6 Strategies from the Narcissist's Own Playbook To Break the Trauma Bond for Good
Adapt pages out of the narcissist's playbook to detox and heal? What does that even look like?
Unhealthy narcissistic behaviors cause harm to others. Undoubtedly none of us want to become narcissistic nor would we want to take on any of these traits. Yet there are certain behaviors narcissists engage in that we can actually observe and “learn from” and adapt differently in healthy ways in order to live better lives, detox from our intense attachment and trauma bond to them, and empower ourselves.
To be clear, the narcissist’s ways of life are extreme and maladaptive and not something to be followed the way narcissists use them. However, if you tend to be people-pleasing, overly forgiving, and overly compassionate toward those who harm you, there are six behaviors you can further look at, adapt, and implement in healthier ways to set better boundaries for yourself to improve and enhance the quality of your life.
Think of this as a thought exercise to pinpoint which unhealthy codependent patterns you may have. This is not about being toxic, cruel, or unempathic toward others: on the contrary, this is about being more compassionate and empathic toward yourself.
Narcissists and otherwise toxic people prioritize themselves. They don’t tolerate people who don’t benefit them.
When was the last time you put yourself first? Narcissists do it all the time. It’s all about their needs, their desires, and what they feel they deserve. Without being as selfish, unempathic, and self-absorbed as the narcissist, there are healthy ways to prioritize yourself too. You are just as important and worthy as anyone else. You are just as deserving of good things – in many cases, you are even more deserving of positive experiences than manipulators who use immoral means and harm others to achieve their agendas. You are the only person who can take care of you. If you’ve spent most of your life being selfless, overly empathic, and engaging in a great deal of emotional labor for others, it may just be time to visit the other end of the spectrum. Think about ways you can celebrate and pamper yourself. Evaluate your current friendships and relationships and consider both the benefits as well as the costs. Are there relationships that are draining you more than they are adding value to your life?
While you may not view relationships as transactionally like the narcissist does, you are encouraged to cut ties with toxic people who exploit you and build stronger connections with those who cheer you on and celebrate your strengths. You deserve respect and reciprocity in your relationships. Revisit the areas of your life where you feel neglected by others and give yourself extra nourishment and attention in these areas. Start to reserve some of your emotional energy for yourself and cut down on the labor you’re always performing for others. Instead, think about engaging in actions that benefit you and improve the quality of your life, self-esteem, and self-care.
They don’t wait for you to change or expect you to. In fact, they tend to pigeonhole you unfairly and act accordingly.
Narcissists don’t doubt themselves – they’re all about investing in their distorted reality which means emphasizing their distorted perception of you. They don’t hesitate to devalue you based on these inaccurate distortions and box you into labels that they use to justify mistreating you and to evade accountability for their actions and project their own shortcomings onto innocent people. They punish you based on these distortions and don’t expect you to “change” (not that you actually have anything you need to change – these are the narcissist’s malignant projections at work). Yet survivors often rationalize the legitimately cruel and callous behaviors of the narcissist and attempt to find a valid reason behind the narcissist’s abhorrent behaviors.
Instead of rationalizing, minimizing, or being overly forgiving toward these behaviors, why not label the narcissist accurately, who unlike you, actually has engaged in harmful behaviors, and stop waiting for them to change? Unlike the narcissist, your ability to discern their destructive patterns won’t be part of a distorted perception: it speaks to your ability to acknowledge reality without excusing it.
They explore their options.
Narcissists and otherwise toxic people explore their options in ways that are deceitful, unwarranted, and deliberately staged to provoke jealousy in others. However, while you won’t be taking those specific pages out of their toxic playbook, you can still learn from this willingness to explore other options to detach from them. Here’s how…