Counter-manipulation is not about manipulating others for a personal agenda; it is about keeping yourself safe. It is about neutralizing toxic situations and practicing preemptive strategies before the aggression of covert narcissists begin to escalate. A covert, vulnerable narcissist may work more underhandedly than the outwardly grandiose one, retaliating and raging against their innocent targets in response to perceived slights in ways that fall under the radar. The intensity of their envy and need to sabotage may remain disguised. As a result, targets must prepare themselves. Here are ten effective strategies to do so.
Don’t share your traumas or insecurities. In fact, throw out a red herring to see if this person is truly safe ahead of time.
Narcissists and psychopaths will use your traumas and insecurities you disclose to them against you. Remember your “Miranda rights,” narcissist version. Anything you tell the narcissist can and will be used against you in a court of the narcissist’s distorted imagination and perception. Rather than telling a potential dating partner, friend, or business colleague anything they can use against you, throw out a red herring. If you sense a narcissist trying to poke and prod into your past to get ammunition, share a small insecurity or fear (can be real or false) and see if they use it against you as a covert put-down or as a way to detract from your self-esteem. Now you know exactly the type of person you’re dealing with. If you have any moral qualms about mispreresenting yourself, just remember that you wouldn’t reveal any information that could harm you or others to a kidnapper: why would you reveal it to someone who plans on taking you hostage emotionally? Moral absolutism will not protect or defend you against these types, as they are the ones who are already preemptively striking with the motive to manipulate you for their own gain.
Pretend you don’t know their true character.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing are much more likely to show their whiskers when they think they’re not being watched. Resist the urge to tell the narcissist that you know they’re a narcissist or call out their red flags directly especially when you’re just getting to know them. Instead, watch and observe them carefully. Pretend you’re falling for the schemes as you plan a safe exit. Take note of their behavioral patterns and make decisions to detach accordingly. They are much more likely to showcase their red flags when they think you’re fooled by them. By the time you escape, they won’t know what they did wrong and as a bonus, not knowing which tactics are obvious will ensure they continue with the very tactics that expose them more easily to other victims, helping to prevent more manipulation down the road.
Get what you need before they start withholding from you.
If you’re dealing with a narcissist in co-parenting situations, the workplace, school, or other situation where you can’t avoid them, it’s important to look at interactions with them through a cost-benefits lens. Is there anything you need from them? If so, try to get that first before they begin withholding from you. If you need your ex-spouse to take the kids for the weekend, you’ll likely need to hold off on confronting them about anything until they already have…