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A version of this article was first published on other paid-subscriber and paywalled websites in July 2023.
Written by psychopathology expert and researcher Shahida Arabi, MA
“Micro-betrayals” as I call them, or early violations are the seemingly “smaller” transgressions that act as the ominous harbingers of the greater betrayals to come. They can build up over time to become major red flags. As a researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy, I have heard from thousands of survivors who have experienced narcissistic partners about what makes these exploitative relationships so traumatic.
The good news about micro-betrayals is that they give us key insight early on about the character of the person who will only escalate in engaging in these violations in the future on a massive level. Catch them early enough to detach from this person, and you have the ability to save yourself time, energy, investment, and immense trauma.
Here are eleven of some of the most common micro-betrayals or violations narcissistic partners can subject their victims to that you should look out for, especially early on in the relationship or dating so you can protect and defend yourself early on from these exploitative relationships.
The “minor” gaslight with plausible deniability.
While there’s nothing minor about gaslighting, the first time it happens may evade your notice. The narcissist or psychopath might pretend they didn’t say something they actually did or make a comment that “teasingly” insults you or accuses you of something you didn’t do. When you call it out, they may hide their true motives by pretending they didn’t mean anything by it.
You may feel momentarily disoriented and confused, yet willing to believe them because they provide a rationale for their behavior. Yet this micro-betrayal is just one of many to come. By testing you with these “minor” cruel comments disguised as jokes or denials about reality, they are figuring out how far they can go to pull the wool over your eyes. That way, you’ll be “properly” desensitized to cruelty by the time they engage in more impactful gaslighting.
The micro-abandonment.
The narcissist usually throws out another kind of test in the beginning stages of the relationship. They’ll stage a “micro-abandonment.” This is when they may disappear during a time they’re usually available. They might even do this during an important period of time – like when you’re sick or when you’ve expressed you need to hear from them. You are shocked because you have not yet been devalued by the narcissist yet and are accustomed to their consistency. Whether it’s leaving you on read for an unusually long period of time or failing to be there for you after establishing constant contact and love-bombing, they’ll return with an excuse that you’ll be tempted to believe – if only because this is their “first” of the many more disappearances to come.
Slowly but surely backtracking on promises of the future while dangling the carrot of false hope.
In the beginning of your relationship with the narcissist, you were likely subjected to immense love-bombing and future-faking. They dropped hints of marriage, children, vacations, and a long-lasting love. Yet slowly but surely, they begin to backtrack on these promises and begin to manufacture problems instead. Rather than owning up to the fact that their fast-forwarding was part of their manipulation, they justify their behavior by claiming the very barriers that would not stop them before are insurmountable now.
For example, they may have declared that no distance could keep you apart from them, but suddenly for the first time you hear them complain about driving your way. Or they might have told you that you could work through anything but are now emphasizing key differences - whether real or manufactured.
The issue is they had all the same information they have now when they were first painting a future with you – they just knew they never intended to carry that future out…