Narcissists on Dating Apps: 8 Red Flag Messages You May Receive
What they message and what’s on their bio will tip you off.
Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, narcissism and psychopathology researcher
Time and time again, I am privy to the dating horror stories of thousands of women, especially on dating apps. While I don’t recommend using apps for the vast majority of women (especially since narcissistic and psychopathic people tend to gravitate toward them as a way to target multiple people at once), it’s still important to talk about the red flags they may run into if they still use apps.
Here are eight messages you may receive on dating apps that seem innocent at first, but actually hold more sinister implications in the era of modern romance and hookup culture.
What are you looking for?
At first glance, this phrase seems innocuous. After all, doesn’t everyone want to be transparent about what they’re looking for so no one gets led on? Women who ask this question may assume that men who ask them the same are doing so for the same reasons; unfortunately, that is usually not the case. When used specifically by emotionally unavailable men on dating apps, it is usually a way of gauging your interest in hooking up, with a few exceptions. When used by narcissists in general, this phrase can also be used to identify if you’re searching for a relationship so you are more susceptible to manipulation. Once they find out what you’re looking for, narcissists can manufacture the “soulmate effect.” The narcissist may mirror your hobbies and interests, your deepest desires and what you’re looking for in a partner to exploit you for whatever they need. They will create the ideal relationship based on your response only to later devalue you.
It’s fair to assume that most people on a dating app would be looking for dating, so the question is often unnecessary unless you’re looking for something else. Whether someone wants a long-term relationship with a specific person or not will usually become clearer further along the dating process. Some men who are looking for anything outside of these parameters are searching for something outside of what they know is the “default,” so they’re curious if you’d be open to a hookup or something casual instead. Yet instead of saying upfront what they are looking for, they will do something much more devious: they will ask you first in hopes that you are also looking for a hookup. If you say you are looking for a relationship, they will usually mirror your response and pretend they want a relationship too even though they are just looking for sex, or double down hoping they can coerce you into something more casual. Also be wary of potential dating partners who tell you they are “not looking for anything serious” or “going with the flow.” This is less of a subtle red flag and more of a glaring stop sign. If someone hints that they are not looking for anything serious even if you’ve established you’re here to date, you are not compatible and will only be settling for less.
Never let anyone know what you’re looking for right away unless it’s simply to reiterate that you are here to date. After all, you don’t know this person. You don’t know yet if you are looking for anything specifically with them. Instead, turn the question back on the person who asked and be mindful that some men will misrepresent what they are looking for. You can also go for a safer reply like, “I am here to go on dates to see if there’s a connection.”
I am not looking for any drama. No drama.
People who state on their profiles or messages that they are not looking for any drama tend to be the sources of drama. People who are emotionally stable and calm rarely need to announce that they do not need any drama in their lives. Those who declare they are avoiding “drama” are usually gaslighters who avoid constructive conversations and healthy accountability. These toxic types approach every discussion as a fight and perceive it as a challenge to their sense of entitlement rather than having the emotional maturity to handle it when someone is expressing their valid emotions. Ask yourself: why are they preemptively announcing that they’re not looking for drama? Is it because they manufacture chaos on purpose? Or have a lot of chaos in their lives as a result of not being able to handle a basic conversation without resorting to belittling others? Chances are, you’re the one who will be subjected to drama if you entertain them.
“I would never lie to you. My best quality is my empathy. Looking for someone loyal.”
Similarly, watch out for other preemptive, unprovoked defenses like, “I am trustworthy and would never lie to you,” or “I love empathy, I am so empathic” as this can be a red flag of a pathological liar who feels the need to establish their trustworthiness early on. Here’s why…