Written by psychopathology expert and researcher Shahida Arabi, MA
As a researcher who has corresponded with thousands of people who have been in relationships with psychopathic and narcissistic individuals, I have found that there are certain sadistic patterns of behavior common among narcissists and psychopaths who take pleasure in causing pain to their partners. Here are some red flag behaviors and hurt-and-rescue methods to watch out for:
1. They bait and set you up with information to react to – just so they can rage and engage in crazymaking arguments.
There are times narcissists and psychopaths will purposely give you provocative, triggering, or contradictory information in order to make you question them, exhaust yourself attempting to understand what they mean or constantly ask for further clarification. They will also frame your calm questions as an “interrogation” so they have an excuse to gaslight and condition you to walk on eggshells around them. This is a set up for them to talk in circles, manufacture chaos and rage, just so they can depict you as crazy.
Psychopathy expert Dr. Robert Hare calls this a form of “cold” manufactured rage – one that is not authentic but rather displayed in a shallow, short-lived way to control the victim and keep the victim in his or her “place,” issued in sporadic or unpredictable moments to keep them perpetually off-kilter. In reality, they wanted you to ask more about the unsettling information they offered so they could provoke you and blame you for reacting. This stems from their sadistic need for power and control, and thirst for manufacturing chaos.
Example
Let’s say narcissistic Bryan wants to set up his girlfriend, Rebecca, for rage and gaslighting. He mentions “casually” that a new coworker and him have begun talking. This is an attempt at jealousy induction for the purpose of power and control, which research shows is associated with both narcissistic and psychopathic traits. Rebecca remarks how wonderful that is and asks him calmly, “What did you guys talk about?” only to have Bryan suddenly manufacture a display of rage and claim that Rebecca is “insecure, jealous, crazy” and “interrogating” him.
When Rebecca reminds him gently that he is the one who mentioned the coworker and she was only asking politely, he continues to gaslight and stonewall her, claiming, “I can’t do this with you anymore! You’re so controlling and paranoid! You always want to know everything!” as he rushes out of the room and flees. To an outsider, the scene looks bizarre: Rebecca is calm, gentle, and is expressing polite interest. Bryan, on the other hand, is having a temper tantrum that seems to come out of nowhere.
What just happened here? This is a scenario of a narcissist manufacturing chaos on purpose and setting up the victim to react by laying out “bait” and seeing if the victim takes the bait. When the victim does react, the narcissist punishes the victim for doing exactly what he wanted her to do. Bryan isn’t really enraged – he’s putting on a manufactured display of cold rage to depict Rebecca in a certain light.
He knows very well the information he disclosed would cause her to ask a simple question he will later frame as an “interrogation.” This also conditions Rebecca to walk on eggshells and make her hesitant to approach them with questions or express her emotions in the future.
Bryan has effectively killed two birds with one stone: he’s gained power and control over Rebecca to make her feel and look insecure, and he’s also gained the leverage to engage in shady behavior in the future by instilling fear in Rebecca about holding him accountable. She now knows the “consequences” of confronting him about his behavior and knows she will be punished for it.
2. They manufacture chaos by frequently pushing your trigger buttons to exhaust and disorient you so you’re less able to fight back and seek their comfort as validation. This allows them more control over you.
Some narcissistic and psychopathic individuals sadistically enjoy toying with and deliberately causing pain to others. This gives them a grandiose sense of power and control and a smug sense of satisfaction that they have “one-upped” you with their perpetual cat-and-mouse games.
Researchers note that sadism is a key feature of malignant narcissism (narcissism with antisocial traits). Interestingly, other studies report that individuals high in narcissistic and psychopathic traits tend to experience positive emotions when they view sad faces. Neuroscience research also indicates that when psychopathic individuals imagine others enduring pain, there is increased activation in areas of the brain related to anticipation of reward and decreased activation in areas related to empathy. Psychologists have suggested that this may mean that psychopaths not only lack empathy for the pain of others, but that they also take sadistic pleasure in witnessing or even causing the pain and distress of others…