Future Faking and Love Bombing: How Narcissists Erode Informed Consent
Written by researcher and trauma expert Shahida Arabi, MA
In my large-scale research study on the partners of narcissistic and psychopathic individuals published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, many of the participants reported experiencing the manipulation tactic known as love bombing.
Some participants experienced love bombing in the form of “future faking,” especially by fast-forwarding them into premature exclusivity, cohabitation, marriage, or even children early on in the relationship. This deep investment and manipulative deception and coercion usually occurred before victims had the chance to develop a better understanding of their partner’s character and make decisions based on their genuine best interest long-term.
Future faking and love bombing are done with the intent of achieving a specific agenda. Whether it be for sex, attention, a place to live, a loan, or just the thrill of momentary control, narcissists and psychopaths are experts at getting you to imagine a future with them that they fail to deliver just to get what they want in the present moment. They may get you to envision romantic dates, lavish vacations, gifts, a peaceful family life, marriage or children. This future faking and intense love bombing can happen within days, weeks or dragged out for months and years, and can happen in many different contexts, not just romantic relationships — but it always ends the same.
You begin investing in a dream only to have the rug pulled out from underneath you.
The reason love bombing and future faking works — both on unsuspecting victims and even on those who may already know about these tactics — is because it appeals to the human need to empathize with others and reciprocate what they give to us. In coercive relationships, it induces fear, obligation, and guilt.
When a manipulator gives their partner laser-focused attention, flattery, praise and affection, known as love bombing in the early stage of the relationship, it creates the illusion of investment that does not exist yet. In turn, the love bombed partner feels a sense of urgency to return that investment, almost to prove that they are just as much "in" the relationship as the love bomber.
As beautiful as such an inclination for reciprocity may be for healthier relationships, this unfortunately causes the victim being love bombed to put all their eggs in one basket and invest their resources in a manufactured connection and the false mask of a person who is faking their true compatibility with the victim.
Love bombing doesn't just affect the perception we have of the manipulator — it also guides our future actions to center them in our lives. This erodes informed consent.
Narcissists take away your consent in many contexts, whether romantic, sexual, platonic, in business, or friendships. They take away informed consent — by force, by coercion, by deception, future faking, manipulation, psychological abuse, and love bombing.
They misrepresent their true motives, knowing that if you did know the truth, you would choose differently.
By deliberately deceiving you, they erode your ability to consent with an accurate understanding of the ramifications of a "choice" they haven't given you in the first place.
So, what can people do to reclaim their power?
It’s important not just in dating scenarios but also in relationships that are platonic, familial, or professional that they withdraw or prevent premature investment altogether — whether that come in the form of resources, emotions, attention, energy, and assistance. If you suspect you are being love bombed, look with discernment at patterns and long-term behaviors, not just words of flattery or pity ploys. Develop a vigilance for tracking inconsistencies, discrepancies, and microaggressions that clue you into a person’s true motives rather than mistaking grand gestures or equating false charisma for character.
Do not let potential manipulators know your traumas, fears, or innermost desires in case they weaponize these against you in the future as a form of emotional blackmail or a pattern of antagonizing behavior. Do not tell them what you are looking for in case they decide to morph into the qualities you’ve listed or masquerade as your “soulmate.” Enforce boundaries after stating them plainly once rather than giving the benefit of the doubt to excuses or falling prey to rationalizations, justifications, or plausible deniability of guilt.
Don’t just talk about what you won’t stand for or overexplain yourself and your standards and boundaries to a toxic person — follow through with tangible consequences once a boundary is crossed. Exit unsafe situations early and often — and trust your intuition when a red flag arises. Protect yourself legally — whether that be with a divorce lawyer, a prenup, a contract, or documentation. Prioritize yourself and your safety over an envisioned shared future together — and remember what is at stake anytime you choose to invest in a future that may never come to fruition.
The only future worth investing in is the one that serves your best interest, the one where you are thriving with full awareness of the benefits and the consequences of the actions you take. From now on, invest in that future and invest in yourself rather than building someone else’s vision — your dreams, your desires, your goals, your happiness — and remember that you are the best investment you could ever make.
Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is available in all major physical bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble and everywhere books are sold.
You can also purchase it directly from the publisher here or alternatively on Amazon here or all other retailers of your choice as well!
Editorial Reviews
“This book is a must-read for anyone wanting to understand why they became so unhealthily attached to a toxic person, and how to reclaim personal power and integrity.” —George Simon, PhD, author of the international best-seller, In Sheep’s Clothing, and Character Disturbance
“Shahida Arabi masterfully educates readers about the complex intersection of neuroscience and the intricacies of healing in the aftermath of psychological abuse. Written in a style that is digestible, informative, and packed with research, Shahida’s book will no doubt serve as an essential guide for survivors and helping professionals alike. Bravo, Shahida!” —Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker/psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, and author of Soul Vampires
“Shahida Arabi’s work has contributed mightily to our understanding of how to help victims identify, avoid, and escape from toxic narcissists and psychopaths. Her latest book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths, brilliantly outs the dynamics of such exploitive, destructive people. Her guidance on escaping from ensnaring narcissists is the most comprehensive I have ever read. Anyone who reads it will be aided greatly in avoiding or breaking trauma bonds.” —Pete Walker, LMFT, traumatologist, and best-selling author of Complex PTSD
“A transformational book for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it provides a killer combination of impeccable research, science, and case studies to reassure readers that what happened to them was no one-off or in any way their fault, and, additionally, that the distress they feel is not an ‘overreaction,’ but the measurable effect of trauma on their brains—which can, happily, be gradually reverted by doing the healing work Arabi outlines.” —Annie Kaszina, PhD, coach and author of Married to Mr. Nasty and The Woman You Want to Be
“Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is a vital resource for survivors seeking to reclaim their mental and emotional well-being. Shahida’s insightful guidance empowers individuals to break free from the destructive cycles of manipulative relationships. With clarity and compassion, this book provides a road map for detaching from toxic bonds and rediscovering inner strength. A must-read for those ready to break free from the grips of trauma and reclaim their sense of self.” —Lisa A. Romano, life coach and award-winning author specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery
“Readers will find validation and clarity in Shahida Arabi’s science-based, research-backed analysis. They will also encounter a knowledgeable and compassionate guide who provides hope and the important steps to begin to support the self-awareness necessary to break through the disorientation and fragmentation that accompanies this kind of destructive relational dynamic, and ultimately return to wholeness.” —Gretchen Seitz, DAOM, LAc, owner of Seitz Acupuncture and Integrative Health