Written by psychopathology researcher and expert, Shahida Arabi, MA
The popular catchphrase “He’s just not that into you” has become a useful shorthand for people to communicate to women that a man simply may just not be interested in them. It can serve as an important wake-up call to women who may be wasting time overanalyzing a man’s intentions rather than identifying the red flags in his behavior and who are in need of detaching from emotionally unavailable people.
However, the usefulness of this phrase is limited when it comes to toxic and manipulative partners and is quite male-centered in its focus.
The intention of this phrase can be well-meaning – explicitly, it jolts women awake from pursuing a relationship that may be going nowhere or is riddled with red flags. Yet implicitly, what this phrase covertly communicates to partners who may have been manipulated by narcissists or psychopaths is an inaccurate depiction of their true experiences and borders on condescending.
That’s because narcissists and psychopaths can appear to be extremely “into you” in the love bombing phase of the romantic relationship, pursuing their victims with ardent longing, excessive attention, lavish dates, and persistent contact. They purposely get their romantic partners “addicted” to them and invested in them through a cycle of love bombing and withdrawal. They future fake with the intent of fulfilling a hidden agenda. According to research, they also have a habit of staying connected to their exes for access to sex and resources. They may reengage with past partners just when these partners have begun moving on, only to impede their progress, as part of a greater manipulation cycle.
Telling a victim of a narcissist or psychopath – whether male or female – that “they’re just not that into you,” oversimplifies the cycle of manipulation, idealization, and devaluation. “He’s just not that into you” presumes a fair and just world where all people act out of a desire for compatibility and positive qualities in a partner rather than a desire for power and control like narcissists and psychopaths have.
This phrase overemphasizes what is, in reality, the exploitative choices and decisions of a manipulator who deliberately uses initial extreme displays of desire to hook their victims. Rather than identifying the manipulation that is at play, this phrase implicitly places unwarranted value on the decisions of a manipulator whose choices ultimately don’t matter and whose decisions about their choice of partners hold very little merit.
The more appropriate platitude would be, “If he or she is a manipulative narcissist, their choices and actions are not even worthy of being talked about because they engage in a similar manipulative pattern with all their victims — especially the ones they are most threatened by and envious of. It’s not about who they’re into. It’s about the fact that they’re manipulative, lack empathy, and I deserve better.”
Being “chosen” by a low-quality, unempathic, exploitative, manipulative person is not an accomplishment or pursuit we should be condescendingly telling women, or anyone for that matter, to desire, value, or care about. Nor does a narcissist’s choice tell us much about authentic desire. We must also avoid implicitly equating any narcissist’s actions, whether male or female, to a victim’s worthiness or a narcissist’s supposed desire.
Narcissists and psychopaths do not “choose” partners for the same reasons as empathic people do. They choose partners based on the narcissistic supply – ego strokes, praise, attention, sex, and resources – they can extract from these people. They also regularly mistreat, exploit, abuse, and discard partners who are intelligent, attractive, kind, and empathic. For example, a partner who is sought after by too many suitors or is too independent may be too “threatening” to a narcissist to pursue, and they may opt for an easier target.
Narcissists habitually devalue people who are out of their league and have many positive qualities to gain power and control and to feel like they “won” or one-upped someone surpassing them. In fact, they can be pathologically envious of the attractive and accomplished victims they pursue, lashing out in malicious envy of those they feel inferior around, according to studies. The cycles of a toxic relationship with a narcissist almost always hold a promise of the future that never quite comes to fruition for every victim, regardless of all the positive qualities they bring to the table.
They are also obsessed with and ardently pursue those who reject them as a power play to punish these victims and regain control, rather than due to authentic desire. Their choice of who they pursue is usually about the arbitrary whims of what best props up their ego at the time.
The phrase, “He’s just not that into you” is also incredibly male-centered. Rarely do we ever hear people tell men, “She’s just not that into you,” yet male violence against women in response to rejection remains a significant problem, which should make this phrase just as applicable, if not moreso, to men as to women. Indiscriminate use of this phrase across all contexts toward women inadvertently centers what a man desires and values, placing a man’s arbitrary “choices” rather than what a woman deserves on the pedestal.
It doesn’t just severely underestimate how much narcissists and psychopaths (male or female) can exhibit an extreme desire for victims in the beginning stages of romantic relationships – it also gaslights victims into believing that they should care more about what a manipulative person thinks of them, rather than recognizing how a person who lacks empathy and chronically exploits others wouldn’t be a compatible, healthy partner for anyone. While this phrase can apply to “normal” interactions with empathic people, it can be oversimplifying and invalidating to partners of narcissistic and psychopathic people, or toxic partners in general.
Narcissists dangle the carrot of future-faking to keep their victims invested in their intermittent kindness. Their reasons and motives for who they pursue and when they stop pursuing are very different from what traditional dating advice tells us about compatibility, romance, and desire…