Are You In Limerence with a Narcissist? Or is it a Trauma Bond?
Excerpts from my 2018 copyrighted articles on limerence.
The following excerpt is from my in-depth copyrighted article on “Limerence” first published in 2018, which may help you better understand the obsessive type of preoccupation you experience with a toxic or narcissistic partner. The difference is, narcissistic partners tend to engage in excessive love bombing to get their targets hooked and attached to them in the first place, whereas limerence is more of a “fantasy” relationship created by addictive, emotionally unavailable infatuation and core unmet needs.
“Limerence is an obsessive and unrequited type of infatuation and fixation on another person, rooted in the biochemical nature of love, which is very much like a drug addiction. Although there is an overlap between the experience of love and limerence, limerence is different in that a person in limerence isn’t as concerned with caring for the other person so much as it is about securing that person’s affection. Limerence isn’t so much about commitment and intimacy as it is about obsession. A person in the state of limerence exaggerates the positive attributes of the object of his or her affection and downplays their flaws. A limerent person can suffer from such a hyperfocus on the other person that they begin to lose focus on their lives and revolve their entire day around interaction with this person.
Toxic love and limerence overlap in that the more "challenging" the potential partner seems to obtain, the more alluring that person may inevitably become to you. Love activates reward centers of the brain, creating a euphoric dopamine high that is extremely difficult to detox from, and in adversity-ridden relationships, dopamine tends to flow more readily in the brain when the rewards aren't as predictable such as in a toxic relationship. Dr. Helen Fisher discovered that the brains of people in love resemble the brains of cocaine addicts especially in chaotic relationships. This is why you may experience a deep withdrawal effect when the object of your affection is not around or when they've withdrawn from you.
Often we aren't obsessed with this person, but rather what they represent and mean to us.
It's important to note that in limerence, the addiction to this other person is often heightened by the fantasy, not the reality, of who they are and the nature of the relationship. If you think you're suffering from limerence or obsession, assess why you feel so drawn to this person and what they represent.Perhaps they represent a new beginning after a breakup or the fulfillment of deep unmet needs in childhood—a need to be deeply seen, understood, validated and chosen. Maybe they're an easier route to cope with our emotional unavailability than, say, actually dealing with the root of our emotional unavailability. Having a fantasy relationship, after all, is often times a lot more of an alluring prospect than having to deal with the struggles of modern dating or relationships. However, this becomes more difficult to discern when you are with a narcissist, who engages in deliberately manipulative behavior to get you hooked into the abuse cycle.
With a narcissist, you’re likely experiencing a trauma bond moreso than limerence—dysfunctional bonds created out of a need to survive a dangerous attachment and birthed out of betrayal, seduction, and a power imbalance.