5 Reasons Couples Therapy Doesn't Work For People in Relationships with Narcissists or Psychopaths
The five major reasons you shouldn't be in couples counseling with your abuser.
Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology researcher and trauma expert
An early version of this article was first published on Psych Central in 2019. All rights remain with the original author, Shahida Arabi.
As a psychopathology researcher who has corresponded with thousands of people with narcissistic partners, I have been privy to countless horror stories of those who attended couples therapy with their abusive and narcissistic partners. There are multiple reasons why experts and institutions centered on domestic violence largely do not recommend couples therapy with your abuser. The power imbalance present in an abusive relationship can be counterproductive when entering spaces where both parties are expected to participate to “improve” the relationship.
There are five common ways couples therapy may potentially harm and retraumatize victims of manipulation and abuse, especially if the mental health professionals involved do not identify the red flags as readily or do not refer the victims to individualized therapeutic services instead.
1. Some couples therapists may attempt to address the victim’s behavioral responses to the abuse rather than the abuse itself.
A couples therapist can be encouraged to remain neutral to see “both sides” and “both perspectives” in the therapy room in order to avoid assigning blame to one party. In keeping up with this model, some may assign a form of assumed “equality” where both partners share responsibility for the nature and quality of their relationship, and take the problems presented at face value, while others may catch on more quickly that abuse is involved and refer the victim to individualized services.
However, an abusive relationship is simply not equal for both partners by any means, and issues occurring may be minimized by either the abuser or even the trauma-bonded victim, who may be blaming themselves or defending the abuser out of a need to survive or avoid retaliation. The narcissistic abuser has far more control and power over the victim, having spent months or years coercing, belittling, and gaslighting the victim into believing he or she is worthless, going crazy, and imagining things. They do have a disproportionate amount of power and control over their victims, and that power imbalance needs to be recognized, acknowledged, and not sugarcoated or denied. The abuser has far more responsibility than the victim in creating chaos in the relationship and is thus the one who should be held accountable for stopping their behavior. Couples therapy may ultimately not be appropriate for such circumstances.
Seeing both perspectives only places the victim at a further disadvantage as he or she feels even more invalidated, invisible, and forced to take responsibility for the abuser’s toxic behavior. In the Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy, clinicians Gurman, Lebow, and Snyder (2015) note:
“Such absolute neutrality may help to maintain a focus on the presenting problem and enhance treatment effectiveness. On the other hand, accepting information provided by the couple at face value risks ignoring potentially critical clinical information. For example, many couples present with communication problems, but experienced therapists know that such euphemisms can mask far more serious problems. If the therapist accepts the presenting problem at face value and makes no independent assessment, he or she might overlook serious but unvoiced problems, such as substance abuse, chemical dependency, and/or intimate partner violence.”
Shared responsibility may also compel some couples therapists to look at what the victim could be doing to “provoke” the abuser’s behavior or “better manage” the abuser’s actions. For example, the therapist may suggest that victims work on their “jealousy issues,” when the narcissist is purposely inducing jealousy or manufacturing love triangles as narcissists are prone to doing as a way to maintain power and control, or deceiving them, as research has shown.
Therapists who are not well-versed in the manipulation tactics of dark triad personalities may hyperfocus on the way a victim behaved in reaction to a verbally abusive incident, rather than addressing the abuse itself. They may coach victims to try to “better understand” the narcissist’s perspective, which likely is already the focal point of the relationship, leaving the victim feeling even more voiceless than when they entered therapy.
Guiding someone who is already empathic to be even more empathic towards an abuser who uses that empathy against you is often ineffective and places targets of narcissists and psychopaths in danger, placing the burden of change solely on the victim. Abusers are abusive regardless of what their victims do and actually exploit their victims even more when they are shown empathy; couples therapists must acknowledge this and recognize the signs of even more covert abusers in order to provide victims with the help and resources they need to exit, not stay, within the relationship.
As Licensed Family and Marriage therapist Albert J. Dytch, writes in his article on assessing partner abuse in therapy, “One error I encounter with troubling frequency is the failure of couples therapists to assess adequately for partner abuse. By partner abuse, I mean the use of force, intimidation, or manipulation, or the threat to use any of those methods to control, hurt, or frighten an intimate partner. Note that the definition can be met even if no physical violence is involved. Verbal and psychological tactics are more common; frequently, they are also more effective at controlling, hurting, or frightening another, and they can be more emotionally damaging in the long run. I have met with couples whose seasoned therapists, over the course of several years’ treatment, missed the extent and severity of the physical and emotional abuse taking place at home.”
2. Manipulative abusers will often put on a charming facade for the therapist, fooling them into thinking they are the true victims. Narcissists and psychopaths may use therapy as a site for further gaslighting or retaliating against their victims, if they even attend at all.
Couples therapy is designed to help both partners sort out problems in their relationship and to improve communication patterns. This design can be helpful when both partners are empathic, committed to improving, and open to feedback. However, when one person is highly narcissistic, unempathic, and is prone to narcissistic injury at any perceived slights or criticism, it is unrealistic and even potentially harmful to assume that abusive partners have the best interests of anyone but themselves in mind. The abuser is only committed to defending themselves; this means they will engage in the same tactics they do in the relationship in the therapy space to maintain the status quo of power and control. It’s not uncommon for abusive partners to blameshift, project, and minimize incidents of abuse in an effort to maintain their image as the innocent partner who is “put upon” by the complaints of the abused party.
Although some couples therapists who are experienced in manipulation and abuse will recognize the signs of abuse quickly, not all are equipped to discern the true nature of a narcissistic personality. I have heard many stories of couples therapists being easily charmed by the narcissistic partner into believing that the abuser is actually the victim. There have even been a few tales of couples therapists who engaged in an affair with the narcissistic partner – their client’s own spouse or partner! Of course, those cases probably involved a therapist who was already unethical, but regardless, there are many who may still miss the signs and cause harm unintentionally.
It’s important that couples therapists, law enforcement officials, and people in general be alert to the fact that an abuser can be quite charming and convincing, but that this does not mean the victim’s experiences of the abuse are invalid. It’s important to be on the lookout for types who seem overly charismatic, and yet who have partners who appear depleted, angry, anxious, and depressed; those who “say all the right things” and seem to be the “nicest people in the room” are often the ones who are capable of quite horrendous actions behind closed doors. The victims of charming and charismatic narcissists and psychopaths, of course, may appear less “charming” and “likable” in the therapy space because their energy has been drained by the abuser. After all, who do you think is more likely to be happy and upbeat in the therapy room – the victim, who has been terrorized relentlessly, or the abuser, who is benefiting from a perpetual power trip at home?
3. Therapists who aren’t aware of the manipulative tactics narcissists use or the complex dynamics of trauma bonding risk retraumatizing survivors.
All therapists should be well-aware and knowledgeable in not only the manipulative tactics narcissistic and psychopathic personalities use to undermine their victims, but also the trauma bonding which can result from such abuse – the deep, unhealthy attachment and loyalty victims can develop towards their abusers due to their experiences of betrayal, an attachment that develops in order to subconsciously cope with and survive the abuse, as part of the vicious cycle and power imbalance involved. Mental health professionals should understand the effects that tactics like love bombing, gaslighting, stonewalling, covert put-downs, isolation, and micromanaging have on victims over time. They should also be aware that victims who bring their abusers into therapy are often (at least partially) under the illusion that their abuser can change; they are holding onto a false hope that this is a “communication problem” that can be fixed. They are looking for a “cure,” a third party who can help them “fix” the narcissist.
If a couples therapist does recognize the abuse that is occurring, they often take the victim aside and tell them they should be in individual therapy to guarantee their own safety rather than to continue couples therapy. As licensed marriage and family therapist Albert Dytch also notes in his article about couples therapy and partner abuse, “We might be tempted to believe that clients bear some responsibility for staying silent on the issue (whether out of fear or outright denial), but the obligation to assess rests firmly on our shoulders. For example, an abused partner may feel unsafe bringing up abuse in the presence of the other because of likely retaliation, yet many therapists have a policy of never meeting separately with one member of a couple they are treating jointly.”
Couples therapists and all professionals working within law enforcement should be aware that the victim may minimize the abuse, defend the abuser’s actions, or find ways to rationalize staying in the relationship due to the trauma bond. That trauma bond does not mean the victim isn’t experiencing abuse, however, but that they are suffering from the traumatic aftermath and mental fog of what an abusive relationship creates.
4. There is a power imbalance in the relationship. So long as the abuser controls the victim outside of the therapy room, there is a threat of harm and retaliation for anything brought up in therapy sessions.
Couples therapy is all about transparency, mutual empathy, and understanding. It can be highly beneficial when both parties are fairly equal in the power they share and do not feel as afraid of retaliation when sharing their innermost feelings. In an abusive relationship, however, it’s very possible that therapy sessions could actually escalate the abuse outside of the therapy room. Victims may be punished emotionally, verbally, or even through physical violence, for things they disclose to the couples therapist. There is never any real freedom when you are in an abusive relationship – no matter how politely you address your issues with your abuser, you will inevitably be punished later on due to the narcissistic rage and entitlement the abuser exhibits.
That is why it is so important that couples therapists exercise mindfulness when they see signs of escalation within the therapy room; there are issues that narcissistic or psychopathic manipulators will often not want to acknowledge, and it will become clear in how agitated they become and how they attempt to shut down those conversations and blameshift. Manipulators with dark triad traits can also use gaslighting covertly to weaponize a victim’s perceived shortcomings, mistakes, or mental health conditions against them to minimize the abuse occurring. It’s important that instead of trying to force the abuser to communicate better or trusting that he or she will (some abusers will pretend to be accommodating but still abuse the victim at home), the victim is taken aside in a confidential manner to do safety planning if the therapist believes there may be any danger involved.
5. The further someone is on the narcissistic spectrum, the less likely they are to change.
Therapy is founded on the idea of beneficial change and the potential for this type of change, even if it does not occur right away. Whether it’s aiding a struggling relationship or helping an individual towards personal development, it is the progress of a client that attests to the strength of the therapy. Yet couples therapy ultimately cannot work when there is a victim all too willing to change themselves to somehow “stop” the abuse, and an abuser who plans to never make any real progress. Narcissists and psychopaths do not tend to fare well in therapy, and research suggests that many even become more manipulative in therapeutic settings as they learn to weaponize their newfound knowledge and “therapy speak” against their victims.
All professionals working with victims of violence, whether verbal, psychological, emotional, physical, financial abuse, must be aware that there are individuals who are so far on the narcissistic spectrum that they are unlikely to change within their lifetime, let alone within an intimate relationship. This has nothing to do with the victim and everything to do with the primary aggressor. Rather than placing the burden of the abuser’s actions onto the victims, it’s time that all professionals within the mental health and law enforcement fields identify the red flags of an abusive relationship and encourage victims of abuse to seek individualized resources and therapy, which can help them leave an abusive relationship safely, or at the very least, come to terms with the reality of the abuse and manipulation they’re experiencing.