Written by psychopathology expert Shahida Arabi, MA
Most narcissists and psychopaths are “emotionally unavailable” in that they do not form authentic, healthy attachments to others and tend to have shallow emotions. However, not all emotionally unavailable people are narcissistic or psychopathic - if they are “just” emotionally unavailable and do not have dark triad traits, their behaviors and motives can be quite distinct depending on their level of emotional maturity, integrity, and moral value system.
Here’s how to know you’re dealing with an emotionally unavailable person who is not narcissistic, as opposed to a dark triad personality.
1. The narcissist or psychopath enters relationships with a specific agenda of exploitation.
The reasons narcissists get into relationships are different and far more sinister. Emotionally unavailable people who are not narcissistic can consist of a diverse group: some may be unavailable because of a recent break-up, past traumas, or because they are currently lacking in areas that would lead to healthy patterns in their relationships and intimacy.
Some non-narcissistic emotionally unavailable people subconsciously and unwittingly pursue partners who are also emotionally unavailable or have traits they know ultimately aren’t compatible so they can mitigate the risk of getting “too” attached or overestimate their ability to be in a relationship. Some emotionally unavailable people may be so afraid of getting hurt that they distance themselves from relationships or opt out of modern dating altogether. Others have subconscious patterns they’re not aware of that may unintentionally push others away, although they have the ability and willingness to work on these behaviors if they have the emotional maturity to do so.
However, whether they’re emotionally unavailable or not, they are still responsible for any toxic behaviors they engage in that harms others.
Narcissists and psychopaths generally have a deliberate pattern of purposely getting into a series of relationships to hurt and exploit others to gain power and control. They do not stop searching for partners regardless of whether they’re in a relationship and rarely take a break to “heal” from past relationships because they’re the ones doing the hurting and do not develop genuine attachments to anyone.
Narcissistic and psychopathic individuals enjoy excessively flattering, future-faking, love bombing, and later devaluing their targets. They experience a special euphoric “high” from the sense of superiority they feel by pulling the wool over people’s eyes and getting people who would otherwise not pursue them to chase them.
Those with narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies will pursue you even after they’ve harmed you to see whatever resources you can provide: whether it be sex, attention, praise, money, a place to live, or emotional nourishment.
Psychopaths especially get a significant dopamine hit from love bombing and conning targets due to the ways their dopamine system is wired differently to seek out high sensation-seeking and thrill-seeking behaviors…