Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology expert

Stonewalling consists of withdrawing from and ending discussions before they’ve even begun. Has your partner, friend, or family member ever deliberately ignored you or given you dismissive, cold replies when you tried to have an important discussion or addressed something significant to them? Have you ever felt silenced by a toxic person’s silent treatment? That is what stonewalling can look like.

When a manipulator stonewalls you, they withdraw from constructive or necessary conversations or discussions and refuses to address your concerns. The person may choose to outright ignore your requests, respond with dismissive, invalidating replies, or evade responding appropriately altogether by giving vague responses that refuse to answer your original questions.

According to researcher Dr. Gottman, there are “four men of the apocalypse” or four communication styles in a relationship that can predict its inevitable demise. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Stonewalling can be part of a demand-withdraw pattern in toxic relationships where victims try to resolve issues or confront mistreatment and abuse, only to be shut down. Such a pattern is associated with greater marital struggles according to research.

Withdrawing from a partner like this can be extremely damaging to a relationship over time. As researcher Dr. Paul Schrodt (2013) discovered, this demand-withdraw pattern in relationships, in which one partner withdraws and the other partner becomes increasingly demanding in response, can cause anxiety, depression, and further conflict within a relationship. While some partners (especially male partners) tend to use stonewalling to avoid conflict, what happens is that it actually causes more emotional friction and distress.

“In many cases, when one partner stonewalls another, the conversation is shut down before it even has a chance to begin.”

In conjunction with stonewalling, periods of the silent treatment can also be weaponized strategically by manipulators to control and punish you, especially if they sense that you are thriving without them, are no longer giving them the emotional reactions to their emotional baiting tactics, or gaining freedom from their control. The silent treatment is used to provoke insecurity, jealousy in cases of manufactured love triangles, as well as a sense of perpetual dread to keep you fixated on this person and trauma bonded to them rather than healthily detaching from them.

In the context of an abusive relationship, both techniques are deliberately used as control tactics – ways to intimidate, belittle, and demean the victim into feeling insignificant. When a narcissist gives you the silent treatment, it’s a way to devalue you and make you feel invisible. It provokes you into reacting so that you are prone to doing whatever you can to gain back their attention and approval.

The Psychological Effects of Stonewalling and The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment and stonewalling can have actual effects on the brain. These withdrawing behaviors may be perceived by the brain as a form of romantic rejection and social ostracism, and such perceived rejection or alienation can activate brain networks associated with loss, reward, motivation, craving, addiction, pain processing, and emotional dysregulation (Fisher, et al., 2010; Cacioppo et al., 2016).

In addition, silent treatments and stonewalling can occur as part of a pattern of intermittent reinforcement to train the victim’s brain to get addicted to the dopamine-fueled relief of getting a response. Since dopamine flows more readily in the brain when there are unpredictable periods of positivity integrated into the sweet-and-mean cycle of emotional abuse, victims work harder to get the “reward” of relief they feel once they get a response from the manipulator, like a gambler at a slot machine seeking the rare and elusive win.

When narcissistic or psychopathic manipulators engage in stonewalling, they do so for the purpose of power and control and to escape accountability. Since these behaviors activate the same parts of the brain that process physical pain, feeling ignored can leave someone feeling injured – literally. These effects can linger powerfully for the victim, causing fresh abandonment wounds and reinforcing old ones.

Partners often react to stonewalling by engaging in frantic attempts to avoid abandonment or overexert and overexplain themselves, attempting to engage in further discussion. Yet all stonewalling does is teach survivors how to live and thrive without the narcissist. Instead of doubling your attempts to contact the narcissist, use the manipulator’s silence as a period of self-care and detachment. Use it to connect to the reality of the manipulation you are experiencing and recognize that you deserve better.

Stonewalling: An Example, How It’s Different from No Contact With An Abuser, What to Do When You’re Being Stonewalled

Read more

Written by psychopathology expert Shahida Arabi, MA

While it’s true both men and women can both be narcissists, women tend to experience specific risks in the dating world due to an increased risk of violence, misogyny, double standards, and the traps of hookup culture.

In 2023, I interviewed hundreds of women on why they had opted out of modern dating for an article. In doing so, I also gained additional insight and validation of the fact that too often society glamorizes the “girlfriend” experience without acknowledging that not only is modern dating a grueling experience for many women, the majority of women’s experiences as a “girlfriend” in modern dating are also dismal and horrific. The coveted relationship title does not dissolve the problems women face in modern dating — if anything, it escalates them into higher levels of harm and risk long-term.

The roles women are expected to inhabit, their social conditioning, and the rampant amount of misogyny and emotionally immature men in the modern dating pool make it unsettling and unsavory to play the role of “the girlfriend” or any kind of similar role for that matter without risking serious effects to women’s well-being and mental health as well as unpaid extraction of her labor without the promise of a steady future — often, it contains just enough future faking to meet a man’s agenda.

It’s time to honor the perks of not being a girlfriend or playing laborer for emotionally immature men, instead of prioritizing toxic relationships over your mental health.

The list below will help serve as a reminder as to why women shouldn’t chase after toxic relationships just for the sake of being in a relationship. Although it won’t apply to all situations, it is based on the experiences millions of women have on average in modern dating.

The perks of NOT being a girlfriend to emotionally immature men.

• You're not overexplaining yourself in long conversations, overexerting yourself, or wasting precious time and energy raising a grown man to be a decent human being. Empathic people naturally respect your boundaries and standards.

• You’re not loyal or committed to a man who has an insatiable thirst for external attention or validation outside of the relationship. You’re not auditioning to be “chosen” by a man who does not value your multifacetedness or see and honor your uniqueness.

• You aren’t performing unpaid domestic, emotional, or intimate labor for men looking to exploit you, or in extreme cases, someday murder or assault you.

• You don't worry about any man's actions or how they might affect your mental health on a daily basis. Your days are free to create joy and success without interruption.

• You're not boosting the ego, status, or reputation of a person who violates you, betrays you, or disrespects you. Your daily presence alone can benefit a man whereas his drains you. You're not benefiting a manipulative person at the expense of your own well-being.

• You are free to pursue options that are healthier for you. You can go out without worrying about anyone else and do what you like, least of all being considerate of someone who chooses to harm you.

• You're not checking up on what he's doing, being subjected to mind games, worrying about his social media, or being enviously attacked due to his insecurities.

• You're not provoked to "compete" and should never have to compete for anyone worthy of you. Jealousy induction is rampant among pickup artists, manipulators, narcissists, and psychopaths, and if you are using dating apps at any point on your journey, you’re left vulnerable to these tactics as these are a hunting ground for predatory people.

• Your worth is not assessed based on how “useful” you are to a man or being “chosen” by one person. You choose yourself and simply enjoy all the options out there if you choose. Your sense of desirability is not dependent on a single man. You can feel desirable in many ways and to many people without your confidence in dating experiencing highs and lows based on his singular actions.

• You have a consistent and general sense of peace and freedom.

— ©️ Shahida Arabi, 2026, “The Perks of NOT Being A Girlfriend to Emotionally Immature Men.”

The 300-page digital modern dating guide for women helps you navigate narcissists and outplay the player to protect yourself, written by an expert in psychopathology. The guide includes a plethora of research-informed insights and tips to help you spot the red flags on dating IRL and on apps, allowing women to reclaim their power, decenter toxic dating partners, and detach from situationships and narcissists in the dating world.

Become a paid subscriber to gain full access to the guide below as well as all paid subscriber articles and healing audios for the full experience, or get the dating guide separately here without a subscription.

For paid subscribers, a link to the full dating guide is included for free at the bottom of this article.

Read more

As a researcher who has corresponded with thousands of people who have been in relationships with psychopathic and narcissistic individuals, I have found that there are certain sadistic patterns of behavior common among narcissists and psychopaths who take pleasure in causing pain to their partners. Here are some red flag behaviors and hurt-and-rescue methods to watch out for:

1. They bait and set you up with information to react to – just so they can rage and engage in crazymaking arguments.

There are times narcissists and psychopaths will purposely give you provocative, triggering, or contradictory information in order to make you question them, exhaust yourself attempting to understand what they mean or constantly ask for further clarification. They will also frame your calm questions as an “interrogation” so they have an excuse to gaslight and condition you to walk on eggshells around them. This is a set up for them to talk in circles, manufacture chaos and rage, just so they can depict you as crazy.

Psychopathy expert Dr. Robert Hare calls this a form of “cold” manufactured rage – one that is not authentic but rather displayed in a shallow, short-lived way to control the victim and keep the victim in his or her “place,” issued in sporadic or unpredictable moments to keep them perpetually off-kilter. In reality, they wanted you to ask more about the unsettling information they offered so they could provoke you and blame you for reacting. This stems from their sadistic need for power and control, and thirst for manufacturing chaos.

Example

Let’s say narcissistic Bryan wants to set up his girlfriend, Rebecca, for rage and gaslighting. He mentions “casually” that a new coworker and him have begun talking. This is an attempt at jealousy induction for the purpose of power and control, which research shows is associated with both narcissistic and psychopathic traits. Rebecca remarks how wonderful that is and asks him calmly, “What did you guys talk about?” only to have Bryan suddenly manufacture a display of rage and claim that Rebecca is “insecure, jealous, crazy” and “interrogating” him.

When Rebecca reminds him gently that he is the one who mentioned the coworker and she was only asking politely, he continues to gaslight and stonewall her, claiming, “I can’t do this with you anymore! You’re so controlling and paranoid! You always want to know everything!” as he rushes out of the room and flees. To an outsider, the scene looks bizarre: Rebecca is calm, gentle, and is expressing polite interest. Bryan, on the other hand, is having a temper tantrum that seems to come out of nowhere.

What just happened here? This is a scenario of a narcissist manufacturing chaos on purpose and setting up the victim to react by laying out “bait” and seeing if the victim takes the bait. When the victim does react, the narcissist punishes the victim for doing exactly what he wanted her to do. Bryan isn’t really enraged – he’s putting on a manufactured display of cold rage to depict Rebecca in a certain light.

He knows very well the information he disclosed would cause her to ask a simple question he will later frame as an “interrogation.” This also conditions Rebecca to walk on eggshells and make her hesitant to approach them with questions or express her emotions in the future.

Bryan has effectively killed two birds with one stone: he’s gained power and control over Rebecca to make her feel and look insecure, and he’s also gained the leverage to engage in shady behavior in the future by instilling fear in Rebecca about holding him accountable. She now knows the “consequences” of confronting him about his behavior and knows she will be punished for it.

2. They manufacture chaos by frequently pushing your trigger buttons to exhaust and disorient you so you’re less able to fight back and seek their comfort as validation. This allows them more control over you.

Some narcissistic and psychopathic individuals sadistically enjoy toying with and deliberately causing pain to others. This gives them a grandiose sense of power and control and a smug sense of satisfaction that they have “one-upped” you with their perpetual cat-and-mouse games.

Researchers note that sadism is a key feature of malignant narcissism (narcissism with antisocial traits). Interestingly, other studies report that individuals high in narcissistic and psychopathic traits tend to experience positive emotions when they view sad faces. Neuroscience research also indicates that when psychopathic individuals imagine others enduring pain, there is increased activation in areas of the brain related to anticipation of reward and decreased activation in areas related to empathy. Psychologists have suggested that this may mean that psychopaths not only lack empathy for the pain of others, but that they also take sadistic pleasure in witnessing or even causing the pain and distress of others…

Self-Care Haven and Narcissism is written by a published researcher and expert specializing in narcissism and psychopathy. This is a paid subscriber post. To unlock all ten hurt-and-rescue methods narcissists use, gain access to all exclusive posts, healing audios, and our 300-page modern dating guide for women, consider becoming a paid subscriber.

Read more

Written by psychopathology researcher and expert, Shahida Arabi, MA

While it’s true both men and women can both be narcissists, women tend to experience specific risks in the dating world due to an increased risk of violence, misogyny, double standards, and the traps of hookup culture. Here’s how you can heighten your protection from dating narcissists, abusers, or users if you’re a woman who hopes to have a healthy relationship in the future.

Go into dating with the healthy fear and skepticism of becoming potentially committed to the wrong man so you’re geared to protect yourself, rather than the hope of finding “the one” right away so you’re incentivized to settle for less.

Men generally tend to decenter their dating lives. It is a “bonus,” not the entirety of their existence. Women, on the other hand, are socialized to center men and relationships from a very young age. In this case, it can actually be helpful to “date like a man” when it comes to how much you prioritize relationships. Women are taught that their ultimate goals in life is getting into a relationship (even if it’s a toxic one) and getting married at all costs. To effectively counter this habit and deprogram this harmful social programming, consider that one of the happiest demographics of women is single and childfree women, and that research indicates that women tend to experience greater psychological distress after the honeymoon period in marriage.

Think about ways in which relationships in general add stress in your life to curb this conditioning – it’s a far healthier and balanced way of viewing commitment and relationships to see both the pros and cons than being hyper-focused on the social status of being in a romantic relationship. Then, recognize the benefits of staying single and not settling until you meet a high-quality partner. Rather than rushing into toxic relationships with manipulators and marriage to give your life meaning, think about the ways your life is already meaningful and enriching, and brainstorm how to improve other aspects of your life; write down your goals for your career, finances, friendships, hobbies, interests, physical fitness, and self-care routine. Level up in these areas so that any potential dating partner must add value to your life in order to enter it. Take the pressure off getting into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship for the social status and focus more on what kind of partner you want to actually have in your life. You can have fun dating without commitment – but even when you do date, make sure you’re vetting your dating partners thoroughly so you are not manipulated or exploited.

Do not let the narcissist or toxic person know you’re onto them. Instead, adjust your behavior toward detachment and withdrawal whenever you see red flags. Use actions and absence, rather than words, to enforce your standards.

It is tempting to call out narcissistic traits and behaviors in a dating partner. Yet most of the time when we are just beginning to know someone, this will not help the situation and will only escalate manipulation when you do so with narcissists and psychopaths…

The 300-page digital modern dating guide for women helps you navigate narcissists and outplay the player to protect yourself, written by an expert in psychopathology. The guide includes a plethora of research-informed insights and tips to help you spot the red flags on dating IRL and on apps, allowing women to reclaim their power, decenter toxic dating partners, and detach from situationships and narcissists in the dating world.

Become a paid subscriber to gain full access to the guide below as well as all paid subscriber articles and healing audios for the full experience, or get the dating guide separately here without a subscription. For paid subscribers, the article continues below, and a link to the full dating guide is included for free at the bottom.

Read more

Written by psychopathology researcher and expert, Shahida Arabi, MA

The popular catchphrase “He’s just not that into you” has become a useful shorthand for people to communicate to women that a man simply may just not be interested in them. It can serve as an important wake-up call to women who may be wasting time overanalyzing a man’s intentions rather than identifying the red flags in his behavior and who are in need of detaching from emotionally unavailable people.

However, the usefulness of this phrase is limited when it comes to toxic and manipulative partners and is quite male-centered in its focus.

The intention of this phrase can be well-meaning – explicitly, it jolts women awake from pursuing a relationship that may be going nowhere or is riddled with red flags. Yet implicitly, what this phrase covertly communicates to partners who may have been manipulated by narcissists or psychopaths is an inaccurate depiction of their true experiences and borders on condescending.

That’s because narcissists and psychopaths can appear to be extremely “into you” in the love bombing phase of the romantic relationship, pursuing their victims with ardent longing, excessive attention, lavish dates, and persistent contact. They purposely get their romantic partners “addicted” to them and invested in them through a cycle of love bombing and withdrawal. They future fake with the intent of fulfilling a hidden agenda. According to research, they also have a habit of staying connected to their exes for access to sex and resources. They may reengage with past partners just when these partners have begun moving on, only to impede their progress, as part of a greater manipulation cycle.

Telling a victim of a narcissist or psychopath – whether male or female – that “they’re just not that into you,” oversimplifies the cycle of manipulation, idealization, and devaluation. “He’s just not that into you” presumes a fair and just world where all people act out of a desire for compatibility and positive qualities in a partner rather than a desire for power and control like narcissists and psychopaths have.

This phrase overemphasizes what is, in reality, the exploitative choices and decisions of a manipulator who deliberately uses initial extreme displays of desire to hook their victims. Rather than identifying the manipulation that is at play, this phrase implicitly places unwarranted value on the decisions of a manipulator whose choices ultimately don’t matter and whose decisions about their choice of partners hold very little merit.

The more appropriate platitude would be, “If he or she is a manipulative narcissist, their choices and actions are not even worthy of being talked about because they engage in a similar manipulative pattern with all their victims — especially the ones they are most threatened by and envious of. It’s not about who they’re into. It’s about the fact that they’re manipulative, lack empathy, and I deserve better.”

Being “chosen” by a low-quality, unempathic, exploitative, manipulative person is not an accomplishment or pursuit we should be condescendingly telling women, or anyone for that matter, to desire, value, or care about. Nor does a narcissist’s choice tell us much about authentic desire. We must also avoid implicitly equating any narcissist’s actions, whether male or female, to a victim’s worthiness or a narcissist’s supposed desire.

Narcissists and psychopaths do not “choose” partners for the same reasons as empathic people do. They choose partners based on the narcissistic supply – ego strokes, praise, attention, sex, and resources – they can extract from these people. They also regularly mistreat, exploit, abuse, and discard partners who are intelligent, attractive, kind, and empathic. For example, a partner who is sought after by too many suitors or is too independent may be too “threatening” to a narcissist to pursue, and they may opt for an easier target.

Narcissists habitually devalue people who are out of their league and have many positive qualities to gain power and control and to feel like they “won” or one-upped someone surpassing them. In fact, they can be pathologically envious of the attractive and accomplished victims they pursue, lashing out in malicious envy of those they feel inferior around, according to studies. The cycles of a toxic relationship with a narcissist almost always hold a promise of the future that never quite comes to fruition for every victim, regardless of all the positive qualities they bring to the table.

They are also obsessed with and ardently pursue those who reject them as a power play to punish these victims and regain control, rather than due to authentic desire. Their choice of who they pursue is usually about the arbitrary whims of what best props up their ego at the time.

The phrase, “He’s just not that into you” is also incredibly male-centered. Rarely do we ever hear people tell men, “She’s just not that into you,” yet male violence against women in response to rejection remains a significant problem, which should make this phrase just as applicable, if not moreso, to men as to women. Indiscriminate use of this phrase across all contexts toward women inadvertently centers what a man desires and values, placing a man’s arbitrary “choices” rather than what a woman deserves on the pedestal.

It doesn’t just severely underestimate how much narcissists and psychopaths (male or female) can exhibit an extreme desire for victims in the beginning stages of romantic relationships – it also gaslights victims into believing that they should care more about what a manipulative person thinks of them, rather than recognizing how a person who lacks empathy and chronically exploits others wouldn’t be a compatible, healthy partner for anyone. While this phrase can apply to “normal” interactions with empathic people, it can be oversimplifying and invalidating to partners of narcissistic and psychopathic people, or toxic partners in general.

Narcissists dangle the carrot of future-faking to keep their victims invested in their intermittent kindness. Their reasons and motives for who they pursue and when they stop pursuing are very different from what traditional dating advice tells us about compatibility, romance, and desire…

The 300-page digital modern dating guide for women helps you navigate narcissists and outplay the player to protect yourself, written by an expert in psychopathology. The guide includes a plethora of research-informed insights and tips to help you spot the red flags on dating IRL and on apps, allowing women to reclaim their power, decenter toxic dating partners, and detach from situationships and narcissists in the dating world.

Become a paid subscriber to gain full access to the guide below as well as all paid subscriber articles and healing audios for the full experience, or get the dating guide separately here without a subscription. For paid subscribers, the article continues below, and a link to the dating guide is included for free.

Read more

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology researcher and expert

There are eight ways you can cause a psychopathic person to reveal their true colors before you get heavily involved.

Share your good news.

An empathic person will celebrate you organically. A psychopathic person is maliciously envious and may first approach your success with starry-eyed admiration and love bombing, only to try to undercut you later with devaluing remarks, minimizations, or attempts at provoking jealousy. For example, if you disclose to a psychopathic friend that you have just started dating an amazing person, you might notice that psychopathic friend attempt to flirt with that same person once you introduce them - also known as attempted “partner poaching” to one-up you. Or, if you tell a jealous psychopathic dating partner that you’ve just earned your PhD from a prestigious university, they may cast doubt about your strengths and ability to succeed to undermine you.

Use the red herring technique.

Disclose a small fear, insecurity, or unpleasant experience (can be real or false) and use this as bait to see if they “bite” by using it as ammunition against you in the near future. For example, if you share a false insecurity regarding your legs that you don’t actually possess, and a dating partner makes a cruel comment about your legs under the guise of a joke a couple of weeks later, you know you are dealing with a person who is not emotionally safe, and such behavior would escalate if you ever did share any of your vulnerabilities or real-life traumas. This helps you opt out of the relationship earlier than usual and mitigates potential harm.

Share what you’re confident about - and see how they try to detract from you and “humble” you.

Psychopathic and narcissistic individuals resent people who they perceive to be out of their league and who surpass them, whether in relationships, dating, in the workplace, or in friendships. For example, if you’re an attractive woman in the dating world with many options, a psychopathic person in the dating pool would likely try to minimize or “neg” your most attractive features or try to provoke jealousy, especially if they sense you are authentically confident and want to try to “humble” you.

If you have a maliciously envious boss at work, the minute they sense you have achievements that surpass other colleagues or even themselves and feel threatened by your healthy pride in this, they may try to detract from these accomplishments by promoting people who did not deserve it, giving opportunities you rightfully earned to your competitors, stealing your work to try to take credit or make profit, or by making covert comments minimizing your high performance. They do not want you to own the spotlight that you deserve.

Confront what bothers you - and see if they repeat the harm or double down on the gaslighting.

Psychopathic individuals are “wired” differently when it comes to how their brains respond to dopamine. They are in constant pursuit of novelty and require high levels of stimulation. Some can be sadistic and seek out egregious ways to provoke you to get the emotional reactions they desire.

That is why, if you confront their behavior once and they do not change their behavior and in fact, escalate their attempts at provoking you, it will help you establish the baseline for how they react to your boundaries.

For example, if you tell a psychopath that you notice that whenever you are complimented by others on your beauty that the psychopath later tries to provoke jealousy in you by trying to “humble” you, or if you tell a psychopathic individual that it bothers you that they follow inappropriate accounts on social media, but they simply increase that behavior at moments they think it will hurt you the most, you know that their behavior is deliberate and calculated to taunt you.

More sophisticated manipulators may apologize, take accountability, and pretend to reassure you when you do confront them, but they will revert to the same behaviors they once pretended to show remorse for. Others will double down on gaslighting you into believing you’re insecure or “crazy.” Rest assured - when harmful behavior is repeated multiple times despite knowing the potential danger it can cause, such behavior is on purpose, and narcissists and psychopaths tend to provoke jealousy on purpose for power and control.

Analyze how they react when you’re in distress.

How does this dating partner or potential friend treat you when they know you’re going through a difficult time or facing an obstacle? This behavior can reveal how they may treat you in even more serious situations such as illness, pregnancy, or emotional ailments…

Read more

Written by psychopathology researcher and expert, Shahida Arabi, MA

A researcher specializing in narcissism translates the eleven most common lies narcissistic partners tell in the modern dating world.

“I am looking for a serious relationship.”

Translation: “I am looking to sleep with you, but rather than going the easier route and finding a partner who also wants something casual, I’d rather find someone looking for a relationship who I can “conquer.” Did I mention my love language is physical touch? You are a conquest and a challenge, and I will do whatever it takes you to make you invest in me and attracted to me. It boosts my ego when I can sleep with a dating partner who is out of my league. It gives me a special thrill that I can con someone like you into liking me and my false mask because that means you’re finally showing interest in me, and I now hold all the power. After I’ve tricked and hooked you, I get to withdraw and withhold and watch you scramble for my attention. What fun! If we do ever end up in a committed relationship, rest assured I’d still continue to exploit you, just longer term.”

“You’re my soulmate. We’re so similar. I could really see a future with you.”

Translation: “You’re a great source of narcissistic supply, and I love being able to extract whatever energy, labor, and resources I need from you to benefit me. I really enjoy love bombing you and getting you to believe there’s a future for us. I feed off your adoration. As a chameleon, I’ll morph into whoever you want me to be and whatever I sense you deeply desire. You actually are my mirror image because I know how to mirror you – your every interest, belief, dream, goal, preference, need. I will become you so you trust me readily. Really, you’re just falling in love with a conglomeration of yourself and the identities I’ve stolen in the past, including the personalities of my exes.”

“I would never lie to you. I am such an honest and good person.”

Translation: “Moral grandstanding early on allows me to depict myself as everything I am not, and plausible deniability and gaslighting are key to managing your impression of me. In reality, if a person was honest by default, they wouldn’t even be defending themselves preemptively like this, when we aren’t even discussing the topic of honesty. I think more about looking honest and trustworthy than the average person because I know I cannot be trusted, that is why I am engaging in impression management, and I know I’ll soon be engaging in shady actions that make you doubt my character. So, I’ll need to prematurely establish and safeguard your image of me so that any evidence you see of my dubious morality is more readily dismissed, minimized, and rationalized.”

“I don’t believe in labels. Isn’t our love enough?”

Translation: “I am having fun stringing you along without a formal commitment, whether that be future-faking the promise of a relationship or marriage…

Unlock the rest of this list and gain access to our modern dating guide for women. The 300-page digital modern dating guide for women helps you navigate narcissists and outplay the player to protect yourself, written by an expert in psychopathology. The guide includes a plethora of research-informed insights and tips to help you spot the red flags on dating IRL and on apps, allowing women to reclaim their power, decenter toxic dating partners, and detach from situationships and narcissists in the dating world.

Become a paid subscriber to gain full access to the guide below as well as all paid subscriber articles and healing audios for the full experience, or get the dating guide separately here without a subscription. For paid subscribers, the article continues below, and a link to the dating guide is included for free.

Read more

Written by psychopathology researcher Shahida Arabi, MA

Narcissistic and psychopathic partners can engage in calculated manipulation methods to diminish their partners and their self-image, and these psychologically abusive relationships can take a toll on both the mind and body.

After love bombing their targets heavily with flattery and praise to get them addicted to and accustomed to their validation, narcissists often start fixating on perceived flaws or shortcomings of their partners to instill insecurities in them, pit them against other romantic prospects to invite derogatory comparisons, or manufacture flaws that don’t exist at all.

This is akin to metaphorically placing a funhouse mirror in front of their victims to make them view themselves in a negative or skewed light. Survivors of narcissists often do not see themselves accurately in a romantic relationship with a narcissist because they are led to believe in their perceived (often false) shortcomings or to feel constantly on-edge and off-kilter due to attempted jealousy provocation, comparisons, nitpicking, gaslighting, and minimization.

This can lead survivors to engage in compulsive “checking” behaviors to ensure such flaws don’t exist, an obsessive preoccupation with appearance, and a heightened inner critic that may contribute to body image issues or exacerbate pre-existing body dysmorphia.

This type of distortion can lead an abuse victim to develop a distorted self-image that doesn’t reflect their true self accurately. As victims internalize this distorted self-image, this could then result not just in a variation of body dysmorphia but also, in some cases, disordered eating or eating disorders in an attempt to manage the effects of the abuse and trauma symptoms they are experiencing and to counter the negative policing and degradation they’ve experienced. Research shows that there is a high comorbidity between PTSD and eating disorders. As a researcher, I’ve also found a significant association between being in a romantic relationship with someone high in narcissistic traits and PTSD symptoms related to the relationship.

One possible way individuals who are in such relationships might react to the stress of their trauma symptoms is through disordered eating or other maladaptive attempts to regain control over their bodies during times of perceived powerlessness…

Read more

Written by psychopathology expert and researcher Shahida Arabi, MA

Did you know that there are 5 behaviors that are often automatically mistaken for narcissism in popular culture and society, but actually may not be, according to research? Identifying what narcissism is and what isn’t is key to better understanding our relationships, ourselves, and others.

Here are five behaviors you may have seen associated with narcissism that require more nuance and analysis in the context of research.

1. Standing up to abuse or defending yourself against abuse, or having valid reactions to chronic mistreatment.

Society is prone to mischaracterizing the reactions of victims to oppression and abuse and labeling these reactions “abuse.” This mischaracterization is especially common when victims of abuse begin reacting to more subtle signs of the prolonged abuse they’ve endured. For example, a victim who has been constantly ridiculed behind closed doors may appear to “overreact” to a more covert put-down from their abuser in public. However, while their reaction may appear disproportionate to outsiders, it is usually a legitimate response to being chronically poked, prodded, and provoked to react.

Narcissists also use certain phrases or coded dog-whistles that only the victim understands as abuse to degrade the victim in public without facing consequences from onlookers. This does not make the victim narcissistic: it makes the victim human – someone who has been grappling with the severe trauma and emotional rollercoaster of an abusive relationship.

2. Selfie-taking on its own without other narcissistic traits and behaviors.

Researchers discovered something interesting about selfie-taking: while it was significantly associated with narcissism scores in men, it was generally not associated with narcissism scores in women, contrary to what might be normally assumed. While excessive selfie-taking has been shown to be an indicator of more grandiose narcissistic traits and can point to the “vanity” aspect of narcissism, on its own it is not a concrete measure of narcissism since other studies have found that people who score low on narcissism can also take many selfies.

Therefore, selfie-taking behaviors must be considered along with the presence or absence of other more harmful narcissistic behaviors in order to determine whether someone is truly narcissistic. Ironically, a woman who takes a selfie can be less narcissistic than an envious narcissistic woman judging them viciously and contemptuously putting them down or spreading rumors as a result. That’s because harmful traits and behaviors that far surpass vanity such as malicious envy, relational aggression, a lack of empathy toward others, and exploitativeness are associated with narcissism according to research.

It is also important to take into account the contexts of these behaviors when considering whether they truly stem from narcissism. With the rise of social media, taking selfies has become a normalized part of our culture. People may take selfies to capture happy moments, celebrate a glow-up, connect with others, and rebuild their self-concept around their appearance, especially if they’ve been nitpicked or hypercriticized by narcissistic and envious bullies.

Being bullied or abused by a narcissistic partner can contribute to body dysmorphia. Victims of narcissistic partners may develop a preoccupation with their appearance as a result of this bullying, and selfie-taking may be one of the potential ways they restore a sense of self-confidence or represent an empowering milestone in their road back to self-confidence. Yet the myth that selfie-taking is automatically narcissistic can ironically cause these victims to be unfairly labeled or stigmatized, especially on their healing journey.

3. Exhibiting Healthy Pride.

Narcissists can be grandiose, cocky, and overly confident, exaggerating their accomplishments and demanding special treatment and praise from others even if they’ve climbed the corporate ladder using manipulation or leeched off the work of others to get ahead. However, this is drastically different from exhibiting healthy pride in accomplishments that you have earned or speaking matter-of-factly about your experiences, credentials, skill set, inner and outer positive qualities, and traits.

It is important not to assume that someone is narcissistic just because they appear to forego false humility and acknowledge their strengths. In fact, false humility may be weaponized by true narcissists to appear innocent and generous to the people they are manipulating…

Read more

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology expert and researcher

Social media has often been labeled the culprit for breeding narcissists, but narcissists have always existed in one form or another prior to the digital age; social media platforms have just given them an extra, impactful tool to try to provoke people, even in ways that defy the limits of distance and go beyond our immediate social circles.

Here are five common ways narcissists – those without empathy and with an excessive sense of entitlement – use social media to exploit, gaslight, manipulate, and emotionally destabilize their victims:

1. To create love triangles and gaslight you.

Social media is a veritable playground and hunting ground, especially for malignant narcissists. It gives them easy access to multiple victims and the ability to manufacture love triangles in covert, insidious ways. In order to understand how and exactly why narcissists use these platforms for such petty power plays, it’s essential that we remember that they tend to be insatiable in their attention-seeking and their desire to create “harems” and cults of people who adore them. They will, of course, deny that they are doing this – and it’s easy to convince anyone who is suspicious of their behavior that such a focus on their online behavior is “crazy.”

For example, observe what a self-confessed gaslighter told BBC news when asked about the role his gaslighting played in covering his tracks on social media:

“Paula was extremely intelligent, but I was aware that I was leaving traces of infidelity in the digital world, on social media,” says Greg. He said he made jokes over a period of time pointing to her ‘obsession’ with social media, making her feel that she was suspicious in an unhealthy, even ‘crazy’ way. “I deliberately used demeaning language to make her lose confidence in her reading of the situation, of my infidelity. She was ‘paranoid’, she was ‘crazy’, she was ‘full of drama’. I’d say this all as jokes. But they would build over time, and she then started to believe…”

Read more

For decades, new age spiritual communities have demonized the true attributes and behaviors that could help us break free from manipulative people and encouraged “love and light” spiritual bypassing, which only increased the avoidance. Avoidance of our authentic emotions can actually strengthen trauma-related symptoms and keep us stuck on the emotional hamster wheel of rationalizing the mistreatment survivors have experienced and trapped in the loop of forgiving and forgetting our way into further harm.

Spiritual bypassing became dangerous when it allowed us to shut off our natural defense system against predatory people and mute the protective mechanisms and instincts that helped keep us safe.

Here is the key to actually breaking free and breaking the trauma bond authentically — without the spiritual bypassing.

Click Here to Watch and Listen: Here’s What ACTUALLY Breaks the Trauma Bond to the Narcissist: And It’s Not Compassion

Image by Alice Bitencourt

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology expert and researcher

A narcissistic person or manipulator is usually barely on your radar at the beginning of any relationship or dating scenario. In fact, they often chased you first in hot pursuit. Perhaps they pursued you ardently at first and tried to capture your attention with sweet messages, flowers, gifts, and romantic dates. They showered you with love bombing, flattery, and praise. They perceived you to be out of their league and behaved as if they were lucky and appreciative to have you. Once they got you hooked or you threatened their ego in some way, however, the communication likely became more sporadic and unpredictable. They tried to provoke jealousy in you, creating perverse love triangles to make you constantly on edge. They withheld attention on purpose and began withdrawing affection from you.

You will know you’re dealing with a manipulator in dating and in relationships when they want to emotionally destabilize you and place you in a state of constant chaos and confusion.

They will go out of their way to love bomb you one minute, then try to provoke jealousy in you the next. They will “bait” you into conversations they know violate your boundaries. They will deliberately make statements they know they will contradict with their behavior, just to keep you uncertain and focused on “figuring” them out. Their actions will contradict their words, revealing discrepancies and falsehoods they want you to become hyper-focused on.

The motive? To keep your attention fixated on them so you don’t detach from the relationship or explore better partners, friends, or opportunities.

What dark triad personality types fail to recognize is that people who authentically have options and are naturally desirable will usually not have to play such mind games to make themselves look valuable.

They want to keep you off-kilter and focused on analyzing them. They want you obsessed and focused on decoding their mixed signals, hot-and-cold behavior, and perverse love triangles. They want you to pine for them and the attention they once gave you. This behavior becomes especially chronic and intense out of envy and resentment, especially if they perceive you as being out of their league or having more options than they do.

Here are the three gaslighting mind games narcissists play to keep you on the emotional hamster wheel of chasing them after they pursued you first.

Creating love triangles ruthlessly, while normalizing these toxic dynamics and acting as if their victims are the “needy” ones when they disrupt normal and established patterns of communication.

The relationship cycle with a narcissist or psychopath begins with a heavy amount of praise, adoration, and idealization, as well as consistent attention and affection – only to abruptly withdraw into devaluation, withholding, and withdrawal. One of the ways narcissistic and psychopathic people like to poke and prod to evoke reactions in their victims is through jealousy induction, which research indicates they weaponize for power and control, as well as exacting revenge and testing the relationship. This means they often ruthlessly create love triangles in a way that would seem incredibly callous to most people.

For example, a male narcissist may continually bring up potential romantic prospects and options they have to emotionally destabilize a dating partner who he perceives to be out of this league. In longer-term relationships, they may take their wife or child to meet their mistress under the guise that their affair partner is “just a friend,” and proceed to call their wife jealous and insecure if they reacted to any kind of inappropriate flirtation they witnessed, and depict the wife as someone who doesn’t want them to have any friends rather than the actual reality of the situation.

Or a female narcissist might send raunchy text messages to the man she’s having an affair with while on a romantic dinner date with her significant other. When asked who she is talking to, she may gaslight her partner by telling him he is being controlling (this is different from the case of an actually controlling partner where an affair or deliberate jealousy induction is not taking place).

These types of love triangles are purposefully staged in order to provoke the victim, as narcissists and psychopaths thrive in chaos. Psychopaths especially tend to be high sensation-seekers and prone to boredom, and gain excitement and a thrill from being able to “toy” with the emotions of others. When victims react to such provocations, it gives the narcissist or psychopath a sense of being the puppet-master and a false sense of superiority as they try to compel people to compete for them.

Appearing to be concerned for you and expressing verbally that they don’t want to hurt you, but taking the very action they knew would harm you the most.

The manipulation of a narcissistic or psychopathic individual is frequently more carefully orchestrated than people think…

Read more

Did you feel the constant threat of abandonment or the introduction of third parties and love prospects — creating perverse triangles to provoke jealousy and insecurity in you?

You may have experienced what narcissists, psychopaths, and red pill pick-up artists call “the dread game.”

Click Here to Learn More in this Video: The Dread Game — The Dating Manipulation Tactic Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Pick-Up Artists Use to Emotionally Destabilize You

Written by psychopathology expert Shahida Arabi, MA

Most narcissists and psychopaths are “emotionally unavailable” in that they do not form authentic, healthy attachments to others and tend to have shallow emotions. However, not all emotionally unavailable people are narcissistic or psychopathic - if they are “just” emotionally unavailable and do not have dark triad traits, their behaviors and motives can be quite distinct depending on their level of emotional maturity, integrity, and moral value system.

Here’s how to know you’re dealing with an emotionally unavailable person who is not narcissistic, as opposed to a dark triad personality.

1. The narcissist or psychopath enters relationships with a specific agenda of exploitation.

The reasons narcissists get into relationships are different and far more sinister. Emotionally unavailable people who are not narcissistic can consist of a diverse group: some may be unavailable because of a recent break-up, past traumas, or because they are currently lacking in areas that would lead to healthy patterns in their relationships and intimacy.

Some non-narcissistic emotionally unavailable people subconsciously and unwittingly pursue partners who are also emotionally unavailable or have traits they know ultimately aren’t compatible so they can mitigate the risk of getting “too” attached or overestimate their ability to be in a relationship. Some emotionally unavailable people may be so afraid of getting hurt that they distance themselves from relationships or opt out of modern dating altogether. Others have subconscious patterns they’re not aware of that may unintentionally push others away, although they have the ability and willingness to work on these behaviors if they have the emotional maturity to do so.

However, whether they’re emotionally unavailable or not, they are still responsible for any toxic behaviors they engage in that harms others.

Narcissists and psychopaths generally have a deliberate pattern of purposely getting into a series of relationships to hurt and exploit others to gain power and control. They do not stop searching for partners regardless of whether they’re in a relationship and rarely take a break to “heal” from past relationships because they’re the ones doing the hurting and do not develop genuine attachments to anyone.

Narcissistic and psychopathic individuals enjoy excessively flattering, future-faking, love bombing, and later devaluing their targets. They experience a special euphoric “high” from the sense of superiority they feel by pulling the wool over people’s eyes and getting people who would otherwise not pursue them to chase them.

Those with narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies will pursue you even after they’ve harmed you to see whatever resources you can provide: whether it be sex, attention, praise, money, a place to live, or emotional nourishment.

Psychopaths especially get a significant dopamine hit from love bombing and conning targets due to the ways their dopamine system is wired differently to seek out high sensation-seeking and thrill-seeking behaviors…

Read more

Quote of the Day

Written by psychopathology expert Shahida Arabi, MA

It is not empathy, compassion, or forgiveness that breaks the trauma bond with a narcissist. Surprisingly, it is your anger, your ego, and your pride that have the potential to bring you back into a healthy state of self-defense and break through the mental fog with more clarity and certainty about how unacceptable the abuse you’re experiencing is. Even when self-love and self-respect have been eroded by the effects of trauma - anger and pride, as well as outrage at having your self-concept belittled- these can still kick in to save your life when you need it the most, because the ego wants to defend you and protect your rights.

Without anger or the ego, many misuse empathy and compassion to sympathize with and rationalize the narcissist’s behavior or to overexplain themselves and their feelings in hopes that the narcissist will change. Spiritual communities may demonize the ego, but suppressing the ego only suppresses your natural defense system against predators.

The reason narcissists pathologize your valid anger in response to their chronic mistreatment is because they know anger is one of the most powerful emotions that breaks through the gaslighting, the mental fog, and self-doubt that ultimately helps you break the trauma bond that keeps you tethered to them. That’s why they tell you to not hold a grudge and "let it go,” to prematurely forgive them. They don’t want you to connect to the authentic outrage at being violated that frees you from them.

It’s all about using the ego strategically. Avoid using the ego or your anger to exhaust yourself arguing with the narcissist or to excessively prove your worth to them or participating in their love triangles by trying to compete. Use your ego to tap back into your natural survival and self-protective instincts and your authentic anger at being violated in order to detach and exit from the relationship instead.

— ©️Shahida Arabi, MA — The Audie Award Nominated book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is available in all major physical bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble, and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Paid-Subscriber In-Depth Articles

The Audie Award nominated book Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is available in all major physical bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble and everywhere books are sold.

You can also purchase it directly from the publisher here or alternatively on Amazon here or all other retailers of your choice as well!

Editorial Reviews

“This book is a must-read for anyone wanting to understand why they became so unhealthily attached to a toxic person, and how to reclaim personal power and integrity.” —George Simon, PhD, author of the international best-seller, In Sheep’s Clothing, and Character Disturbance

“Shahida Arabi masterfully educates readers about the complex intersection of neuroscience and the intricacies of healing in the aftermath of psychological abuse. Written in a style that is digestible, informative, and packed with research, Shahida’s book will no doubt serve as an essential guide for survivors and helping professionals alike. Bravo, Shahida!” —Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker/psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, and author of Soul Vampires

“Shahida Arabi’s work has contributed mightily to our understanding of how to help victims identify, avoid, and escape from toxic narcissists and psychopaths. Her latest book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths, brilliantly outs the dynamics of such exploitive, destructive people. Her guidance on escaping from ensnaring narcissists is the most comprehensive I have ever read. Anyone who reads it will be aided greatly in avoiding or breaking trauma bonds.” —Pete Walker, LMFT, traumatologist, and best-selling author of Complex PTSD

“A transformational book for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it provides a killer combination of impeccable research, science, and case studies to reassure readers that what happened to them was no one-off or in any way their fault, and, additionally, that the distress they feel is not an ‘overreaction,’ but the measurable effect of trauma on their brains—which can, happily, be gradually reverted by doing the healing work Arabi outlines.” —Annie Kaszina, PhD, www.recoverfromemotionalabuse.com, and author of Married to Mr. Nasty and The Woman You Want to Be

“Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is a vital resource for survivors seeking to reclaim their mental and emotional well-being. Shahida’s insightful guidance empowers individuals to break free from the destructive cycles of manipulative relationships. With clarity and compassion, this book provides a road map for detaching from toxic bonds and rediscovering inner strength. A must-read for those ready to break free from the grips of trauma and reclaim their sense of self.” —Lisa A. Romano, life coach and award-winning author specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery

“Readers will find validation and clarity in Shahida Arabi’s science-based, research-backed analysis. They will also encounter a knowledgeable and compassionate guide who provides hope and the important steps to begin to support the self-awareness necessary to break through the disorientation and fragmentation that accompanies this kind of destructive relational dynamic, and ultimately return to wholeness.” —Gretchen Seitz, DAOM, LAc, owner of Seitz Acupuncture and Integrative Health

Image by StarFlames

Written by psychopathology researcher and expert, Shahida Arabi, MA

It’s often been said that you should be wary of your date being rude to the waiter, but what about a date who flirts constantly with the waitress?

Narcissists enjoy creating love triangles on purpose and deliberately provoking jealousy in their partners—thousands of partners of narcissistic and psychopathic individuals have shared their experiences dissecting this phenomenon of narcissists creating perverse love triangles while exhibiting duping delight and interest in assessing their partner’s reactions to these attempts.

There is an insatiable sense of attention-seeking that a narcissistic person exhibits as he or she tries to gain “supply” (e.g. attention, praise, admiration, sex, status, etc.) from anyone and everyone they meet.

This method is often used to create love triangles among the people that the narcissistic abuser depends on for his or her daily “fix” of attention. It is one of the most insidious, harmful tools narcissists use to manipulate their former partners, their current partners, their “groupies,” as well as their new targets.

Narcissists enjoy using jealousy provocation as a mind game that gives them control over multiple people simultaneously, pitting them against each other in an endless competition. It confirms to them their own grandiosity – after all, aren’t they superior if they have all these people competing for their approval and validation? They certainly think so.

Informally, this behavior of constantly bringing another person or people into the dynamic of the relationship has been referred to as romantic triangulation. In the research literature, it is known as jealousy induction.

What Does Jealousy Provocation or Induction Look Like?

Jealousy induction or provocation can take many forms. Narcissistic and psychopathic partners may engage in explicit or implicit comparisons designed to get their partners to compete for their attention or work harder for their approval (e.g. “My ex was never insecure like you.”) They may mention past or current love interests (“Did I tell you about that new coworker I went to lunch with? He’s so fun!)” or hint at their own deception or affairs, presenting “rivals” in hopes that their partner demonstrates insecurity or evidence of heightened interest in the narcissist as a result (“I am going out with my “friend” Nancy tonight. Don’t wait up!”). They may even take their partners to places where they know they will run into their affair partners just for the sadistic pleasure of witnessing them interacting — for example, taking their current wife to their mistress’s place of work is a common tale I hear from survivors.

Technology has also made it possible for jealousy induction to occur rampantly in the digital landscape, as narcissists and psychopaths can now provoke jealousy in their partners on social media through “likes” and “follows” designed to destabilize and gaslight their partners into feeling simultaneously insecure and “crazy.”

There is also now a wealth of research that supports and documents this behavior in narcissistic individuals and points to the surprising motives behind what is called “jealousy induction” in the research literature. In my 2022 study published in the journal of Personality and Individual Differences, I found significant positive correlations between both narcissistic (including both vulnerable and grandiose narcissism) and psychopathic partner traits and the use of manipulation tactics such as jealousy induction, particularly for grandiose narcissism and psychopathy.

Other research demonstrates why narcissists and psychopaths engage in this type of behavior. The findings of these studies indicate that overall, narcissistic and psychopathic partners can provoke jealousy as a strategic strategy to gain power and control over their partners, but how and why they do so is nuanced.

What Are Some Examples of Jealousy Induction?

They flaunt giving something they know you desired to someone else.

One of the ways toxic people try to provoke jealousy in their partners is to take an inventory of your expressed desires. They may even purposely go out of their way to give someone they know has harmed you something you asked for. This is a deplorable tactic used to destabilize and punish you for “daring” to ask for more when you’ve already gone out of your way to provide for them and please them. These desires don’t have to be particularly demanding; sometimes they are the bare minimum, considering what you’ve given them. Perhaps you’ve told them you want a commitment, or more thoughtful gifts, or just some extra attention and affection – the same things you’ve probably already given them in spades. In the love bombing phase, these individuals may give you what you desire to keep you invested in the relationship, but in the devaluation phase of the relationship, narcissistic and psychopathic individuals will go out of their way to flaunt giving those very things you asked for to other people and ensure that you know this.

Jealousy provocation also has the added “reward” of allowing narcissists access to resources from each and every victim – whether that resource be wealth, status, or simply ego boosts. It also serves as a way to punish victims for seeking to be independent agents and to keep them reliant on the narcissist’s approval.

You may be wondering: why would anyone fall into this trap? It’s because jealousy induction can happen in covert, underhanded ways meant to subtly make victims question themselves. The narcissist’s false mask helps to reinforce his or her charming presence, which lures both potential victims as well previous partners into a horrific abuse cycle filled with love-bombing idealization, cruel and callous devaluation and a comfort-punishment dynamic that creates trauma bonding between victim and predator.

They constantly mention ex-partners or potential love prospects in excessive ways.

A major way you can tell if you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic person is how often they try to bring other people into the dynamic of your relationship. This is the date that brings up their exes and flirts with the waitress or pursues inappropriately close friendships with the opposite sex that they flaunt to try to make you jealous. They may constantly bring up other people to try to make you feel insecure, whether it be a shady friend, a co-worker, or a past lover.

They weaponize the traits of another person to try to point out perceived flaws or shortcomings in you, creating false equivalencies or fabricated flaws…

Read the full in-depth guide behind the research regarding jealousy induction in narcissists and psychopaths, and an extensive look into how to heal. More discussion of studies and pages of tips follow for paid subscribers below.

Read more

Read and narrated by the wonderful Carrie Coello and produced by Tantor Audio, one of the leading audiobook publishers in the world!

Listen to the audio sample above for a pick-me-up and primer on manifestation. 🤍

To enjoy the full audiobook of Alchemy, be sure to find it on Audible or Amazon here.

You can also find it on other retailers here.

If you are a paid subscriber and would like to enter to win a free audiobook of Alchemy, feel free to comment below.

If you haven’t yet taken advantage of some of the exclusive healing meditation audios that are available to paid subscribers, I invite you to browse and listen to see what you might find most helpful for your circumstances.

The images below are previews of some of the meditation audios available. The link to all guided meditations can be found at the bottom of this page for paid subscribers.

To access the link to all meditations above, consider being a paid subscriber.

Subscribe now

To access the link to all meditations above, consider being a paid subscriber.

Self-Care Haven and Narcissism is written by a psychopathology researcher and expert specializing in narcissism and psychopathy. Gain access to our exclusive articles, healing audios, and 300-page modern dating guides by becoming a paid subscriber.

Read more

Narcissists can be male or female, and so can toxic people in general; in past articles, I’ve written about female narcissists at length. This is a piece in my series of articles directed to women because they experience specific risks in the modern dating world, including escalated risks of violence, deception (specifically consent by deception), assault, and rampant misogyny.

Time and time again, I’ve been privy to thousands of modern dating horror stories from women, many of whom have already opted out of dating altogether. It’s becoming clear that some men in the modern dating pool may claim they want women to be a certain way - but frequently desire or act on the opposite of those claims. For example, some may claim they want women who cook, clean, and endlessly cater to their emotions - more of a laborer than an actual partner. They may claim they want a “good woman” who remains faithful and loyal throughout all transgressions. In reality, they become deeply obsessed with women who are unpredictable, unattainable, ruthless, and often out of their league, all while exploiting the same type of “good woman” they claim to want for resources, labor, and the reputation boost they receive from being seen with her.

What some of these men in the modern dating world want is not a compatible partner who they genuinely admire and are attracted to on a multifaceted level - on one hand, they desire novelty, excitement, and danger, which they often find in short-term encounters or affair partners, in keeping with the “Madonna-Whore” complex where they dichotomize women rather than taking in the full breadth of a woman’s personality. On the other hand, they may need a wife who does the majority of labor behind closed doors to keep up appearances.

That is why most women are unwittingly stuck in a game they never consented to playing in the modern dating world. The game of proving their usefulness, their desirability - all for a dating partner who usually cannot “see” or honor them fully, and easily become consumed by chasing women who make far less effort.

That’s because “effort” in the way women have been programmed and conditioned to believe is necessary in the modern dating world is often fruitless. In fact, it’s counterproductive and harmful. Cooking, cleaning, playing wifey, settling for low-effort dates to seem “low-maintenance” while self-sacrificing doesn’t change your dating partner’s agenda, which can be covert and hidden for months or even years.

True empowerment requires that women prioritize themselves the way many men in the modern dating world put themselves first.

In fact, doing otherwise tends to signal to the dating partners who are in constant pursuit of novelty that you are easy prey, and opens women up to be used. It also doesn’t allow women to fully flourish in an already unequal world. You can’t “effort” your way into making someone decent or kind - nor should you have to as a woman, considering you already take on the majority of risks and burdens in dating. The natural state where women flourish in modern dating is not effort - it is ease, strategic ruthlessness, energy conservation, and discernment with the goal of only allowing dating encounters that allow for far more benefits than costs.

There’s a reason why the same women who say they don’t want to “play games,” or “be mean” unfortunately become susceptible to exploitation. They talk at length about how they transparently shared their emotions, wore their hearts on their sleeves with vulnerability, and bent over backwards trying to show their dating partners they were “wife material,” only to end up in situationships (or humiliationships might be the more appropriate term), or worse, with a man who was nowhere husband material.

They’re in no way to blame for the social conditioning that made them vulnerable in the first place: but there are ways to combat this programming.

Modern dating is inevitably a game when you are attempting to date any oppressor who seeks a power play. You can’t escape it, even if you’re in the search for a well-meaning, authentic partner. That is why becoming well-versed in the game and self-defense tactics is essential to protecting yourself from its harmful tactics and the narcissistic people who use them…

Read more

Photo by Alexander Mass

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology researcher and expert

Imposter Syndrome was first identified in 1978 by researchers Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes. They noticed this phenomenon in high achieving women at universities. Since then, psychologists have noted that Imposter Syndrome may be present in approximately 25 to 30 percent of high achievers and is prevalent in marginalized groups such as underrepresented racial, ethnic and religious minorities. This makes sense, as marginalized individuals can experience unjust microaggressions and discrimination at higher rates which may make them underestimate their own capacities even when they are high achieving and surpass their peers.

For example, in the realm of academia, highly accomplished scholars from marginalized communities may experience minimizing comments from envious privileged peers who they surpass due to jealousy — especially scholars who have groundbreaking accomplishments that they themselves don’t possess.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

People who struggle with Imposter Syndrome can like they are undeserving of the recognition and accomplishments they have garnered. Although they may be highly intelligent, educated, skilled, competent or high-achieving, they fear they are less impressive than they are perceived to be by others. Individuals with Imposter Syndrome may misattribute their hard work, natural talents and the fruits of their labor to good luck or timing. In reality, they are more than deserving and worthy of the healthy praise and recognition they receive.

How Do Narcissistic Partners and Family Members Cause Imposter Syndrome?

According to research, narcissistic individuals subject their partners and family members to distinct patterns of devaluation, envy, and rage. Romantic relationships with narcissists and psychopaths can even result in PTSD symptoms. One of the ways narcissistic individuals diminish their partners, family members, and co-workers is by belittling their skills, abilities, accomplishments, as well as their internal and external positive traits. This is how a narcissistic individual controls, isolates and polices his or her loved ones so they remain dependent on the narcissist’s validation. 

There are three main ways they instill a sense of imposter syndrome in their targets:

1. Minimizing or detracting from their accomplishments, especially through comparison or by misattributing these accomplishments to good luck or chance. Narcissistic and psychopathic individuals are pathologically envious of the achievements of others. That is why they go out of their way to detract from your accomplishments. They may compare you to others (even if you surpass those people) to deflate your sense of pride in your achievements and diminish their perceived significance. Or they may claim that you were “lucky” in accomplishing your goals and attribute it to other traits you have (such as your appearance or assumed connections) even though they are well aware of your hard work and talent. This is a projection, as many narcissistic and psychopathic individuals exploit the labors of others, take advantage of any privileges they were born with, deceive, steal or leech off of others to get to where they are in the workplace and in society. As a result, they feel even more vindictive toward those who have achieved what they couldn’t organically without these privileges.

They may also try to sabotage the success of their partners and loved ones to derail their progress and destructively condition them to associate achievements with punishment. Here’s how…

Read more