While it’s true both men and women can be narcissists, women tend to experience specific risks in the dating world due to an increased risk of violence, misogyny, double standards, and the traps of hookup culture. Here’s how you can protect yourself from dating narcissists if you’re a woman who hopes to have a healthy relationship in the future.
Do not let the narcissist know you’re onto them. Instead, adjust your behavior toward detachment and withdrawal whenever you see red flags. Use actions and absence, rather than words, to enforce your standards.
It is tempting to call out narcissistic traits and behaviors in a dating partner. Yet most of the time, when we are just beginning to know someone, this will not help the situation and will only escalate manipulation. When you play the fool, you allow toxic people to unmask themselves more quickly than when you try to reason with a narcissist. For example, if you start pointing out the narcissist’s red flags right away, they get a notice that they need to be on their best behavior to win you over. As a result, they may start love bombing, charming, or gaslighting you to ensure you stay bonded to them. You can become tempted by their charm to give them second chances rather than look out for your own best interest. Calling out their behavior and holding them accountable can certainly empower you before you detach during some scenarios, but it can also leave room open for potential retaliation or verbal abuse. It is important to keep your safety in mind, especially with someone you don’t know yet.
Be attracted to how he treats you and invests in you long-term, not just how he looks on paper. Match energy and effort. Put attention elsewhere if you sense you’re being ignored or neglected.
It’s important for all people, but especially women who have been socialized to be people-pleasers, to have higher standards, boundaries, and expectations when it comes to dating. It’s vital to reserve your time, energy, attention, and affection for truly serious partners if your goal in dating is a healthy relationship. This is because, in hookup culture, women are more likely to be exploited or blindsided by men who are looking for sex but will portray themselves as looking for a relationship. That is why, above all else, you must look at how he treats you and how he invests in you through his actions, not just what he appears to offer.
A handsome, financially stable, and seemingly empathic man may seem perfect on paper. But the way he treats you is most important. He may be charming and popular with people in society, but is he empathic toward you long-term, or does he just play the role of a good person to whoever benefits him at the moment? Is he consistent with his romantic gestures, or does he love-bomb you only in the beginning and when he wants something? Is he successful yet always “too busy” to communicate? Does he have a generous provider mentality, which shows that he wants to genuinely impress and emotionally take care of the woman he loves, or is he stingy and unwilling to take you out on proper dates or give you consistent affection and attention? Remember, it’s not necessarily about money; it’s about his character. Even a high-value man with more limited financial means will find ways to romance you and impress the woman he truly loves, while a rich partner can still be stingy toward the people he loves. If you’re not feeling like your date wants to put in effort to make you feel special, he’s not truly serious.
Go into dating with the healthy fear and skepticism of becoming potentially committed to the wrong man so you’re geared to protect yourself, rather than the hope of finding “the one” right away so you’re incentivized to settle for less.
Men generally tend to decenter their dating lives. It is a “bonus,” not the entirety of their existence. Women, on the other hand, are socialized to center men and relationships from a very young age. In this case, it can actually be helpful to “date like a man” when it comes to how much you prioritize relationships. Women are taught that their ultimate goals in life are getting into a relationship (even if it’s a toxic one) and getting married at all costs. To effectively counter this habit and deprogram this harmful social programming, consider that one of the happiest demographics of women is single and childfree women, and that research indicates that women tend to experience greater psychological distress after the honeymoon period in marriage.
Think about ways in which relationships in general add stress in your life to curb this conditioning – it’s a far healthier and balanced way of viewing commitment and relationships to see both the pros and cons than being hyper-focused on the social status of being in a romantic relationship. Then, recognize the benefits of staying single and not settling until you meet a high-quality partner. Rather than rushing into toxic relationships with manipulators and marriage to give your life meaning, think about the ways your life is already meaningful and enriching, and brainstorm how to improve other aspects of your life; write down your goals for your career, finances, friendships, hobbies, interests, physical fitness, and self-care routine. Level up in these areas so that any potential dating partner must add value to your life in order to enter it. Take the pressure off getting into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship for the social status, and focus more on what kind of partner you want to actually have in your life. You can have fun dating without commitment – but even when you do date, make sure you’re vetting your dating partners thoroughly so you are not manipulated or exploited.
Be ruthless about your standards and have a strong cut-off game.
Rather than viewing dating as a one-track route to finding a husband, see it more as a playground where you set the “rules” for yourself. You determine your standards, expectations, and boundaries in the vetting process, and perform the cost-benefits analysis that will determine who is a worthy mate – someone who adds value to your life. Writing a list of qualities you desire in a partner, as well as your dealbreakers, can be helpful. Women are usually socially conditioned to feel they cannot have preferences like men do and focus solely on personality over physical attraction. Men generally are encouraged to go after what attracts them visually. Rather than necessarily emphasizing one or the other, it’s important to strike a balance and consider both what emotionally and physically attracts you in a partner. You are just as deserving of finding someone who meets all your needs. Do not “build up” your dating partner or try to change them – observe who they truly are and act accordingly. If they demonstrate red flags that irk you, cut them off. Men do it all the time with very little qualms – they will not usually tolerate a woman disrespecting them or may even cut someone off for not meeting their expectations and standards. You must do the same.
Identify how he treats women who are more successful than him, as well as women he cannot control.
Successful, high-achieving, and intelligent women have a built-in advantage when it comes to dating…