Written by psychopathology researcher and expert, Shahida Arabi, MA
A researcher specializing in narcissism translates the eleven most common lies narcissistic partners tell in the modern dating world.
“I am looking for a serious relationship.”
Translation: “I am looking to sleep with you, but rather than going the easier route and finding a partner who also wants something casual, I’d rather find someone looking for a relationship who I can “conquer.” Did I mention my love language is physical touch? You are a conquest and a challenge, and I will do whatever it takes you to make you invest in me and attracted to me. It boosts my ego when I can sleep with a dating partner who is out of my league. It gives me a special thrill that I can con someone like you into liking me and my false mask because that means you’re finally showing interest in me, and I now hold all the power. After I’ve tricked and hooked you, I get to withdraw and withhold and watch you scramble for my attention. What fun! If we do ever end up in a committed relationship, rest assured I’d still continue to exploit you, just longer term.”
“You’re my soulmate. We’re so similar. I could really see a future with you.”
Translation: “You’re a great source of narcissistic supply, and I love being able to extract whatever energy, labor, and resources I need from you to benefit me. I really enjoy love bombing you and getting you to believe there’s a future for us. I feed off your adoration. As a chameleon, I’ll morph into whoever you want me to be and whatever I sense you deeply desire. You actually are my mirror image because I know how to mirror you – your every interest, belief, dream, goal, preference, need. I will become you so you trust me readily. Really, you’re just falling in love with a conglomeration of yourself and the identities I’ve stolen in the past, including the personalities of my exes.”
“I would never lie to you. I am such an honest and good person.”
Translation: “Moral grandstanding early on allows me to depict myself as everything I am not, and plausible deniability and gaslighting are key to managing your impression of me. In reality, if a person was honest by default, they wouldn’t even be defending themselves preemptively like this, when we aren’t even discussing the topic of honesty. I think more about looking honest and trustworthy than the average person because I know I cannot be trusted, that is why I am engaging in impression management, and I know I’ll soon be engaging in shady actions that make you doubt my character. So, I’ll need to prematurely establish and safeguard your image of me so that any evidence you see of my dubious morality is more readily dismissed, minimized, and rationalized.”
“I don’t believe in labels. Isn’t our love enough?”
Translation: “I am having fun stringing you along without a formal commitment, whether that be future-faking the promise of a relationship or marriage…