11 Things You Should NEVER Do With A Narcissist (Harm Prevention Techniques)
If you suspect you're dating a narcissist, avoid these eleven actions.
A psychopathology researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy reveals the eleven actions you must never take if you suspect you’re dating a narcissist.
Written by Shahida Arabi, MA
1) Never travel with them or go on a promised “dream vacation.” Narcissists are notorious for abandoning their victims in foreign countries and making dream destinations a trip to hell. As a researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy, I have consistently heard from survivors who’ve been devalued during one of the most special times in their lives, such as their honeymoon or anniversary trips. Vacations may initially serve as a platform for love bombing, but they later disintegrate into sites to isolate and degrade the partner. Be wary of any partner who exhibits any of the red flags of narcissism, asking you to a romantic get-away – whether it be to Italy or California. They are looking for ways to get you alone so there aren’t any witnesses to their abusive behavior – whether that be grooming or verbal and psychological abuse.
2) Never spend holidays, special celebrations, or your birthday with the narcissist. Narcissists are infamous for sabotaging events that would make you happy and take the attention off of them. They destructively condition you to associate celebratory, joyful events with their punishment and rage, so you seek them out as your sole source of validation, and they gain greater control over you. Do not disclose when you are meeting an important deadline or have an interview. They will try to derail your progress and goals out of malicious envy.
3) Attend get-togethers with their friends or large groups (unless you do want to learn how they interact with these people as a way to identify any red flags). Narcissists use these activities to create love triangles and to flirt with others in front of you to get you to vie for their attention. This is known as jealousy induction. The trauma of this type of manipulation and the experiences of them flaunting other romantic prospects can be overwhelming, especially if you are just getting to know a dating partner. If you can, refuse invites to attend social gatherings with dating partners until you get a better sense of their character. Otherwise, attending social events will only cause more pain and a sense of alienation as the narcissist charms the crowd while devaluing you. It can also make you a target among their jealous enablers.
4) Do not attend activities that involve your family or the narcissist’s family early on. This is yet another prime site for pitting people against each other. In addition, narcissists can provoke you behind closed doors to make you appear unhinged or emotional to their family and friends while they play the calm, collected partner. Don’t give them the opportunity to depict you in this manner. If you do have to attend a family gathering of theirs for any reason, make sure you remain calm and only speak the facts. Leave early and arrange transportation beforehand if you have to.
5) Don’t attend couples counseling with them or tell them what you’re up to – especially if you plan to leave them. There are many reasons why couples counseling with a narcissist is sure to fail.