How Narcissists “Steal” Personalities: The Dangers of Psychological Identity Theft
Photo by Vladimir Fedotov
Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, trauma expert and researcher
We’ve all heard the common saying that “imitation” is the highest form of flattery. Yet this is a denial, invalidation and dismissal of the exploitative and abusive nature of what I call psychological identity theft — an exploitative and manipulative method to extract and replicate the traits, characteristics, words, ideas, dreams, goals, life stories, fashion, interests, hobbies, lifestyle, and appearance of another individual to gain resources, popularity, clout, recognition, opportunities, ego boosts or the thrill of conning others for profit and pleasure.
Narcissists and psychopaths engage in psychological identity theft in numerous ways. At first, in the context of relationships or friendships during the love bombing stage, they may mirror your hobbies, interests, and personality to morph into your “soulmate.” However, they begin to attack and devalue the very traits they envy and covet in you.
They then begin to adopt the same traits, mannerisms, gestures, words, ideas, style, and achievements that make you unique in an effort to erode your sense of self and take credit for your organic gifts, positive qualities, and accomplishments. They try to “become” who you are even though they cannot truly embody your authentic self — they become distorted “copies,” echoing and parroting you from afar.
As a researcher, thousands of survivors of narcissistic and psychopathic partners, friends, family members, and coworkers have expressed to me that they feel abused and violated by this type of malignant mimicry. They have disclosed to me that they feel deeply violated by the psychological identity theft they’ve experienced by narcissistic and psychopathic individuals.
As survivors tell me, it can feel like getting “devoured” or even erased by the manipulative individual – a person who seems to follow your every move, mimicking and mirroring whatever they see to make themselves appear more interesting and palatable to other people around them while “wearing” your personality.
In these cases, such emotional abuse can also escalate into more dangerous forms of alienation, stalking, harassment, smear campaigns, intellectual property theft, and in extreme cases, assault and murder.
What Does Psychological Identity Theft Look Like?
Below, you will find examples of what this identity theft can look like across various contexts. These examples highlight common scenarios based on thousands of survivor accounts, but psychological identity theft can cover a wider variety of transgressions not included on this list.
Melissa began noticing that one of her co-workers, Brenda, would constantly bring up ideas she had disclosed to her during one-on-one conversations at staff meetings, taking credit for these ideas in front of others. Brenda had also adopted the way Melissa spoke, going so far as to frequently use the same gestures, tone, and word-for-word phrases as her. She began dressing like Melissa and even began expressing interest in topics she had never had any prior interest nor expertise in that she knew Melissa was genuinely passionate about. Melissa was thoroughly creeped out by this behavior, especially when Brenda plagiarized a copy of her proposal before another staff meeting and tried to pass it off as her own.
Linda felt disturbed by the attention-seeking antics of her next-door neighbor, Laura. Laura had seemed kind and pleasant in the beginning but was now infiltrating her life in invasive ways she did not feel comfortable with. She would regularly invite herself over to Linda’s house even when she wasn’t invited to play with Linda’s kids and even tried to flirt with Linda’s husband, going out of her way to perform favors for him that he never asked for. It was almost like she was trying to be a mother to Linda’s kids and her husband’s “new” wife. Linda noticed that Laura started wearing the same jewelry as her and even dyed her hair the same color as Linda’s platinum blonde hair.
At first, Linda thought these “interesting” new changes was just a coincidence. However, as time went by, she began to realize that Laura was not just stealing her sense of style, she was beginning to talk like Linda and even take on her personality traits, hobbies, and interests. She had been telling their other neighbors Linda’s stories of vacations and travels that she herself never went on, pretending these stories were her own. She even began imitating her career. Linda was a therapist and professor and suddenly Laura was acting like she was a mental health expert, even though she did not have a college degree let alone a career like Linda’s. She wanted to be Linda and take over her life.
Jennifer was disturbed to find out that her ex, Steven, had been going around repeating a traumatic life story from her childhood and using it as his own to garner sympathy from potential dating partners and friends.
When she spoke to his friends and family, they told her that not only had he been repeating this life story, he seemed to have taken on facets of Jennifer’s identity.
For example, Steven was suddenly pretending to be passionate about animal rights activism and jiu-jitsu, both passions Jennifer had that she had enthusiastically told Steven about during their relationship. Yet Steven never seemed all that interested in these passions until he could pass them off as his own and pretend to be more fascinating, athletic, and compassionate to the people he wanted to impress. He had even begun regurgitating the same jokes Jennifer had told him. Jennifer had also began going to school to become a veterinarian, a dream she had also disclosed to Steven about many times and Steven was now also pretending he was applying to veterinary school, telling his family about his newfound passion about becoming a vet.
Why Imitation Isn’t Flattery
This platitude of “imitation is flattery” is akin to telling the victim of a robbery, “You should be flattered they stole some of your hard-earned savings from you! They wanted what you have and now can pretend it is their own while benefiting from it! Now they’re off telling everyone that they worked hard for money they stole. Isn’t that a compliment?”
Let’s be clear: It is not flattering to have someone take on your personality, steal your words, labor, work, life stories, goals, dreams or sense of style to the extent narcissistic and psychopathic individuals do, especially when they are not giving you due credit or profiting off something they did not create.
Through psychological identity theft and erosion, manipulators and pathological con artists can try to siphon the same attention from people they would not otherwise get by “becoming” you.
In spiritual communities, they refer to this as attempted “destiny swapping,” but we can be more optimistic and say that your destiny can never be stolen. However, your sense of joy and fulfillment, as well as your mental health, can be temporarily disrupted when encountering such manipulative individuals.
They try to mimic talents and skills they do not possess, embody the energy that makes you unique and special, pursue the hobbies and interests that they have no genuine interest in and reap the benefits of a life they did not live and the labor or creativity they did not undertake. This is what makes identity theft such a disorienting and violating experience for so many.
How to Heal from Psychological Identity Theft
Survivors of this insidious manipulation tactic often have to take time and space to recover from this type of psychological violence and reclaim their identity and mental health after such an experience. They may also pursue legal avenues of justice to combat stalking, harassment, or intellectual property theft arising in these cases to gain compensation for what they have been subjected to. Building a strong support network is also essential.
If you’ve been the victim of psychological identity theft and erosion, it’s important to seek support from a trained professional who is well-versed in narcissistic manipulation tactics and empathic to your needs. You may need more specialized trauma therapies such as EMDR, DBT, or somatic therapies to process the traumatic intrusive memories that may have caused you to feel fragmented in your own identity after this experience and to reclaim your power in both your body and mind.
You must also reconnect to what makes you unique and special, and take the steps to reclaim ownership over what is rightfully yours. You are the one who deserves to reap the benefits of your life, skills, and personality – not a distorted copy.
Some enablers in society may gaslight you about this phenomenon, but it is important to resist this gaslighting.
Psychological identity theft isn’t normal nor should it be encouraged. It is a blatant violation of privacy and of one’s basic rights.
We should not be teaching people to chronically imitate others or behave like it is a compliment. Adopting the same hobbies, passions and interests in an attempt to seem fascinating to other people when you are not authentically interested in these pursuits is an insult to the person who is genuinely interested in them and has spent years of labor building expert knowledge and insight in these areas. Drawing general inspiration and diligently giving due credit to sources is one thing, plagiarizing and closely paraphrasing one’s unique expressions is another. Passing off the life stories of others as your own is downright exploitative and violating. Sharing mutual dreams organically is different from suddenly pursuing a dream you never had just to get “bragging” rights and one-up someone you’re envious of. You cannot covet what others have when you have not done the work or do not possess the natural qualities to be who they are.