Narcissists can be male or female, and so can toxic people in general; in past articles, I’ve written about female narcissists at length. This is a piece in my series of articles directed to women because they experience specific risks in the modern dating world, including escalated risks of violence, deception (specifically consent by deception), assault, and rampant misogyny.
Time and time again, I’ve been privy to thousands of modern dating horror stories from women, many of whom have already opted out of dating altogether. It’s becoming clear that some men in the modern dating pool may claim they want women to be a certain way - but frequently desire or act on the opposite of those claims. For example, some may claim they want women who cook, clean, and endlessly cater to their emotions - more of a laborer than an actual partner. They may claim they want a “good woman” who remains faithful and loyal throughout all transgressions. In reality, they become deeply obsessed with women who are unpredictable, unattainable, ruthless, and often out of their league, all while exploiting the same type of “good woman” they claim to want for resources, labor, and the reputation boost they receive from being seen with her.
What some of these men in the modern dating world want is not a compatible partner who they genuinely admire and are attracted to on a multifaceted level - on one hand, they desire novelty, excitement, and danger, which they often find in short-term encounters or affair partners, in keeping with the “Madonna-Whore” complex where they dichotomize women rather than taking in the full breadth of a woman’s personality. On the other hand, they may need a wife who does the majority of labor behind closed doors to keep up appearances.
That is why most women are unwittingly stuck in a game they never consented to playing in the modern dating world. The game of proving their usefulness, their desirability - all for a dating partner who usually cannot “see” or honor them fully, and easily become consumed by chasing women who make far less effort.
That’s because “effort” in the way women have been programmed and conditioned to believe is necessary in the modern dating world is often fruitless. In fact, it’s counterproductive and harmful. Cooking, cleaning, playing wifey, settling for low-effort dates to seem “low-maintenance” while self-sacrificing doesn’t change your dating partner’s agenda, which can be covert and hidden for months or even years.
True empowerment requires that women prioritize themselves the way many men in the modern dating world put themselves first.
In fact, doing otherwise tends to signal to the dating partners who are in constant pursuit of novelty that you are easy prey, and opens women up to be used. It also doesn’t allow women to fully flourish in an already unequal world. You can’t “effort” your way into making someone decent or kind - nor should you have to as a woman, considering you already take on the majority of risks and burdens in dating. The natural state where women flourish in modern dating is not effort - it is ease, strategic ruthlessness, energy conservation, and discernment with the goal of only allowing dating encounters that allow for far more benefits than costs.
There’s a reason why the same women who say they don’t want to “play games,” or “be mean” unfortunately become susceptible to exploitation. They talk at length about how they transparently shared their emotions, wore their hearts on their sleeves with vulnerability, and bent over backwards trying to show their dating partners they were “wife material,” only to end up in situationships (or humiliationships might be the more appropriate term), or worse, with a man who was nowhere husband material.
They’re in no way to blame for the social conditioning that made them vulnerable in the first place: but there are ways to combat this programming.
Modern dating is inevitably a game when you are attempting to date any oppressor who seeks a power play. You can’t escape it, even if you’re in the search for a well-meaning, authentic partner. That is why becoming well-versed in the game and self-defense tactics is essential to protecting yourself from its harmful tactics and the narcissistic people who use them…