An Adapted Excerpt from Alchemy

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA

red heart shaped balloon on brown brick wall — Photo by Laura Gilchrist

The concept of “soulmates” has become quite popular over the years in new age and spiritual communities, evoking discussion from therapists, dating coaches, and spiritual leaders. It is a concept worth considering as it profoundly shapes the way we see ourselves and our relationships.

A critical review of these concepts helps us differentiate healthy relationships from toxic ones that include codependency, trauma bonding, and limerence (an unhealthy, often unrequited or unfulfilling infatuation).

Toxic love and limerence overlap in that the more “challenging” the potential partner seems to obtain, the more alluring that person may inevitably become to you.

Many people are not in love with their soulmates, but rather addicted to chaos and unpredictability.

Love activates reward centers of the brain, creating a euphoric dopamine high that is extremely difficult to detox from. In adversity-ridden relationships, dopamine tends to flow more readily in the brain when the rewards aren’t as predictable as in a toxic relationship.

This is why you may experience a deep withdrawal effect when the object of your affection is not around or when they’ve withdrawn from you. In limerence, often we aren’t obsessed with this person, but rather what they represent and mean to us.

The addiction to this other person is often heightened by the fantasy, not the reality, of who they are and the nature of the relationship. If you think you’re suffering from limerence or obsession, assess why you feel so drawn to this person and what they represent. Perhaps they represent a new beginning after a breakup or the fulfillment of deep unmet needs in childhood—a need to be deeply seen, understood, validated and chosen.

Often, manipulators prey on your unmet needs and desire for a partner, wearing a false mask to pretend to be your soulmate, morphing to your ideal mate to meet their agendas. So, what are the signs you’ve met your real match and not a narcissistic con artist—a person who is genuinely compatible with you, rather than a charlatan masquerading as “the one”?

3 Signs to Look For In A Soulmate

Remember: your true soulmate won’t be toxic. They will bring more peace, love, joy, and value to your life. A true soulmate will make you feel valued and chosen—consistently. Real love is not bondage, brutality, necessity, emotional unavailability, or scarcity in any form.

Real love is not enmeshment with someone unhealthy for you and the endless hope that they will change. Real love is not constant arguments, or over-explaining and overcommunicating to someone committed to misunderstanding you and using your vulnerabilities against you.

Real love won’t harm you and insist you tolerate unjustifiable harm in the name of love. Real love will bring you more peace—it won’t force you to survive a psychological battlefield.

SIGN #1: A Healthy Soulmate Will Cherish and Honor You

A healthy soulmate will cherish and honor you even if they challenge you. They will feel called to protect you from harm, not cause you harm. There’s a widespread myth that “soulmate” relationships are inherently tumultuous—that they have to be gnawingly painful to inspire true growth. In reality, soulmates are deeply attuned to one another and aligned with each other’s destinies.

They feel an irresistible magnetism toward each other, but it’s not because of addictive toxicity. Rather, it’s because of the enriching bond they both experience long-term. They feel ecstatically fueled and energized when they are together, and this is an ongoing and consistent connection, not a minefield of mind games.

Toxic Relationships Are Emotionally Turbulent

If you are with a toxic person, the relationship will be emotionally turbulent in a way that leaves you exhausted, not nourished. Many people confuse enduring this pain and mistreatment as a sign that they are fighting for a love worth fighting for rather than holding on too tightly to what will destroy them. You may experience a deep soulmate-like connection with a narcissistic partner, but the relationship rarely works out long-term no matter how hard you try.

In the beginning, you experience an instantaneous bond that feels larger than life and yet you’ll find yourself breaking up and making up constantly. You’ll have sizzling physical chemistry, yet the instability of the relationship will be chaotic and addictive. You’ll have intense, repetitive arguments that never seem to end.

Your self-esteem will be diminished. You find yourself depleted by the extreme highs and lows of the emotional rollercoaster of the relationship. This toxic partner manufactures arguments out of thin air, treats you with disrespect and contempt, neglects your needs, and makes you believe you’re asking for too much when you ask for what you deserve. They cling to doing the bare minimum when they could easily reciprocate your efforts if they wanted to.

SIGN #2: Deep Respect with Boundaries Long-Term

Around a healthy soulmate, you’ll feel assured of your own worthiness—not constantly questioning your worth. Their love will be spoken through their consistent actions and patterns long-term. They’ll consider you in major and minor decisions, be thoughtful about how you might feel, and go out of their way to try to spark joy in you.

Healthy partners want to benefit one another. They strive to find solutions, not create more problems. They honor each other’s boundaries while still considering each other’s needs and desires. When both partners have done their healing work, this will come naturally. They mirror each other’s personal growth, development, and infinite potential. They want to learn from each other and to make each other happy, and they also know how to be happy on their own without “consuming” or excessively controlling the other.

SIGN #3: A True Soulmate Supports Your Growth and Dreams

Your true soulmate or a supportive partner will cause you to grow in nourishing ways; your false soulmate will destroy you and cause you to self-destruct. While a true soulmate will feel like a safe haven, somewhere you can go for emotional shelter, a toxic partner will feel like an (albeit alluring) danger zone. With the latter, you’re perpetually walking on eggshells and biting your nails in anxiety, while with the former, you’re thrust into constructive self-examination and mutual growth.

While it’s common for a journey with a soulmate to be overwhelming as emotions are purged and traumas or insecurities are surfacing to be healed, a true soulmate will never purposely set out to hurt you…

READ MORE IN ALCHEMY: REWIRE YOUR BRAIN TO MANIFEST SUCCESS, ATTRACT LOVE, AND TURN ADVERSITY INTO TRIUMPH

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