfortable with the idea of having sex with them - also known as “kino escalation” in pick-up artist communities. They also prolong dates (known as the “7 hour date” tactic) on purpose to create a sense of false intimacy in a fast-paced manner so they are more open to the idea of having sex early on.

Love Triangles and Jealousy Provocation.

Researchers call this jealousy induction. The general public knows it as manufacturing love triangles or romantic triangulation. This is the act of bringing in other romantic options into the dynamic of the relationship, whether by introducing them to you, talking excessively about them, interacting with them on social media, or developing close “friendships” with them that they gaslight you about. Beware of shady behavior on social media or an opposite-sex “friend” that seems too close. If the manipulator in question is particularly nefarious, they may even stage “surprise” or accidental “meetings” or run-ins with the other affair partners they are dealing with to provoke this jealousy in you.

The Bait and Switch and Compliance Test.

To test your submissiveness, manipulators will make suggestions early on or do a bait and switch to see if you comply and obey. For example, a manipulator may tell you that he loves women who cook to see if you offer to do so, or change the setting of a date at the last minute to see if you’ll accommodate him. He may even cancel dates to see if you work hard to reschedule, or abruptly withhold affection and attention, subjecting you to days of the silent treatment in an effort to see if you have other options and are willing to let him go, or will reach out desperately to check on him. This is to test how “obedient” you would be in a future relationship.

The Empathy Test.

Manipulators in dating will test your sympathy by staging pity ploys and sharing sob stories when first meeting you to see if you rush to comfort them. Some will claim their “crazy ex” is obsessed with them or broke their heart to garner your sympathy. Some may even cancel dates, claiming they’re “sick” to see if you offer to come over to see them to help them heal. Others will claim losses or tragedies that aren’t true in the hopes of getting physical intimacy or a second date. Remember that emotionally healthy partners aren’t staging pity ploys on the first date or trying to get you to play on-call therapist. Send them an invoice for billable hours and be on your way, preferably far, far away from the pick-up artists and players attempting to lure you in.

Need help navigating the modern dating world as a woman? Tired of toxic situationships, hookup culture, and dating apps? See 300+ pages of more dating tips and life-saving insights on how to spot a manipulator and outplay the player at his own game in my modern dating guide for women. Paid subscribers get free access to the digital guide and can unlock it below.

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Praise for Alchemy

“Alchemy is a beautifully written book that expertly blends neuroscience and positive psychology with a dash of spirituality. Shahida has done it again, daring readers to tap into their inner alchemist and guiding them through science-backed practices and trauma-informed exercises that help them rewire their brains for healthy relationships and pursue meaningful, purpose-driven life goals. On-point, concise, and overflowing with pertinent wisdom, Alchemy empowers seekers of healing and transcendence to transform their suffering into triumph and create the life of their dreams.” 

— Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C and EMDR certified and trauma focused psychotherapist 

“Shahida Arabi has written a powerful book for survivors of trauma that teaches them how to transmute the harm they’ve experienced into a beautiful, abundant life. Grounded in neuroscience and informed by her years of expertise and research into the effects of trauma and overcoming toxic relationships, Shahida’s latest book is a revelation for all of us who want to manifest a life defined not by what happened to us, but by what becomes possible after survival.” 

— Elizabeth Cronise McLaughlin, Founder of The Ripple Effect Institute and author of Becoming Heroines: Unleashing Our Power for Revolution and Rebirth

“Alchemy is an empowering and masterful guidebook by bestselling author and researcher Shahida Arabi. Backed by neuroscience, it effectively helps readers create an abundant life of love and freedom after adversity, trauma, and the radical survival of toxic relationships with narcissistic people and manipulators.” —Dr. Gretchen Seitz, DAOM, LAc, Seitz Acupuncture and Integrative Health, A Place for Healing®️

Pre-order Alchemy here.

Early pre-order customers of Alchemy from 2024 have been sent instructions and a promo code to transition their pre-order seamlessly! Be sure to check your e-mails for an email sent to you this afternoon with a special gift and offer.

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Written by trauma and psychopathology researcher Shahida Arabi, MA

How do narcissists override your consent covertly, especially through coercion, deception, and manipulation? Here are some manipulation tactics to look out for. This can happen not just in dating and romantic relationships, but also in the workplace, professional networks, friendship circles, and familial relationships.

They get you to invest in them through the “sunk cost fallacy” and love bombing.

They love-bomb and future-fake with lavish false promises, a charming false mask, and grand gestures, getting you to imagine and invest your time and energy in a future that rarely comes to fruition. This appeals to the “sunk cost fallacy” — the more you invest in the relationship, the more you tend to cling to it despite all the betrayals and costs, because you want a return on your investment that is unlikely to arrive. This is the partner who tells you they can’t wait to be your spouse and raise children with you so they can run off with your savings; the employer who gets you to perform projects and unpaid labor for them under the false pretenses of a promotion while stealing your work and ideas; the friend who creates the fantasy of a long-awaited magical connection, only to start pursuing your boyfriend, or the family member who manufactures a close-knit bond just to get you to invest in their “booming” business and never repay any loans. They all have a hidden agenda and love-bombing you into believing the illusion of what they claim to desire from you, versus what they actually want helps to hide the discrepancies and causes you to rationalize the red flags.

They emotionally “groom” you.

They create an intense bond with you, gaining your trust to get your guard down to more effectively coerce and exploit you into investing in them and doing acts you normally wouldn’t. They develop an obsessive fixation on you, making you feel special and as if your relationship is “exclusive” in a way it isn’t with others. This will later turn into gaslighting others by claiming you are the “obsessed” one after they betray you. They surround your relationship with secrecy and mostly one-on-one interactions, so other people don’t see the dynamic they are building with you, especially if they are planning to sabotage, exploit, or steal from you or create connections with others behind your back to provoke jealousy. This makes it easier for them to turn others against you if you try to expose them, weaponizes opportunities for emotional blackmail, and creates a stronger trauma bond that makes it more difficult to detach.

They manufacture chaos on purpose and weaponize hurt-and-rescue tactics to harm you just to comfort you, so you become trauma-bonded to them.

A trauma bond is dependent on the brutal highs and lows, betrayals, a power imbalance, and the “seduction” a perpetrator uses to get you to trust them long enough to violate you. They may pour love and affection on you one minute, only to pull the rug from underneath you and devalue you, especially when you start questioning behaviors that don’t match with their words or align with their proclaimed character. By retaliating whenever you begin healthily observing their true motives, they train you not to use your discernment. That way, you face consequences whenever you speak out against them or try to uncover the truth about their actual intentions, ultimately discouraging you from holding them accountable before the abuse cycle escalates. You are also conditioned to seek their comfort and become reliant on them “fixing” or repairing the violating actions that keep you stuck in a loop of trying to resolve the initial betrayal; unfortunately, this keeps you tethered and trauma-bonded to their cycle of manipulation.

They make you dependent on them.

They may financially abuse you to cultivate financial dependency to more effectively control you and prevent you from leaving them as easily, so you put up with more of their violations than you normally would. They may withhold promised opportunities or rewards to get you to comply to their demands, causing you to sacrifice your standards, expectations, and preferences just to get the bare minimum. They can also degrade and belittle you, compare you to others to get you compete for them, flaunting giving opportunities they promised you to other people, or gaslighting you about the nature of your positive qualities and achievements, so you seek them out as a sole source of validation and approval.

Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is available in all major physical bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble and everywhere books are sold.

You can also purchase it directly from the publisher here or alternatively on Amazon here and all other retailers of your choice as well!

Editorial Reviews

“This book is a must-read for anyone wanting to understand why they became so unhealthily attached to a toxic person, and how to reclaim personal power and integrity.” —Dr. George Simon, PhD, author of the international best-seller, In Sheep’s Clothing, and Character Disturbance

“Shahida Arabi masterfully educates readers about the complex intersection of neuroscience and the intricacies of healing in the aftermath of psychological abuse. Written in a style that is digestible, informative, and packed with research, Shahida’s book will no doubt serve as an essential guide for survivors and helping professionals alike. Bravo, Shahida!” —Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker/psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, and author of Soul Vampires

“Shahida Arabi’s work has contributed mightily to our understanding of how to help victims identify, avoid, and escape from toxic narcissists and psychopaths. Her latest book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths, brilliantly outs the dynamics of such exploitive, destructive people. Her guidance on escaping from ensnaring narcissists is the most comprehensive I have ever read. Anyone who reads it will be aided greatly in avoiding or breaking trauma bonds.” —Pete Walker, LMFT, traumatologist, and best-selling author of Complex PTSD

“A transformational book for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it provides a killer combination of impeccable research, science, and case studies to reassure readers that what happened to them was no one-off or in any way their fault, and, additionally, that the distress they feel is not an ‘overreaction,’ but the measurable effect of trauma on their brains—which can, happily, be gradually reverted by doing the healing work Arabi outlines.” —Annie Kaszina, PhD, coach and author of Married to Mr. Nasty andThe Woman You Want to Be

“Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is a vital resource for survivors seeking to reclaim their mental and emotional well-being. Shahida’s insightful guidance empowers individuals to break free from the destructive cycles of manipulative relationships. With clarity and compassion, this book provides a road map for detaching from toxic bonds and rediscovering inner strength. A must-read for those ready to break free from the grips of trauma and reclaim their sense of self.” —Lisa A. Romano, life coach and award-winning author specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery

“Readers will find validation and clarity in Shahida Arabi’s science-based, research-backed analysis. They will also encounter a knowledgeable and compassionate guide who provides hope and the important steps to begin to support the self-awareness necessary to break through the disorientation and fragmentation that accompanies this kind of destructive relational dynamic, and ultimately return to wholeness.” —Gretchen Seitz, DAOM, LAc, owner of Seitz Acupuncture and Integrative Health

Written by trauma and psychopathology researcher Shahida Arabi, MA

While narcissistic or otherwise manipulative people can be of any gender identity (in previous posts, I’ve also written about female narcissists), it’s clear that women experience unique and disproportionate risks and burdens in modern dating culture, marriage, and relationships due to systemic inequalities and misogyny including but not limited to: the risks of sexual assault, coercion, and deception; the misrepresentation of their dating partner’s intentions in hookup culture; and the higher risk of violence worldwide.

Not all misogynists or manipulative people are full-fledged narcissists, but narcissistic traits tend to be associated with hostility and antagonism in men toward heterosexual women specifically, according to studies. Narcissism as well as psychopathy can be potential risk factors for domestic violence perpetration, bullying, and aggression. Many women have encountered male narcissists, especially in modern dating culture, or at the very least, dating partners with manipulative and misogynistic traits.

Women are also socially conditioned to undertake the majority of domestic and emotional labor for little compensation, sacrifice their goals and well-being for relationships regardless of the quality of the relationship, and prioritize their relationship and dating partners over their self-care. In short? They are taught to center their male dating partners, not themselves — and this can place them in danger, wasting significant time and energy pouring into partners who may deceive them, assault them, or even worse — take their lives altogether.

Unfortunately, because many women are taught to center their male dating partners (and relationship status in general) over their authentic needs and desires, they may be prone to minimizing the red flags.

So what can we do to help deprogram and decondition women from habits that lead to self-betrayal in this modern dating culture ripe with deception and manipulation? Here’s a list of how to start.

Develop a strategic cost-benefits analysis toward dating, rather than buying into romantic fantasies with low-effort men who dangle the carrot of commitment to manipulate you into investing in them. This includes not taking all men’s words at face value and never assuming all of them are actually looking for a relationship. Hold onto the knowledge that too many men in the modern dating world are looking for pleasure, an ego stroke, or a trophy rather than a genuine partnership. You must evaluate your dating partners with skeptical and cautious optimism, not rose-colored minimization or rationalization and romanticization of the red flags.

Exercise your right not to perform labor and invest primarily in yourself. If you are in any kind of relationship, you are not responsible for being an on-call therapist or secretary, especially since, as a woman, you face a higher risk of violence and deception and often are asked to carry out more emotional and domestic labor (sometimes even financial labor). Your investment should focus on you, not dating partners. You don’t owe it to any dating partner to cook or clean for them, make their daily lunches, or build up their career only for them to abandon you after you served as their “emotional support girlfriend” during their many years of law school, graduate school, medical school/residency, or supporting their business. Don’t give out big loans or purchase big gifts for a dating or relationship partner either.

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Want more tips on how to recenter yourself, decenter toxic dating partners, and identify the red flags in modern dating culture as a woman? Be sure to check out my 300-page modern dating digital guide for women here.

Paid subscribers also get free access to the digital dating guide.

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Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, trauma expert and researcher

We’ve all heard the common saying that “imitation” is the highest form of flattery. Yet this is a denial, invalidation and dismissal of the exploitative and abusive nature of what I call psychological identity theft — an exploitative and manipulative method to extract and replicate the traits, characteristics, words, ideas, dreams, goals, life stories, fashion, interests, hobbies, lifestyle, and appearance of another individual to gain resources, popularity, clout, recognition, opportunities, ego boosts or the thrill of conning others for profit and pleasure.

Narcissists and psychopaths engage in psychological identity theft in numerous ways. At first, in the context of relationships or friendships during the love bombing stage, they may mirror your hobbies, interests, and personality to morph into your “soulmate.” However, they begin to attack and devalue the very traits they envy and covet in you.

They then begin to adopt the same traits, mannerisms, gestures, words, ideas, style, and achievements that make you unique in an effort to erode your sense of self and take credit for your organic gifts, positive qualities, and accomplishments. They try to “become” who you are even though they cannot truly embody your authentic self — they become distorted “copies,” echoing and parroting you from afar.

As a researcher, thousands of survivors of narcissistic and psychopathic partners, friends, family members, and coworkers have expressed to me that they feel abused and violated by this type of malignant mimicry. They have disclosed to me that they feel deeply violated by the psychological identity theft they’ve experienced by narcissistic and psychopathic individuals.  

As survivors tell me, it can feel like getting “devoured” or even erased by the manipulative individual – a person who seems to follow your every move, mimicking and mirroring whatever they see to make themselves appear more interesting and palatable to other people around them while “wearing” your personality.

In these cases, such emotional abuse can also escalate into more dangerous forms of alienation, stalking, harassment, smear campaigns, intellectual property theft, and in extreme cases, assault and murder.

What Does Psychological Identity Theft Look Like?

Below, you will find examples of what this identity theft can look like across various contexts. These examples highlight common scenarios based on thousands of survivor accounts, but psychological identity theft can cover a wider variety of transgressions not included on this list. 

Melissa began noticing that one of her co-workers, Brenda, would constantly bring up ideas she had disclosed to her during one-on-one conversations at staff meetings, taking credit for these ideas in front of others. Brenda had also adopted the way Melissa spoke, going so far as to frequently use the same gestures, tone, and word-for-word phrases as her. She began dressing like Melissa and even began expressing interest in topics she had never had any prior interest nor expertise in that she knew Melissa was genuinely passionate about.  Melissa was thoroughly creeped out by this behavior, especially when Brenda plagiarized a copy of her proposal before another staff meeting and tried to pass it off as her own.

Linda felt disturbed by the attention-seeking antics of her next-door neighbor, Laura. Laura had seemed kind and pleasant in the beginning but was now infiltrating her life in invasive ways she did not feel comfortable with. She would regularly invite herself over to Linda’s house even when she wasn’t invited to play with Linda’s kids and even tried to flirt with Linda’s husband, going out of her way to perform favors for him that he never asked for. It was almost like she was trying to be a mother to Linda’s kids and her husband’s “new” wife. Linda noticed that Laura started wearing the same jewelry as her and even dyed her hair the same color as Linda’s platinum blonde hair.

At first, Linda thought these “interesting” new changes was just a coincidence. However, as time went by, she began to realize that Laura was not just stealing her sense of style, she was beginning to talk like Linda and even take on her personality traits, hobbies, and interests. She had been telling their other neighbors Linda’s stories of vacations and travels that she herself never went on, pretending these stories were her own. She even began imitating her career. Linda was a therapist and professor and suddenly Laura was acting like she was a mental health expert, even though she did not have a college degree let alone a career like Linda’s. She wanted to be Linda and take over her life.

Jennifer was disturbed to find out that her ex, Steven, had been going around repeating a traumatic life story from her childhood and using it as his own to garner sympathy from potential dating partners and friends.

When she spoke to his friends and family, they told her that not only had he been repeating this life story, he seemed to have taken on facets of Jennifer’s identity.

For example, Steven was suddenly pretending to be passionate about animal rights activism and jiu-jitsu, both passions Jennifer had that she had enthusiastically told Steven about during their relationship. Yet Steven never seemed all that interested in these passions until he could pass them off as his own and pretend to be more fascinating, athletic, and compassionate to the people he wanted to impress. He had even begun regurgitating the same jokes Jennifer had told him. Jennifer had also began going to school to become a veterinarian, a dream she had also disclosed to Steven about many times and Steven was now also pretending he was applying to veterinary school, telling his family about his newfound passion about becoming a vet.

Why Imitation Isn’t Flattery

This platitude of “imitation is flattery” is akin to telling the victim of a robbery, “You should be flattered they stole some of your hard-earned savings from you! They wanted what you have and now can pretend it is their own while benefiting from it! Now they’re off telling everyone that they worked hard for money they stole. Isn’t that a compliment?”

Let’s be clear: It is not flattering to have someone take on your personality, steal your words, labor, work, life stories, goals, dreams or sense of style to the extent narcissistic and psychopathic individuals do, especially when they are not giving you due credit or profiting off something they did not create.

Through psychological identity theft and erosion, manipulators and pathological con artists can try to siphon the same attention from people they would not otherwise get by “becoming” you.

In spiritual communities, they refer to this as attempted “destiny swapping,” but we can be more optimistic and say that your destiny can never be stolen. However, your sense of joy and fulfillment, as well as your mental health, can be temporarily disrupted when encountering such manipulative individuals.

They try to mimic talents and skills they do not possess, embody the energy that makes you unique and special, pursue the hobbies and interests that they have no genuine interest in and reap the benefits of a life they did not live and the labor or creativity they did not undertake. This is what makes identity theft such a disorienting and violating experience for so many.

How to Heal from Psychological Identity Theft

Survivors of this insidious manipulation tactic often have to take time and space to recover from this type of psychological violence and reclaim their identity and mental health after such an experience. They may also pursue legal avenues of justice to combat stalking, harassment, or intellectual property theft arising in these cases to gain compensation for what they have been subjected to. Building a strong support network is also essential.

If you’ve been the victim of psychological identity theft and erosion, it’s important to seek support from a trained professional who is well-versed in narcissistic manipulation tactics and empathic to your needs. You may need more specialized trauma therapies such as EMDR, DBT, or somatic therapies to process the traumatic intrusive memories that may have caused you to feel fragmented in your own identity after this experience and to reclaim your power in both your body and mind.

You must also reconnect to what makes you unique and special, and take the steps to reclaim ownership over what is rightfully yours. You are the one who deserves to reap the benefits of your life, skills, and personality – not a distorted copy.

Some enablers in society may gaslight you about this phenomenon, but it is important to resist this gaslighting.

Psychological identity theft isn’t normal nor should it be encouraged. It is a blatant violation of privacy and of one’s basic rights.

We should not be teaching people to chronically imitate others or behave like it is a compliment. Adopting the same hobbies, passions and interests in an attempt to seem fascinating to other people when you are not authentically interested in these pursuits is an insult to the person who is genuinely interested in them and has spent years of labor building expert knowledge and insight in these areas. Drawing general inspiration and diligently giving due credit to sources is one thing, plagiarizing and closely paraphrasing one’s unique expressions is another. Passing off the life stories of others as your own is downright exploitative and violating. Sharing mutual dreams organically is different from suddenly pursuing a dream you never had just to get “bragging” rights and one-up someone you’re envious of. You cannot covet what others have when you have not done the work or do not possess the natural qualities to be who they are.

Photo by Kate Kozyrka

Anyone of any gender can be a narcissist and female narcissists have their own repertoire of disturbing and harmful behav…

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Have you experienced these red flags in narcissistic women?

•Malicious envy and attempted sabotage of women they are jealous of. This can occur in the workplace, in female friendships, or within the family unit. The more talented, gifted, attractive, and popular the target is, the more a female narcissist will attempt to underhandedly sabotage them.

• Victim-shaming and blaming of women who expose predators and combat predatory behavior. Being an "ally" to perpetrators and enabling or directing them to harm women they're envious of. Female narcissists often support and enable serial abusers even when there is a history of clear violence or predatory actions.

•Deliberate manipulative mirroring and copying of other women. Stealing and copying the personalities, mannerisms, words, life stories, ideas, gestures, style, unique attributes of other women. They do this to try to gain clout, resources, or popularity that comes naturally to the victims they target. This is a form of psychological identity theft intended to capitalize on the natural positive qualities, insight, and talents of others due to a lack of these qualities and talents in the female narcissist.

• Relational aggression meant to exclude, persecute, scapegoat women they are jealous of (or targets that are threatening in general). This can include recruiting others to bully you by proxy or pitting people against each other. For example, a female narcissist jealous of attractive women will recruit other insecure, envious women like herself to attack you or spread gossip or mischaracterizations that aren’t true and are projections of their own qualities.

• Partner poaching, a serial pattern of flirting with and pursuing people already in relationships, including the partners of their friends, can happen when being in a relationship themselves. Studies show this is associated moreso with psychopathic traits. However, that doesn’t mean narcissistic women who have both narcissistic and psychopathic traits are exempt from this behavior.

•Sadistic pleasure exhibited when trying to provoke people. Covert put-downs dished out after a period of love bombing. Intrusive interrogations when first meeting you to collect, gather, weaponize personal information.

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It’s often been said that you should be wary of your date being rude to the waiter, but what about a date who flirts constantly with the waitress?

Narcissists enjoy creating love triangles on purpose and deliberately provoking jealousy in their partners—thousands of partners of narcissistic and psychopathic individuals have shared their experiences dissecting this phenomenon of narcissists creating perverse love triangles while exhibiting duping delight and interest in assessing their partner’s reactions to these attempts.

There is an insatiable sense of attention-seeking that a narcissistic person exhibits as he or she tries to gain “supply” (e.g. attention, praise, admiration, sex, status, etc.) from anyone and everyone they meet.

This method is often used to create love triangles among the people that the narcissistic abuser depends on for his or her daily “fix” of attention. It is one of the most insidious, harmful tools narcissists use to manipulate their former partners, their current partners, their “groupies,” as well as their new targets.

Narcissists enjoy using jealousy provocation as a mind game that gives them control over multiple people simultaneously, pitting them against each other in an endless competition.  It confirms to them their own grandiosity – after all, aren’t they superior if they have all these people competing for their approval and validation? They certainly think so.

Informally, this behavior of constantly bringing another person or people into the dynamic of the relationship has been referred to as romantic triangulation. In the research literature, it is known as jealousy induction.

What Does Jealousy Provocation or Induction Look Like?

Jealousy induction or provocation can take many forms. Narcissistic and psychopathic partners may engage in explicit or implicit comparisons designed to get their partners to compete for their attention or work harder for their approval (e.g. “My ex was never insecure like you.”) They may mention past or current love interests (“Did I tell you about that new coworker I went to lunch with? He’s so fun!)” or hint at their own deception or affairs, presenting “rivals” in hopes that their partner demonstrates insecurity or evidence of heightened interest in the narcissist as a result (“I am going out with my “friend” Nancy tonight. Don’t wait up!”). They may even take their partners to places where they know they will run into their affair partners just for the sadistic pleasure of witnessing them interacting — for example, taking their current wife to their mistress’s place of work is a common tale I hear from survivors.

Technology has also made it possible for jealousy induction to occur rampantly in the digital landscape, as narcissists and psychopaths can now provoke jealousy in their partners on social media through “likes” and “follows” designed to destabilize and gaslight their partners into feeling simultaneously insecure and “crazy.”

There is also now a wealth of research that supports and documents this behavior in narcissistic individuals and points to the surprising motives behind what is called “jealousy induction” in the research literature. In my 2022 study published in the journal of Personality and Individual Differences, I found significant positive correlations between both narcissistic (including both vulnerable and grandiose narcissism) and psychopathic partner traits and the use of manipulation tactics such as jealousy induction, particularly for grandiose narcissism and psychopathy.

Other research demonstrates why narcissists and psychopaths engage in this type of behavior. The findings of these studies indicate that overall, narcissistic and psychopathic partners can provoke jealousy as a strategic strategy to gain power and control over their partners, but how and why they do so is nuanced.

What Are Some Examples of Jealousy Induction?

They flaunt giving something they know you desired to someone else.

One of the ways toxic people try to provoke jealousy in their partners is to take an inventory of your expressed desires. They may even purposely go out of their way to give someone they know has harmed you something you asked for. This is a deplorable tactic used to destabilize and punish you for “daring” to ask for more when you’ve already gone out of your way to provide for them and please them. These desires don’t have to be particularly demanding; sometimes they are the bare minimum, considering what you’ve given them. Perhaps you’ve told them you want a commitment, or more thoughtful gifts, or just some extra attention and affection – the same things you’ve probably already given them in spades. In the love bombing phase, these individuals may give you what you desire to keep you invested in the relationship, but in the devaluation phase of the relationship, narcissistic and psychopathic individuals will go out of their way to flaunt giving those very things you asked for to other people and ensure that you know this.

Jealousy provocation also has the added “reward” of allowing narcissists access to resources from each and every victim – whether that resource be wealth, status, or simply ego boosts. It also serves as a way to punish victims for seeking to be independent agents and to keep them reliant on the narcissist’s approval.

You may be wondering: why would anyone fall into this trap? It’s because jealousy induction can happen in covert, underhanded ways meant to subtly make victims question themselves. The narcissist’s false mask helps to reinforce his or her charming presence, which lures both potential victims as well previous partners into a horrific abuse cycle filled with love-bombing idealization, cruel and callous devaluation and a comfort-punishment dynamic that creates trauma bonding between victim and predator.

They constantly mention ex-partners or potential love prospects in excessive ways.

A major way you can tell if you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic person is how often they try to bring other people into the dynamic of your relationship. This is the date that brings up their exes and flirts with the waitress or pursues inappropriately close friendships with the opposite sex that they flaunt to try to make you jealous. They may constantly bring up other people to try to make you feel insecure, whether it be a shady friend, a co-worker, or a past lover.

They weaponize the traits of another person to try to point out perceived flaws or shortcomings in you, creating false equivalencies or fabricated flaws.

Narcissists and psychopaths love to brag about other people they’ve dated or people they associate with as a way to inflate their own self-image. They use these people as objects, and love to pit people against one another. One of the ways they can do this is by excessively talking about someone else’s achievements or qualities as a way to try to diminish you. For example, they may start talking about how their co-worker Amanda has long legs, or how their friend Jared gives the best hugs. They may talk about how their ex-partner became a doctor and flaunt this to their spouse, who they isolated from working. These comments and false equivalencies tend to be frequent and used to test your reactions. They may also start to neglect you while hyperfocusing on someone else, even after they’ve love bombed you ardently into the relationship. 

They attempt to “replace” you by treating someone else the way they treated you during the idealization phase, but ultimately fail.

Narcissists and psychopaths enjoy the idea that people are disposable and can be easily replaced. However, this is where they overestimate themselves and make a grave error that exposes them.

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Welcome to all new subscribers of Psychology of Narcissism, a trauma-informed publication written by a published researcher in narcissism and psychopathy! I am so happy you’re here. If you are a paid subscriber, please note you also now have access to exclusive posts, healing videos, and guided meditations to help you recover from the effects of gaslighting, stonewalling, and pathological envy.

Below you will see a link to access some of these video and audio healing resources if you are a paid subscriber.

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“Reactive abuse” is a term used to describe a victim’s reactions to prolonged manipulation, chronic abuse, and persistently antagonizing behavior from a primary aggressor. The primary aggressor or abuser is the original instigator and deliberately provokes the victim into reacting.

The abuser may then rewrite the story of what happened, distorting or omitting important details of the events leading up to the victim’s reactions, depicting the victim as the “true” abuser and gaslighting society about the extent of their own abusive actions.

They may even go so far as to stage a scene where they provoke the victim, then proceed to document or videotape the victim’s reactions to paint the victim of their chronic aggression as the true abuser and gaslight society about their own abusive actions.

While victims can also videotape their abusers, they will usually appear distressed when doing so. When abusers videotape their victims, they tend to appear unusually calm, exhibiting “duper’s delight” in “catching” the victim lose control. This is especially rampant among abusers with psychopathic and narcissistic traits, as they take sadistic pleasure in repeatedly provoking their targets, especially targets they envy or feel threatened by.

Who is the True Victim and Abuser?

What you have to remember is that usually the true victim is in fight or flight mode. Their amygdala is on high alert, their prefrontal cortex (the “rational” reasoning and decision-making part of the brain) is dampened, and they are trying to defend themselves. Their first thought is not to document the event but to survive (although some victims certainly will try to document it if they know it is legally necessary).

The abuser’s motives, however, are different. They want to humiliate and demean the victim. They want to convince others that the victim is unhinged, “crazy,” “losing it.” What better way to convince society that the victim is not credible than catching them the moment they finally react and lash out?

The best way to spot incidents of reactive abuse and an abuser gaslighting society? Look at the general pattern of the person who is calling the victim “crazy” closely. Are there other so-called “crazy” exes that claim that this person also abused them? Have there been other incidents where it was clear the perpetrator psychologically or physically harmed the victim who is now lashing out or reacting? Did the victim report the perpetrator being aggressive first whether to law enforcement or to friends and family members? Does the person display callous-unemotional traits whereas the victim they appear to be taunting seems overwhelmed, emotional, or numb and desensitized in a way that is indicative of learned helplessness? If so, those are your first red flags there is something amiss.

Unfortunately, victims who are trauma bonded to their abuser may still protect and defend the abuser or rationalize abusive incidents as a coping mechanism birthed out of their survival instincts. Keep in mind that the constant crazymaking, gaslighting, the trauma bond, and threat of retaliation means the victim is more hesitant in documenting or sharing the abuse occurring whereas the true abuser may seem quite enthusiastic about sharing how “unhinged” their victim is.

The true victim may also internalize the toxicity of the relationship as self-blame, overreach in taking accountability for their reactions to the abuse, not mentioning the abuser’s actions at all or justifying them. The cycle of abuse and the effects of trauma on the brain are rigged to silence the victim and unfortunately can end up supporting the abuser’s version of events but anyone well-versed in abuse dynamics will be able to spot that there is something amiss especially if other exes of the same perpetrator speak out. When the perpetrator has a pattern of abuse against other victims or the same victim, the truth tends to “peek out” no matter how subtly to those who are interested in uncovering it.

Are “Reactive” Actions Justified?

In many cases, what we call “reactive abuse” can also be considered justifiable self-defense. For example, if a victim pushes an abuser after many incidents of the abuser trying to hit them, that is self-defense. In others, they can be considered emotional responses that appear disproportionate until the entire pattern of provoking and abusive behavior is finally exposed. In another example, if a victim is being tormented by constant daily verbal and psychological abuse, they may finally lash out and taunt the abuser back in a verbally abusive outburst. If the true abuser catches this outburst on video, they can try to paint the victim as the abuser, omitting the hundreds of incidents where they demeaned the victim that preceded that event.

That’s not to say that all behaviors under the umbrella of “reactive” actions are justifiable. Some definitely aren’t (and some are even illegal).

In rarer, more extreme cases, reactions to abuse may border on dangerous and illegal. That is when the victim must seek out safety and resources to prevent harm to themselves, innocent parties, and others.

If innocent parties (for example, children) get caught in the crossfire of such an interaction and are not protected, the offending party whether the original perpetrator or the victim “reacting” must still be held accountable for their actions because it may cross over to child abuse and neglect. This includes subjecting your children to constant arguments without attempts at exiting or escalation and not taking the necessary steps to try to keep your children safe from the psychological or even bodily harm of witnessing or being subjected to daily emotional and physical abuse.

While the perpetrator remains the offender harming the victim, the victim is unfortunately the only one in the situation with enough empathy to care for innocent parties like children, friends, or family members caught in the crossfire. In those cases, the victim has to be careful for their reactions not to harm those who cannot defend themselves.

How to Combat A Gaslighter and Narcissist Provoking You

While it may seem impossible to keep your cool in situations of chronic provocation, it is often necessary to keep yourself safe. If you are being provoked — whether in person or through email, voicemails, social media, or smear campaigns, you can do the following.

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In my large-scale research study on the partners of narcissistic and psychopathic individuals published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, many of the participants reported experiencing the manipulation tactic known as love bombing.

Some participants experienced love bombing in the form of “future faking,” especially by fast-forwarding them into premature exclusivity, cohabitation, marriage, or even children early on in the relationship. This deep investment and manipulative deception and coercion usually occurred before victims had the chance to develop a better understanding of their partner’s character and make decisions based on their genuine best interest long-term.

Future faking and love bombing are done with the intent of achieving a specific agenda. Whether it be for sex, attention, a place to live, a loan, or just the thrill of momentary control, narcissists and psychopaths are experts at getting you to imagine a future with them that they fail to deliver just to get what they want in the present moment. They may get you to envision romantic dates, lavish vacations, gifts, a peaceful family life, marriage or children. This future faking and intense love bombing can happen within days, weeks or dragged out for months and years, and can happen in many different contexts, not just romantic relationships — but it always ends the same.

You begin investing in a dream only to have the rug pulled out from underneath you.

The reason love bombing and future faking works — both on unsuspecting victims and even on those who may already know about these tactics — is because it appeals to the human need to empathize with others and reciprocate what they give to us. In coercive relationships, it induces fear, obligation, and guilt.

When a manipulator gives their partner laser-focused attention, flattery, praise and affection, known as love bombing in the early stage of the relationship, it creates the illusion of investment that does not exist yet. In turn, the love bombed partner feels a sense of urgency to return that investment, almost to prove that they are just as much "in" the relationship as the love bomber.

As beautiful as such an inclination for reciprocity may be for healthier relationships, this unfortunately causes the victim being love bombed to put all their eggs in one basket and invest their resources in a manufactured connection and the false mask of a person who is faking their true compatibility with the victim.

Love bombing doesn't just affect the perception we have of the manipulator — it also guides our future actions to center them in our lives. This erodes informed consent.

Narcissists take away your consent in many contexts, whether romantic, sexual, platonic, in business, or friendships. They take away informed consent — by force, by coercion, by deception, future faking, manipulation, psychological abuse, and love bombing.

They misrepresent their true motives, knowing that if you did know the truth, you would choose differently.

By deliberately deceiving you, they erode your ability to consent with an accurate understanding of the ramifications of a "choice" they haven't given you in the first place.

So, what can people do to reclaim their power?

It’s important not just in dating scenarios but also in relationships that are platonic, familial, or professional that they withdraw or prevent premature investment altogether — whether that come in the form of resources, emotions, attention, energy, and assistance. If you suspect you are being love bombed, look with discernment at patterns and long-term behaviors, not just words of flattery or pity ploys. Develop a vigilance for tracking inconsistencies, discrepancies, and microaggressions that clue you into a person’s true motives rather than mistaking grand gestures or equating false charisma for character.

Do not let potential manipulators know your traumas, fears, or innermost desires in case they weaponize these against you in the future as a form of emotional blackmail or a pattern of antagonizing behavior. Do not tell them what you are looking for in case they decide to morph into the qualities you’ve listed or masquerade as your “soulmate.” Enforce boundaries after stating them plainly once rather than giving the benefit of the doubt to excuses or falling prey to rationalizations, justifications, or plausible deniability of guilt.

Don’t just talk about what you won’t stand for or overexplain yourself and your standards and boundaries to a toxic person — follow through with tangible consequences once a boundary is crossed. Exit unsafe situations early and often — and trust your intuition when a red flag arises. Protect yourself legally — whether that be with a divorce lawyer, a prenup, a contract, or documentation. Prioritize yourself and your safety over an envisioned shared future together — and remember what is at stake anytime you choose to invest in a future that may never come to fruition.

The only future worth investing in is the one that serves your best interest, the one where you are thriving with full awareness of the benefits and the consequences of the actions you take. From now on, invest in that future and invest in yourself rather than building someone else’s vision — your dreams, your desires, your goals, your happiness — and remember that you are the best investment you could ever make.

Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is available in all major physical bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble and everywhere books are sold.

You can also purchase it directly from the publisher here or alternatively on Amazon here or all other retailers of your choice as well!

Editorial Reviews

“This book is a must-read for anyone wanting to understand why they became so unhealthily attached to a toxic person, and how to reclaim personal power and integrity.” —George Simon, PhD, author of the international best-seller, In Sheep’s Clothing, and Character Disturbance

“Shahida Arabi masterfully educates readers about the complex intersection of neuroscience and the intricacies of healing in the aftermath of psychological abuse. Written in a style that is digestible, informative, and packed with research, Shahida’s book will no doubt serve as an essential guide for survivors and helping professionals alike. Bravo, Shahida!” —Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker/psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, and author of Soul Vampires

“Shahida Arabi’s work has contributed mightily to our understanding of how to help victims identify, avoid, and escape from toxic narcissists and psychopaths. Her latest book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths, brilliantly outs the dynamics of such exploitive, destructive people. Her guidance on escaping from ensnaring narcissists is the most comprehensive I have ever read. Anyone who reads it will be aided greatly in avoiding or breaking trauma bonds.” —Pete Walker, LMFT, traumatologist, and best-selling author of Complex PTSD

“A transformational book for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it provides a killer combination of impeccable research, science, and case studies to reassure readers that what happened to them was no one-off or in any way their fault, and, additionally, that the distress they feel is not an ‘overreaction,’ but the measurable effect of trauma on their brains—which can, happily, be gradually reverted by doing the healing work Arabi outlines.” —Annie Kaszina, PhD, coach and author of Married to Mr. Nasty and The Woman You Want to Be

“Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is a vital resource for survivors seeking to reclaim their mental and emotional well-being. Shahida’s insightful guidance empowers individuals to break free from the destructive cycles of manipulative relationships. With clarity and compassion, this book provides a road map for detaching from toxic bonds and rediscovering inner strength. A must-read for those ready to break free from the grips of trauma and reclaim their sense of self.” —Lisa A. Romano, life coach and award-winning author specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery

“Readers will find validation and clarity in Shahida Arabi’s science-based, research-backed analysis. They will also encounter a knowledgeable and compassionate guide who provides hope and the important steps to begin to support the self-awareness necessary to break through the disorientation and fragmentation that accompanies this kind of destructive relational dynamic, and ultimately return to wholeness.” —Gretchen Seitz, DAOM, LAc, owner of Seitz Acupuncture and Integrative Health

Akin to a Grammy or Oscar in the Audiobooks world, being a finalist in the Audies is a true honor especially among such popular titles! Many thanks to the judges who nominated my book Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths for an Audie Award in Business and Personal Development!

Did you know there are two subtypes of psychopathy? One that is more hot-headed and impulsive — more likely to be shaped by their environment and far more likely to violate laws and social norms in a way that causes them to be more easily caught and imprisoned? Another type that is successful, callous, fearless, and more likely to fly under the radar — a subtype that is moreso biologically predisposed to be callous and unemotional, far less susceptible to stress, more calculated and fearless, and less likely to have experienced childhood trauma — said to be born rather than “made”? Not all psychopaths are the same nor do they all have childhood trauma.

Learn more in the adapted excerpt below from the Audie Award nominated book Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths, my most research-informed and neuroscience-based resource for those recovering from toxic romantic relationships with pathological manipulators.

Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is available in all major physical bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble.

You can also purchase it directly from the publisher here (this is the best way to support authors!) or alternatively on Amazon here or all other retailers of your choice as well!

Editorial Reviews

“This book is a must-read for anyone wanting to understand why they became so unhealthily attached to a toxic person, and how to reclaim personal power and integrity.” —George Simon, PhD, author of the international best-seller, In Sheep’s Clothing, and Character Disturbance

“Shahida Arabi masterfully educates readers about the complex intersection of neuroscience and the intricacies of healing in the aftermath of psychological abuse. Written in a style that is digestible, informative, and packed with research, Shahida’s book will no doubt serve as an essential guide for survivors and helping professionals alike. Bravo, Shahida!” —Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker/psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, and author of Soul Vampires

“Shahida Arabi’s work has contributed mightily to our understanding of how to help victims identify, avoid, and escape from toxic narcissists and psychopaths. Her latest book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths, brilliantly outs the dynamics of such exploitive, destructive people. Her guidance on escaping from ensnaring narcissists is the most comprehensive I have ever read. Anyone who reads it will be aided greatly in avoiding or breaking trauma bonds.” —Pete Walker, LMFT, traumatologist, and best-selling author of Complex PTSD

“A transformational book for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it provides a killer combination of impeccable research, science, and case studies to reassure readers that what happened to them was no one-off or in any way their fault, and, additionally, that the distress they feel is not an ‘overreaction,’ but the measurable effect of trauma on their brains—which can, happily, be gradually reverted by doing the healing work Arabi outlines.” —Annie Kaszina, PhD, coach, founder of www.recoverfromemotionalabuse.com, and author of Married to Mr. Nasty and The Woman You Want to Be

“Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is a vital resource for survivors seeking to reclaim their mental and emotional well-being. Shahida’s insightful guidance empowers individuals to break free from the destructive cycles of manipulative relationships. With clarity and compassion, this book provides a road map for detaching from toxic bonds and rediscovering inner strength. A must-read for those ready to break free from the grips of trauma and reclaim their sense of self.” —Lisa A. Romano, life coach and award-winning author specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery

“Readers will find validation and clarity in Shahida Arabi’s science-based, research-backed analysis. They will also encounter a knowledgeable and compassionate guide who provides hope and the important steps to begin to support the self-awareness necessary to break through the disorientation and fragmentation that accompanies this kind of destructive relational dynamic, and ultimately return to wholeness.” —Gretchen Seitz, DAOM, LAc, owner of Seitz Acupuncture and Integrative Health

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA

The concept of “soulmates” has become quite popular over the years in new age and spiritual communities, evoking discussion from therapists, dating coaches, and spiritual leaders. It is a concept worth considering as it profoundly shapes the way we see ourselves and our relationships.

A critical review of these concepts helps us differentiate healthy relationships from toxic ones that include codependency, trauma bonding, and limerence (an unhealthy, often unrequited or unfulfilling infatuation).

Toxic love and limerence overlap in that the more “challenging” the potential partner seems to obtain, the more alluring that person may inevitably become to you.

Many people are not in love with their soulmates, but rather addicted to chaos and unpredictability.

Love activates reward centers of the brain, creating a euphoric dopamine high that is extremely difficult to detox from. In adversity-ridden relationships, dopamine tends to flow more readily in the brain when the rewards aren’t as predictable as in a toxic relationship.

This is why you may experience a deep withdrawal effect when the object of your affection is not around or when they’ve withdrawn from you. In limerence, often we aren’t obsessed with this person, but rather what they represent and mean to us.

The addiction to this other person is often heightened by the fantasy, not the reality, of who they are and the nature of the relationship. If you think you’re suffering from limerence or obsession, assess why you feel so drawn to this person and what they represent. Perhaps they represent a new beginning after a breakup or the fulfillment of deep unmet needs in childhood—a need to be deeply seen, understood, validated and chosen.

Often, manipulators prey on your unmet needs and desire for a partner, wearing a false mask to pretend to be your soulmate, morphing to your ideal mate to meet their agendas. So, what are the signs you’ve met your real match and not a narcissistic con artist—a person who is genuinely compatible with you, rather than a charlatan masquerading as “the one”?

3 Signs to Look For In A Soulmate

Remember: your true soulmate won’t be toxic. They will bring more peace, love, joy, and value to your life. A true soulmate will make you feel valued and chosen—consistently. Real love is not bondage, brutality, necessity, emotional unavailability, or scarcity in any form.

Real love is not enmeshment with someone unhealthy for you and the endless hope that they will change. Real love is not constant arguments, or over-explaining and overcommunicating to someone committed to misunderstanding you and using your vulnerabilities against you.

Real love won’t harm you and insist you tolerate unjustifiable harm in the name of love. Real love will bring you more peace—it won’t force you to survive a psychological battlefield.

SIGN #1: A Healthy Soulmate Will Cherish and Honor You

A healthy soulmate will cherish and honor you even if they challenge you. They will feel called to protect you from harm, not cause you harm. There’s a widespread myth that “soulmate” relationships are inherently tumultuous—that they have to be gnawingly painful to inspire true growth. In reality, soulmates are deeply attuned to one another and aligned with each other’s destinies.

They feel an irresistible magnetism toward each other, but it’s not because of addictive toxicity. Rather, it’s because of the enriching bond they both experience long-term. They feel ecstatically fueled and energized when they are together, and this is an ongoing and consistent connection, not a minefield of mind games.

Toxic Relationships Are Emotionally Turbulent

If you are with a toxic person, the relationship will be emotionally turbulent in a way that leaves you exhausted, not nourished. Many people confuse enduring this pain and mistreatment as a sign that they are fighting for a love worth fighting for rather than holding on too tightly to what will destroy them. You may experience a deep soulmate-like connection with a narcissistic partner, but the relationship rarely works out long-term no matter how hard you try.

In the beginning, you experience an instantaneous bond that feels larger than life and yet you’ll find yourself breaking up and making up constantly. You’ll have sizzling physical chemistry, yet the instability of the relationship will be chaotic and addictive. You’ll have intense, repetitive arguments that never seem to end.

Your self-esteem will be diminished. You find yourself depleted by the extreme highs and lows of the emotional rollercoaster of the relationship. This toxic partner manufactures arguments out of thin air, treats you with disrespect and contempt, neglects your needs, and makes you believe you’re asking for too much when you ask for what you deserve. They cling to doing the bare minimum when they could easily reciprocate your efforts if they wanted to.

SIGN #2: Deep Respect with Boundaries Long-Term

Around a healthy soulmate, you’ll feel assured of your own worthiness—not constantly questioning your worth. Their love will be spoken through their consistent actions and patterns long-term. They’ll consider you in major and minor decisions, be thoughtful about how you might feel, and go out of their way to try to spark joy in you.

Healthy partners want to benefit one another. They strive to find solutions, not create more problems. They honor each other’s boundaries while still considering each other’s needs and desires. When both partners have done their healing work, this will come naturally. They mirror each other’s personal growth, development, and infinite potential. They want to learn from each other and to make each other happy, and they also know how to be happy on their own without “consuming” or excessively controlling the other.

SIGN #3: A True Soulmate Supports Your Growth and Dreams

Your true soulmate or a supportive partner will cause you to grow in nourishing ways; your false soulmate will destroy you and cause you to self-destruct. While a true soulmate will feel like a safe haven, somewhere you can go for emotional shelter, a toxic partner will feel like an (albeit alluring) danger zone. With the latter, you’re perpetually walking on eggshells and biting your nails in anxiety, while with the former, you’re thrust into constructive self-examination and mutual growth.

While it’s common for a journey with a soulmate to be overwhelming as emotions are purged and traumas or insecurities are surfacing to be healed, a true soulmate will never purposely set out to hurt you…

READ MORE IN ALCHEMY: REWIRE YOUR BRAIN TO MANIFEST SUCCESS, ATTRACT LOVE, AND TURN ADVERSITY INTO TRIUMPH

I am beyond thrilled and honored to announce that my book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths (New Harbinger, 2025), is a finalist for the 2026 Audies Awards! This is the most prestigious award given for audiobooks akin to a Grammy or Pulitzer in the audiobook world, and I am honored for my book to be chosen as a finalist alongside such popular authors.

Thank you so much to the Audio Publishers Association and the judges for choosing my book as a finalist for this prestigious award. Thank you to the narrator as well as Tantor Audio who produced the book and New Harbinger for publishing it!

“For more than 31 years, the Audies® have recognized excellence in audiobooks, honoring the very best in performance, production, and storytelling. This finalist recognition is a testament to the incredible talent and collaboration that went into bringing this audiobook to life.”

Alchemy (New Harbinger, 2026) comes out in all major physical bookstores this summer including your local Barnes & Noble. 🤍

Pre-order on Amazon here to reserve your copy.

If you are an avid reader or a content creator in the spiritual / self-help community interested in potentially receiving a complimentary review copy, let me know.

Here are some signs you may be trauma bonded.

Click here to read the full article here on New Harbinger’s website.

In 2016, I wrote a viral article called “The Real Reason Why We Love Bad Boys, Toxic Partners, and Emotionally Unavailable Men,” one of the first to go in-depth into why our brains become so addicted to the chaotic highs and lows of toxic relationships.

It was also published in my 2017 book Power and made many women and even some men realize that they were actually addicted to chaos and unpredictability and not that they were in love with a shady partner. This addiction is not about the merits of the toxic person you’re entangled with but rather a trauma bond created out of a power imbalance, betrayal, and intermittent reinforcement.

The dopamine rush is strengthened by the unpredictable nature of such relationships and by the powerful biochemical cocktail that is created in unpredictable, toxic love.

Toxic people wreak havoc on our lives, our bodies and our brains. The reasons women are attracted to “dangerous bad boys,” toxic people and emotionally unavailable partners are not just emotional and psychological – they are downright biochemical. The truth of the matter is, our brains can be rewired to fixate on people who aren’t good for us.

Emotionally unavailable men, narcissists, psychopaths, and pickup artists alike all depend on these effects to get us hooked. We can become addicted to the highs and lows of dangerous romantic relationships in a way that makes a break-up from a toxic person similar to rehab from a destructive drug addiction.

When we first meet a toxic partner or an emotionally unavailable person, our bond with him or her becomes cemented through their excessive attention combined with their emotional withdrawal and withholding throughout the relationship. The knowledge of what a toxic partner does to our brain makes it more likely for us to cut back on our investment on those who we perceive may not be a good fit earlier on, detach from any attachments we may already have to toxic people and realize that the powerful bond that’s been created has arisen from our biochemical bonds, not our true standards. A break-up with a toxic person who has mistreated you throughout the relationship compounds this effect and makes it that much more difficult to recover from.

These are a few main neurochemicals and hormones involved which make for a powerful cocktail of attachment that have little to do with the merits of the person you’re dating and everything to do with their shady behavior. If you’re immersed in a cycle of toxic, dysfunctional relationships or dating encounters with emotionally unavailable, emotionally immature, avoidant, or toxic and narcissistic people, you may wonder why you find it so difficult to detach. Part of the reason is biochemical.

Toxic love can create dysfunctional, addictive attachments we develop with people who are unhealthy for us. If you suspect you’re in a dysfunctional rather than a partnership with a healthy partner, understanding why this toxic relationship can feel so addictive to our brains and “meant to be” can be helpful to breaking ties and protecting yourself.

The cycle of trauma bonding with a toxic person, a narcissist, or even a psychopath is biochemically addictive due to the brutal highs and lows and the unpredictable nature of the chaotic relationship. When pleasurable moments are few and far in between incidents of cruelty, this hot and cold behavior is known in behavioral psychology as intermittent reinforcement. The rare reward of kindness, affection, and validation is unpredictable—causing dopamine to flow more readily in the brain than predictably stable relationships. This toxic love creates an addiction to the dopamine rush that has little to do with the merits of the person or the quality of the relationship.

Research reveals that the brains of people reeling from tumultuous romantic relationships and heartbreak tend to show heightened activity in the same reward and craving related regions of the brain as in the brains of those addicted to cocaine and other drugs. This “withdrawal” effect is potent in romantic adversity and is part of the reason so many struggle to leave and heal from toxic relationships.

You will realize that it is not the merit of the person keeping you tethered to this dating partner, but rather the physiological and biochemical nature of toxic love.

The next time you feel unwittingly tethered to a toxic or emotionally unavailable person, understand that you are experiencing what is akin to addiction, not love.

A dating tip from my 2023 article and 2017 book “Power” on how to prevent a narcissist from manipulating you.

Resist fast-forwarding and love-bombing. Don’t take future faking at face value. Avoid dating partners who seem to contact you 24/7 and are excessively persistent. This can be a red flag of love bombing and trying to fast-forward the relationship with a hidden agenda. Resist attempts by dating partners who promise you an ideal relationship, marriage, children, or swear they will take care of you financially prematurely before they even get to know you.

You can closely look at the actions of your dating partners rather than their words and see if they are actually going to follow through or are just dangling the carrot so you invest in them. In many ways, love and dating is the same as doing business. If someone promises something to you, in business interactions you make sure to get it in writing and document it. If they breach the contract, they can face legal consequences and you are owed compensation.

In dating and relationships, you usually can’t be compensated for unpaid labor and exploitation which means you need to be even more vigilant of the red flags to avoid wasting your time, energy, and efforts.

One of the most powerful ways to combat this manipulation tactic is to slow down their love bombing from the very beginning.

The narcissist will fast-forward you with future-faking and excessive contact, attention, and affection early on. The key is to slow down their love bombing without them realizing it. Make sure you allude to having a fulfilling life packed with activities so they don’t grow suspicious ahead of time.

That way, they know they’ll have to earn your time and energy with genuine gestures and actions – and most narcissists will opt out early in those cases because they want a victim who falls easily for their mind games. Even the ones who stick around because they like a challenge will eventually become worn out from chasing you.

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA

If you’ve ever had a narcissistic person as a romantic partner, you’ve likely been gaslit and manipulated. Narcissistic traits in a romantic partner are associated with unhealthy behaviors, bullying and aggression according to a meta-analysis of 437 studies. Studies also indicate that being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner may be associated with the development of mental health symptoms and PTSD. Based on their interpersonally manipulative behavior, here are the six phrases you may hear from a narcissistic romantic partner and what they really mean.

“We need to go on a break.”

When a narcissistic individual proposes that you should go on a “break” in your relationship, this is usually code for, “I want time and space to pursue other romantic prospects I can use as a rebound and backup if this primary relationship doesn’t work out.” In addition, asking for a “break” rather than simply communicating with your partner or taking the steps to problem-solve through conflict is meant to destabilize a narcissist’s romantic partners and make them walk anxiously on eggshells, working harder to please them to avoid abandonment. This is part of what pick-up artists call “the dread game,” instilling in their targets the fear of being abandoned so they don’t feel empowered enough to leave the relationship and feel stuck in trauma bonds with the narcissist. Rather than complying to their requests for a break, it is best to detach from the relationship altogether at this stage and break up with the narcissistic person for good.

“You’re so jealous, possessive, and controlling.”

While there are certainly cases where a partner can be legitimately too jealous, possessive, and controlling, a relationship with a narcissistic partner is usually not one of them. That’s because according to studies, both narcissistic and psychopathic people tend to deliberately provoke jealousy in their partners for the purposes of gaining power and control, exacting revenge, testing the relationship, and compensating for insecurity. That is why they talk at length about their exes, flirt with other people in front of you to gauge your reactions, and create love triangles between you and their new targets to ensure they maintain power over your emotions.

“You are so clingy and needy.”

When a person has basic emotional needs in a relationship, a narcissist is the first one to trample over them and invalidate them as being too “sensitive,” “clingy,” and “needy,” even if the narcissistic person was the one love-bombing their partners first with constant attention and affection before withdrawing. By labeling their partners “clingy,” they can release themselves from accountability and punish them for expecting more from the narcissistic individual.

“Why is there always a problem and drama with you?”

One of the gaslighting tactics narcissists and otherwise toxic people use to belittle your emotions is to minimize and mischaracterize any kind of healthy conflict, attempts at accountability, or communication, as merely “drama.” That way, whenever you try to hold them responsible for any actions they engaged in that may have harmed you, you are labeled as the problem and they can forgo having to find any constructive solutions or apply healthy feedback to their behavior. In reality, narcissistic and psychopathic people tend to manufacture problems and chaos into the lives of their romantic partners for a sadistic thrill and to gain leverage over them, deliberately provoking reactions in their loved ones to do so.

“You’re too much.”

Research reveals that a narcissistic partner lacks affective empathy for the emotions of their romantic partners. Cognitively, they can place themselves in their partner’s shoes, but they lack the emotional remorse people might otherwise experience when they hurt someone they love. As a result, when narcissists engage in destructive actions against their romantic partners, they may claim the emotions of their partners are too overwhelming and “too much” for them to handle. This leads to them inevitably stonewalling and shutting down any constructive discussions about their mistreatment and presenting their partners with the silent treatment when they are called out.

“You need to be more grateful and humble.”

The romantic partners of narcissistic people could be some of the most grateful and humble human beings on the planet, but it would not matter to a person with dark personality traits who sees any sign of healthy feedback as a perceived slight to their ego and lashes out in rage. Although narcissistic people lack gratitude for the labor and efforts of their partners and loved ones, sabotage others out of malicious envy, and lack the humility to take accountability when needed, they are the first to label others as ungrateful or egotistical. This allows them to diminish their partner’s healthy pride, deter their goals, and instill in them a sense of needing to be grateful for anything the narcissist chooses to give them, even when the narcissistic partner ultimately neglects their most important and pressing needs. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it was not your fault, and you are not alone. You deserve emotional safety and respect. You deserve to heal from toxic people.