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Dark triad personalities target innocent people. Two spiritual platitudes dismantled by a psychopathology researcher.
Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, trauma expert and psychopathology researcher
You have probably come across this phrase in your healing journey. “Hurt people hurt people. Take the high road. Be the bigger person.”
Actually? Hurt people often don’t hurt innocent people; envious dark triad personalities do. Here’s why this platitude is inaccurate, according to research.
Hurting people is a choice and it is appropriate to hold offenders accountable by enforcing healthy consequences and strong boundaries. Those who accidentally hurt people on a rare occasion tend to make amends and change their behavior long-term.
People who repeat harmful behavior chronically and target innocent people they feel threatened by are doing it on purpose and do not necessarily have a background of trauma. Dark triad personalities are usually targeting people out of malicious envy, sabotaging others for pleasure or profit, or in retaliation in response to perceived slights.
Narcissistic traits tend to be bred by spoiling and overvaluing children to the point of entitlement according to longitudinal research. Primary psychopaths who have a biological predisposition toward callous-unemotional traits are less likely to have childhood trauma and trauma related symptoms according to studies.
Many who do have childhood trauma do not harm innocent people sadistically or out of malicious envy. If anything, they might react to the perpetrators who harmed them - not people who did nothing to them.
This bears repeating: people who don’t have narcissistic or psychopathic traits are more likely to react to the perpetrators that harmed them and not innocent people.
Being kind to unkind people can actually harm you. Hurt people don’t hurt people — toxic people do.
Be kind to unkind people? That’s another platitude that may actually harm you. When people treat you disrespectfully, don't double down on kindness and respect in return unless you need to in times of danger. You were already the bigger person when they chose to harm you. Take the road that most benefits, defends, and protects you and toxic people can stay behind.
No need to reward bad behavior: that just continues the cycle of enabling toxic people who go unchecked, feeling like they can do whatever they wish and they will never be reprimanded or punished for it — in fact, they learn to feel entitled to being rewarded for being cruel. It sets you up to be further taken advantage of, exploited, and harmed.
That doesn't help anyone in this world and certainly doesn't help their future innocent victims. At the very least, remain neutral rather than trying to give them kindness they do not deserve. At best, present consequences, enforce boundaries, and accountability when possible. Save your extra kindness and compassion for the people who can actually reciprocate.
Remember: hurt people don't hurt people — narcissistic and toxic people can chronically harm innocent people unprovoked out of envy, malice, and projection.
Hurt people often strive not to harm innocent people the way they have been harmed and take full accountability if they hurt others unintentionally. Their behavior matches their words long-term.
©️ 2025 Shahida Arabi, MA • Psychopathology Researcher