4 People Narcissists Fear (And How to Become One of Them)
Are you the type?
Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology expert and researcher
Remember: narcissists want to be with the person who sings kumbaya, shows them coddling compassion, and speaks healing prayers for them over a candlelit service – not the person who happily sent their ex to jail.
These are the four types of people most narcissists tend to stay away from, according to a researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy. Learn these four types to better protect yourself if you sense you are in the presence of a potentially toxic person. You can adapt these tips and tools to your specific circumstances, keeping your own safety in mind.
(1) Other narcissists like themselves.
Don’t worry – we’re not actually suggesting you become a narcissist or even embody the traits of one. But if you do put on more of a display that showcases that you will not be sympathetic to a narcissist’s pity ploys and do not have as much empathy for bullies or a great deal of emotion from the very beginning, narcissists will not see you as a good source of narcissistic supply (supply consists of sources of validation for the narcissist like ego strokes, praise, resources, attention, and sex). Narcissists and psychopaths look for traits like empathy, compassion, sentimentality, understanding, forgiveness, and resilience in the face of mistreatment in their partners. You have to “dial down” some of these traits early on when meeting people you suspect may be toxic if you want to avoid being caught on their radar.
Unless a narcissist or psychopath has a shared agenda they need another toxic personality to join them on (like masterminding a bank heist or collectively sabotaging and mobbing a talented co-worker), they do not usually want to spend too much time with other narcissists and psychopaths like themselves apart from garnering their enabling or praise. That’s because being in the company of unempathetic and callous people gives the narcissist little stimulation or emotion to feed on. The narcissist’s fellow narcissistic “friends” are more like cronies or groupies who do their bidding. But they are not people they really enjoy the company of (if you want a visual of this dynamic, think of Draco Malfoy and his henchmen, Crabbe and Goyle). They prefer the attention of their empathic victims.
(2) People they cannot control, who use their dark side strategically to set boundaries, and who are unpredictable.
Narcissists and psychopaths operate from a set of core beliefs about potential victims and about human nature in general. They believe that empathic human beings will react and act in predictable ways to their manipulation and that their own morality and empathy will prevent them from ever being anything but loyal to the narcissist. Once love-bombed, the victim is expected to invest in the relationship and follow through on their perceived obligations to the narcissist. If devalued, the victim will chase after the narcissist. If a victim’s jealousy is provoked, the victim will “compete” for the narcissist and will not betray the narcissist in turn. If gaslit, the victim will experience cognitive dissonance and rely on the narcissist. If stonewalled, the victim will try to regain the narcissist’s favor. If the narcissist cries crocodile tears, the victim will embrace the narcissist with forgiveness. However, narcissists cannot deal with unpredictable victims who do not follow these patterns and actively protect and defend themselves.
These are types of victims they cannot exploit long-term because these victims do not remain loyal, do not forgive, do not readily disclose their vulnerabilities to the narcissist and their reactions to the narcissist’s schemes do not work as expected.
These are the types of unpredictable victims who put their own ego above the narcissist’s needs or any fake imposed “morality” and strategically use their own dark side to detach from the narcissist and get ahead.
These are the types of unpredictable victims that withdraw their attention completely when the narcissist tries one of their manipulation tactics, and slow down love bombing, halting the narcissist’s cycle of abuse before it even begins. They are the first people to shun concepts of loyalty as soon as the narcissist betrays them. They are the types who document the narcissist’s behavior to bring legal consequences or who consult with the other victims of the narcissist to compare notes. They are the ones who collect information on the narcissist and discover who they really are to protect themselves before they get invested in the relationship or before the narcissist ever gathers information on them. They throw a wrench in the works of the narcissist’s schemes by adding an element of unpredictability the narcissist did not expect.
For example…