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An earlier, shorter version of this article first appeared on other paywalled and paid-subscriber websites in July 2023.
Written by psychopathology expert Shahida Arabi, MA
If you’ve ever had a manipulator claim their ex was crazy, had substance abuse issues, was controlling, obsessive, jealous, or was stalking them — be wary. While there are people who do legitimately have exes that do these things (usually these are the legitimate victims of narcissists who are being stalked by them), they often aren’t declaring it loudly on the first few dates unless they’re genuinely in the throes of trauma.
Narcissists and psychopaths, on the other hand, are prone to prematurely lying about their exes early on to smear them so that you don’t compare notes and are less likely to believe their exes if they try to expose them to you. They also mention exes or other people they’re pursuing to pit you against their other romantic prospects, past and present. If a manipulator begins smearing their ex early on when dating you, in most circumstances, they are trying to paint a specific image of themselves and detract from the credibility of people who are holding them accountable for their behavior.
Narcissistic and psychopathic individuals misuse common phrases to gaslight others. They will usually depict their exes in a distorted way, whether devaluing or re-idealizing their exes, to manipulate their new targets and often use their new targets to retraumatize their exes post break-up as well. They may praise or put down their ex to you depending on their specific agenda.
Here are seven common toxic things they may say about their ex-partners and what they really mean – the last few may surprise you.
They were crazy and obsessed with me. They just can’t let go.
Translation: They tried to escape the relationship with me multiple times, and when I finally lost control over them, I labeled them crazy to others so no one would believe anything they said about me. Even in cases where they were way out of my league and may not have been as interested in me initially, I love-bombed them with lots of attention and affection to get them hooked in the beginning, then began devaluing them in subtle ways, testing their boundaries persistently until I got the reactions I wanted. I gaslit them and deliberately tried to provoke jealousy. This was so I could maintain my power and control over them as they worked harder for my approval. I am obsessed with my past partners, and I am actually the one who stalks and continually provokes them after the end of the relationship. I check up on them frequently, in fact, and I come back into their lives just to make sure they never forget me. If they reach out to warn you about my manipulation, I’ll remind you that they’re obsessed with me and are not to be trusted.
They were so insecure and controlling.
Translation: I was the jealous and possessive one even in the early stages of the relationship. I checked up on my ex-partner 24/7 and made sure they were only focused on me during the love-bombing stage of the relationship. Then, I began to emotionally withhold from my ex-partner, deliberately trying to provoke jealousy in them constantly to make them feel off-kilter and suspicious – all so I could be the dominant one in the relationship. I constantly compared them to others or provoked them to do so, brought up other romantic prospects, lied about my whereabouts, or engaged in behavior on social media to try to get them to confront me. Even when their concerns were valid and a result of my manipulation, I gaslit them into believing otherwise and raged at them, setting them up for crazymaking arguments.
Even when I had no other options, I made sure to make them believe I did, especially if they were a very desirable person who had lots of options outside of me. That’s the only way I could get someone like that to be hyperfixated on me. I told them that every time they asked me a legitimate question about my shady behavior, they were interrogating me and needed to stop. So long as they believed they were the problem, I was free to do whatever I wanted without being held accountable for my actions.
They were raging alcoholics, addicts, or mentally ill!
Translation: I am actually the one who likely has addiction issues especially if I have psychopathic traits and am prone to high sensation-seeking and high levels of stimulation. In reality, I drove some of my ex-partners to drink or take drugs by emotionally destabilizing them. They may have turned to substances to cope with the trauma of the relationship, or I could have coerced them into reckless behaviors on purpose just to see them self-harm and self-destruct. If they did struggle with their mental health, I made sure to exacerbate those issues, purposely triggering and provoking them all while gaslighting them and playing “hurt and rescue”…