4 Covert Ways Narcissists Violate Your Consent
How they deceive, manipulate, and coerce you into doing what they want and get you to invest in them under false pretenses.
Written by trauma and psychopathology researcher Shahida Arabi, MA
How do narcissists override your consent covertly, especially through coercion, deception, and manipulation? Here are some manipulation tactics to look out for. This can happen not just in dating and romantic relationships, but also in the workplace, professional networks, friendship circles, and familial relationships.
They get you to invest in them through the “sunk cost fallacy” and love bombing.
They love-bomb and future-fake with lavish false promises, a charming false mask, and grand gestures, getting you to imagine and invest your time and energy in a future that rarely comes to fruition. This appeals to the “sunk cost fallacy” — the more you invest in the relationship, the more you tend to cling to it despite all the betrayals and costs, because you want a return on your investment that is unlikely to arrive. This is the partner who tells you they can’t wait to be your spouse and raise children with you so they can run off with your savings; the employer who gets you to perform projects and unpaid labor for them under the false pretenses of a promotion while stealing your work and ideas; the friend who creates the fantasy of a long-awaited magical connection, only to start pursuing your boyfriend, or the family member who manufactures a close-knit bond just to get you to invest in their “booming” business and never repay any loans. They all have a hidden agenda and love-bombing you into believing the illusion of what they claim to desire from you, versus what they actually want helps to hide the discrepancies and causes you to rationalize the red flags.
They emotionally “groom” you.
They create an intense bond with you, gaining your trust to get your guard down to more effectively coerce and exploit you into investing in them and doing acts you normally wouldn’t. They develop an obsessive fixation on you, making you feel special and as if your relationship is “exclusive” in a way it isn’t with others. This will later turn into gaslighting others by claiming you are the “obsessed” one after they betray you. They surround your relationship with secrecy and mostly one-on-one interactions, so other people don’t see the dynamic they are building with you, especially if they are planning to sabotage, exploit, or steal from you or create connections with others behind your back to provoke jealousy. This makes it easier for them to turn others against you if you try to expose them, weaponizes opportunities for emotional blackmail, and creates a stronger trauma bond that makes it more difficult to detach.
They manufacture chaos on purpose and weaponize hurt-and-rescue tactics to harm you just to comfort you, so you become trauma-bonded to them.
A trauma bond is dependent on the brutal highs and lows, betrayals, a power imbalance, and the “seduction” a perpetrator uses to get you to trust them long enough to violate you. They may pour love and affection on you one minute, only to pull the rug from underneath you and devalue you, especially when you start questioning behaviors that don’t match with their words or align with their proclaimed character. By retaliating whenever you begin healthily observing their true motives, they train you not to use your discernment. That way, you face consequences whenever you speak out against them or try to uncover the truth about their actual intentions, ultimately discouraging you from holding them accountable before the abuse cycle escalates. You are also conditioned to seek their comfort and become reliant on them “fixing” or repairing the violating actions that keep you stuck in a loop of trying to resolve the initial betrayal; unfortunately, this keeps you tethered and trauma-bonded to their cycle of manipulation.
They make you dependent on them.
They may financially abuse you to cultivate financial dependency to more effectively control you and prevent you from leaving them as easily, so you put up with more of their violations than you normally would. They may withhold promised opportunities or rewards to get you to comply to their demands, causing you to sacrifice your standards, expectations, and preferences just to get the bare minimum. They can also degrade and belittle you, compare you to others to get you compete for them, flaunting giving opportunities they promised you to other people, or gaslighting you about the nature of your positive qualities and achievements, so you seek them out as a sole source of validation and approval.
Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is available in all major physical bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble and everywhere books are sold.
You can also purchase it directly from the publisher here or alternatively on Amazon here and all other retailers of your choice as well!
Editorial Reviews
“This book is a must-read for anyone wanting to understand why they became so unhealthily attached to a toxic person, and how to reclaim personal power and integrity.” —Dr. George Simon, PhD, author of the international best-seller, In Sheep’s Clothing, and Character Disturbance
“Shahida Arabi masterfully educates readers about the complex intersection of neuroscience and the intricacies of healing in the aftermath of psychological abuse. Written in a style that is digestible, informative, and packed with research, Shahida’s book will no doubt serve as an essential guide for survivors and helping professionals alike. Bravo, Shahida!” —Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker/psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, and author of Soul Vampires
“Shahida Arabi’s work has contributed mightily to our understanding of how to help victims identify, avoid, and escape from toxic narcissists and psychopaths. Her latest book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths, brilliantly outs the dynamics of such exploitive, destructive people. Her guidance on escaping from ensnaring narcissists is the most comprehensive I have ever read. Anyone who reads it will be aided greatly in avoiding or breaking trauma bonds.” —Pete Walker, LMFT, traumatologist, and best-selling author of Complex PTSD
“A transformational book for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it provides a killer combination of impeccable research, science, and case studies to reassure readers that what happened to them was no one-off or in any way their fault, and, additionally, that the distress they feel is not an ‘overreaction,’ but the measurable effect of trauma on their brains—which can, happily, be gradually reverted by doing the healing work Arabi outlines.” —Annie Kaszina, PhD, coach and author of Married to Mr. Nasty andThe Woman You Want to Be
“Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is a vital resource for survivors seeking to reclaim their mental and emotional well-being. Shahida’s insightful guidance empowers individuals to break free from the destructive cycles of manipulative relationships. With clarity and compassion, this book provides a road map for detaching from toxic bonds and rediscovering inner strength. A must-read for those ready to break free from the grips of trauma and reclaim their sense of self.” —Lisa A. Romano, life coach and award-winning author specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery
“Readers will find validation and clarity in Shahida Arabi’s science-based, research-backed analysis. They will also encounter a knowledgeable and compassionate guide who provides hope and the important steps to begin to support the self-awareness necessary to break through the disorientation and fragmentation that accompanies this kind of destructive relational dynamic, and ultimately return to wholeness.” —Gretchen Seitz, DAOM, LAc, owner of Seitz Acupuncture and Integrative Health