Countering: Narcissists Play "Devil's Advocate" Using These 5 Destabilizing Tactics

Are you experiencing the manipulation tactic "countering"?

Photo: Vitaly Gariev

Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology expert

There is a manipulation tactic in romantic relationships so covert among narcissistic people that it is rarely spoken about. Here are some signs you may be encountering this manipulation method, according to a researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy.

Have you heard about the abusive method known as antagonistic countering? Countering is an abusive method where a toxic or narcissistic individual chronically opposes and expresses antagonism toward your thoughts, feelings, ideas, interests, opinions, perceptions, achievements, goals, progress, likes, dislikes, emotions, and experiences you express either excitement or concern about.

When narcissistic individuals use countering to manipulate you and play “devil’s advocate,” they do so not because they genuinely feel a certain way or strongly about any particular subject, but rather because they want you feeling perpetually off-kilter and on the defense, overexplaining and proving yourself. They want to deflate your joy or interest, no matter what the subject is.

They will also move the goal posts frequently, so their opinion changes based on what you feel and believe, just to antagonistically oppose you. This leaves you exhausted and drained on a daily basis, so that you are less able to fight back against ongoing abuse and manipulation, and less able to trust yourself. When you are conditioned by frequent countering in an abusive relationship, you feel unable to express yourself.

You are silenced, made to feel like you have to walk on eggshells just to have a right to exist, react, and respond genuinely to the world around you without this toxic individual nitpicking and hypercriticizing your perspectives. When you are conditioned by frequent countering in an abusive relationship, you feel unable to express yourself authentically. Essentially when narcissists use countering as an abuse tactic, they’re programming you to fight for permission to be yourself.

Here are five insidious signs you may be experiencing countering, discussed in-depth below.

1) You feel unsettled and disoriented around this person whenever you bring up happy news or an issue that matters to you.

Does the person you’re sharing good news with often respond with negging, minimizing remarks or covert put-downs that make you feel uncomfortable and deflated? According to research, both narcissistic and psychopathic traits are associated with “malicious envy.” This is the form of envy where the individual lashes out or sabotages the person they are envious of.

Whenever you share an achievement, a happy moment, or comment on something you enjoy, a toxic individual will usually try to “counter” it due to their own envy and insecurity. They may do this by dropping a fear-mongering or negative comment that emphasizes why you should not be enjoying your latest accomplishment or peaceful moment. Or they may introduce an unhealthy comparison or critical comment that deflates your joy that doesn’t make sense in context of what is being discussed or contradicts their own earlier beliefs or behaviors; that is how you know this is designed deliberately to anatagonize and oppose you.

Here’s an example of how that may look when you’re in a relationship with a countering narcissist.

Example: Jessica is enjoying some pasta and wine for a celebratory dinner with her friends. She’s just had a great day at work, has received a promotion, and wants to share this peaceful moment of happiness with her partner, Eric. She texts Eric about her day and asks how he is. Rather than being happy for her, Eric calls her and tells her that pasta is too heavy of a meal and tells her to “be careful” with the wine she’s drinking. He expresses an unenthusiastic congratulations at her promotion when she reminds him of the news, only to follow up with asking whether or not it’s truly worth celebrating and questioning whether her company will really be paying her more. Jessica feels unease, discomfort, and a sense of betrayal at such a disappointing response, especially since she remembers celebrating Eric’s own promotion a few months ago with fervor and throwing him a party.

Jessica is also confused about his hypercritical remarks about what she is eating and drinking, since she remembers that Eric ate three bowls of pasta recently at a friend’s party and is known to drink full bottles of champagne. When she confronts him on his double standards, Eric gaslights her and tells her she’s being “too sensitive.” She starts to realize that this is a recurring pattern of his: even if he has enjoyed the very things she brings up in the past, he makes it a point to go out of his way to ruin her good time when she’s the one enjoying them.

Narcissistic individuals do this so they can get you to associate your achievements and happy memories with their destructive feedback. This is a way to micromanage and control you, so that you rely on their validation, even when you’re creating happiness outside of them.

2) The toxic person always plays “devil’s advocate.” You feel like you have to overexplain yourself and justify why you feel or think the way you do, even when your experiences are completely valid.

While polite, respectful disagreement, constructive conflict, and occasional debate can be healthy in relationships, countering is quite different because the toxic individual will deliberately and frequently frame their perspective to oppose you, even if they expressed a different opinion of the same subject last week.

They will change the goal posts as soon as you agree with them, just to nitpick on something else…