Photo Credit: Curated Lifestyle
Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology expert and researcher
Normal break-ups with empathic people can occur due to incompatibility and changing life circumstances, but narcissistic and psychopathic individuals break up for very different reasons and are never fully “done” with you, even after the break-up.
In fact, research indicates that narcissistic and psychopathic individuals are likely to remain in contact with their exes for continued access to resources and sex. The break-up is often orchestrated and embedded into the continuing cycle of abuse.
Here are three main reasons narcissists and psychopaths really break up with and discard a romantic partner.
1. They want to gaslight you into believing you were the problem all along and ensure they’re the ones who leave “first” as a power play.
It’s common for narcissists and psychopaths to use valid-sounding phrases to break up with their partners such as, “This isn’t going to work,” “I am done,” and “I just can’t do this anymore” to express their so-called dismay and disapproval of you during a break-up. However, unlike empathic partners who genuinely feel like they cannot be in a relationship anymore, narcissists misuse these phrases to gaslight you after a long period where they were the ones mistreating and manipulating you.
They were likely love-bombing you intermittently throughout the relationship, giving you false hope that they would change back into the sweet, loving person they portrayed themselves to be at the beginning of the relationship to keep you hooked. They may have even faked remorse and begged you for your forgiveness many times to prevent you from leaving them – this was just a power play so they could leave you first.
After all, if you had been able to leave them first due to their abuse, this would identify them as the problem, and you would feel validated in your decision. You would essentially “win” the break-up – this is how a narcissist or psychopath views such an ending as they see relationships not as partnerships but rather as chess games. If they are able to bring you back into the abuse cycle with false promises, however, they have an opportunity to depict you as the main culprit and make you believe that you were the problem all along, painting you with unsavory qualities and traits you do not possess but they do.
As they break up with you, it can feel abrupt, callous, cold, and emotionless. That is because unbeknownst to their partners, narcissists may have been planning the discard for longer than you might expect. A relationship with a narcissist is “planned” strategically to gain ultimate power over the victim and demean them.
There is no better opportunity for a narcissist to try to emotionally debilitate a partner than the break-up. However, that doesn’t mean they won’t return – as noted earlier, narcissists can return many times even after the ending of the relationship to ensure they still maintain power over you and possibly retain access to resources and sex.
They can no longer control you, so they need time to traumatize you and hunt for victims they can control.
Narcissists and psychopaths who aren’t quite ready for a full-fledged break-up but want to test the waters and violate your boundaries while pursuing others may ask for a temporary “break” instead. Don’t be fooled: this is simply a prelude to the manufactured break-up they plan to do later if one of their other targets they’re baiting bites.
It’s true that narcissists and psychopaths enjoy a challenge and can prey on very intelligent, successful, and assertive victims. They feel fulfilled and powerful knowing they can break down even the strongest of victims by identifying their vulnerabilities and using both their strengths and weaknesses against them. However, even narcissists and psychopaths have “limits.” If they feel they can no longer control you because you saw through their false mask, saw their true nature accurately, and are no longer under their spell, they know they will have to put in far more effort, time, energy, and investment to keep you around – something they’d rather avoid doing because they know an easier “shortcut” would be to terrorize you enough so you never forget them and inadvertently develop a traumatic bond with them instead.
When you are no longer willing to rationalize their abusive behavior, dismiss the red flags or minimize their transgressions, narcissists and psychopaths know that a temporary break-up will traumatize you sufficiently to keep you trauma bonded to them whenever they choose to come back again, yet leave them free to hunt for other more vulnerable targets that are more susceptible to their manipulation.
This is why you may receive an “I miss you” or “I’ve been thinking about you” text weeks or months after the break-up to reel you back in and emotionally catfish you into believing they’re still in love with you. Beware: They don’t miss you: they miss controlling you. They are likely looking for an opportunity to keep you thinking about them after the break-up and some may even try to pit you against another target to provoke jealousy in you post-breakup.
Narcissists are notorious for trying to provoke jealousy long after the relationship has ended, especially through social media. If you do choose to re-engage with them, rest assured that they will begin the manipulation all over again, with an even fierce intensity than the first time around. They enjoy punishing targets who they lost control of and also enjoy putting down targets they look at as “gullible” enough to take them back. If you have fallen into this trap, it’s important not to blame yourself, as the trauma bond can be both addictive and difficult to extricate yourself from.
They want to maintain significance in your life by leaving an intense emotional impact.
Some targets of narcissists do not fall for the narcissist’s charms as easily as they’d like them to. You may have resisted the narcissist’s manipulation by refusing to open up to the narcissist, “failing” to disclose your vulnerabilities to them or even identifying their manipulation tactics. Yet they know that any victim will feel somewhat unsettled by a breakup, even if it’s with someone they’ve deemed manipulative. The breakup is usually implemented as a way to maintain their significance in your life, even if you were not interested in pursuing anything long-term with them.
A breakup symbolizes loss and narcissists associate that kind of “rejection” with need, longing, and desire. That’s because when narcissists are rejected, they incur a narcissistic injury and often chase after those who rejected them in an effort to punish them and regain validation. Narcissists thus expect that if they break up with someone, others will chase them in turn because that is what they would do in the same situation.
That is why they expect you to pine for them after the breakup and orchestrate the breakup as a way to make themselves memorable to you. It momentarily positions them as “higher” than you on the totem pole as they break the news to you with an air of false superiority. This is a tactic they use frequently to demean those they perceive to be out of their league otherwise.
If you are experiencing a temporary “break” or a manufactured break-up with a narcissist, it’s vital that you take it as an opportunity to begin to detox and detach from your trauma bond with them, preferably with the help of a trauma-informed mental health professional — rather than falling prey to the deliberate manipulation they are weaponizing to keep you tethered to them.
Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is available in all major physical bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble and everywhere books are sold.
You can also purchase it directly from the publisher here or alternatively on Amazon here and all other retailers of your choice as well!
Editorial Reviews
“This book is a must-read for anyone wanting to understand why they became so unhealthily attached to a toxic person, and how to reclaim personal power and integrity.” —Dr. George Simon, PhD, author of the international best-seller, In Sheep’s Clothing, and Character Disturbance
“Shahida Arabi masterfully educates readers about the complex intersection of neuroscience and the intricacies of healing in the aftermath of psychological abuse. Written in a style that is digestible, informative, and packed with research, Shahida’s book will no doubt serve as an essential guide for survivors and helping professionals alike. Bravo, Shahida!” —Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker/psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, and author of Soul Vampires
“Shahida Arabi’s work has contributed mightily to our understanding of how to help victims identify, avoid, and escape from toxic narcissists and psychopaths. Her latest book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths, brilliantly outs the dynamics of such exploitive, destructive people. Her guidance on escaping from ensnaring narcissists is the most comprehensive I have ever read. Anyone who reads it will be aided greatly in avoiding or breaking trauma bonds.” —Pete Walker, LMFT, traumatologist, and best-selling author of Complex PTSD
“A transformational book for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it provides a killer combination of impeccable research, science, and case studies to reassure readers that what happened to them was no one-off or in any way their fault, and, additionally, that the distress they feel is not an ‘overreaction,’ but the measurable effect of trauma on their brains—which can, happily, be gradually reverted by doing the healing work Arabi outlines.” —Annie Kaszina, PhD, coach and author of Married to Mr. Nasty andThe Woman You Want to Be
“Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is a vital resource for survivors seeking to reclaim their mental and emotional well-being. Shahida’s insightful guidance empowers individuals to break free from the destructive cycles of manipulative relationships. With clarity and compassion, this book provides a road map for detaching from toxic bonds and rediscovering inner strength. A must-read for those ready to break free from the grips of trauma and reclaim their sense of self.” —Lisa A. Romano, life coach and award-winning author specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery
“Readers will find validation and clarity in Shahida Arabi’s science-based, research-backed analysis. They will also encounter a knowledgeable and compassionate guide who provides hope and the important steps to begin to support the self-awareness necessary to break through the disorientation and fragmentation that accompanies this kind of destructive relational dynamic, and ultimately return to wholeness.” —Gretchen Seitz, DAOM, LAc, owner of Seitz Acupuncture and Integrative Health