He's Not Avoidant, He's Narcissistic: 4 Red Flags to Watch Out For
Are you rationalizing his behaviors as "avoidant" when in reality, he's narcissistic? Here's how to tell.
“He or she just has an avoidant attachment style!” But do they really? We often dismiss more malignant narcissistic behaviors that have been normalized in our society as an “avoidant attachment style.”
Oftentimes, women especially are encouraged to cling to the idea of the man they’re dating as being “avoidant” and may attempt to rationalize or minimize toxicity or even narcissistic traits or behaviors as a result. The truth? In the context of a misogynistic society, we tend to overuse the term “avoidant” when it comes to perpetrators, especially male narcissists. In reality, the perpetrators that you label “avoidant” are simply manipulative, exploitative, misogynistic, or narcissistic. If so many people were that avoidant they wouldn’t even bother dating that many people to try to attach to in the first place with such frequency.
Remember: perpetrators are rarely too “avoidant” to sleep with their victims, love bomb them, future fake for an agenda, misrepresent their intentions, provoke you, or play hot and cold, only to return when they see you moving on with better partners or when they see you thriving and succeeding. They want power, leverage, and control over you. It takes a certain lack of empathy to continually harm that many people if you don't think you have the emotional capacity for a relationship yet. Continuing to do isn’t avoidance — it’s a deliberate choice to exploit others, and such a pattern stems from darker personality traits and usually ingrained misogynistic entitlement in the cases of males overlabeled as “avoidant.”
So how can you tell whether you’re dealing with an avoidantly attached man or woman and whether you’re dealing with a narcissist? And either way, how can you stop making excuses for toxic behaviors these types exhibit so you can move forward from unhealthy relationships?