11 Covert Gaslighting Tactics Narcissists and Psychopaths Use (And Comebacks to Silence Them)
And comebacks you can use to silence them.
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Written by trauma and psychopathology researcher and expert, Shahida Arabi, MA
Copyright for this article begins as early as January 2023 as earlier versions of this article was published on other publications. Copyrighted by Shahida Arabi.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that distorts your perceptions and makes you question your reality. It invalidates your experiences, emotions, and thoughts. When used by abusive and narcissistic individuals, gaslighting can be an especially powerful tool to get a victim to comply to their demands and remain in the abuse cycle.
The best way to resist gaslighting is usually to ground yourself in your own reality and cut ties with a gaslighter so they no longer influence the way you view yourself and the world. You certainly do not have to explain yourself or defend yourself to a manipulator or continue communicating with them, as it can lead to further invalidation and emotional abuse when you do.
However, for those who feel the need to empower themselves and self-validate before immediately disengaging from the narcissist and ending crazymaking conversations, there are also options to shut down gaslighting right before ending conversations with narcissists. These optional “closing lines” can be used in situations where you feel the need to stand up for yourself before you disengage completely and feel safe enough to do so. You do not want to use these phrases to continue the conversation or continue engaging with the narcissist but use them only as closing statements before cutting ties. You can also use them internally to affirm in your own mind the reality of the situation even if you do not use them in conversations with narcissists.
A Safety Disclaimer
The responses to gaslighting below can help to empower yourself while ending conversations with gaslighters and narcissists if you desire to do so. Do not use these responses to gaslighting with narcissists in person especially with those who are physically abusive in any way or may escalate. It’s important that after using these phrases, you immediately cut contact – whether by blocking this person, hanging up the phone call, or making an excuse to leave the in-person encounter, if there is any.
Avoid using these responses in-person unless you need to and have a safe witness and rely on these more for text, phone, and e-mail conversations that can be more easily documented.
Keep in mind that these responses to gaslighting are not intended to change the narcissist or the narcissist’s behavior. They are meant to validate your experience and help you defend yourself. Whether told to the narcissist directly or affirmed only in your own mind, they are only meant to center yourself in the manipulation that is occurring and hold onto your truth before you exit the conversation. Always keep your safety and specific circumstances in mind and consult with a therapist or law enforcement official if you fear you may be stalked or harassed by a narcissist.
Gaslighting Phrase #1: You’re too sensitive.
Affirm or respond any of the following:
I am not oversensitive, you have a pattern of being insensitive and are defensive to being held accountable.
What I feel is a valid reaction to your outrageous behavior. I don’t have to defend or explain how I feel any further to you.
I am allowed to feel and express my emotions, and I am not going to argue about how I feel. Since you can’t accept my feelings, this conversation is over.
Gaslighting Phrase #2: You’re crazy.
Affirm or respond any of the following:
I am not crazy, I am discerning and you’re finding it difficult to manipulate me. There’s a difference.
Identifying a problem or bringing up a concern doesn’t make me unstable. Raging or calling me names when I do bring up a problem is unacceptable.
Not interested in your gaslighting or emotional invalidation.
I am not sure how you came to that conclusion, and I don’t have the time or energy to hear how you did.
Since you’re not willing to listen to those concerns without pathologizing me, we don’t need to discuss this further.
I don’t have to defend or explain myself to you. Since you can’t speak respectfully, we won’t be speaking at all.
Gaslighting Phrase #3: No one else has ever had this problem with me.
Affirm or respond…