Written by psychopathology expert and researcher Shahida Arabi, MA
Did you know that there are 5 behaviors that are often automatically mistaken for narcissism in popular culture and society, but actually may not be, according to research? Identifying what narcissism is and what isn’t is key to better understanding our relationships, ourselves, and others.
Here are five behaviors you may have seen associated with narcissism that require more nuance and analysis in the context of research.
1. Standing up to abuse or defending yourself against abuse, or having valid reactions to chronic mistreatment.
Society is prone to mischaracterizing the reactions of victims to oppression and abuse and labeling these reactions “abuse.” This mischaracterization is especially common when victims of abuse begin reacting to more subtle signs of the prolonged abuse they’ve endured. For example, a victim who has been constantly ridiculed behind closed doors may appear to “overreact” to a more covert put-down from their abuser in public. However, while their reaction may appear disproportionate to outsiders, it is usually a legitimate response to being chronically poked, prodded, and provoked to react.
Narcissists also use certain phrases or coded dog-whistles that only the victim understands as abuse to degrade the victim in public without facing consequences from onlookers. This does not make the victim narcissistic: it makes the victim human – someone who has been grappling with the severe trauma and emotional rollercoaster of an abusive relationship.
2. Selfie-taking on its own without other narcissistic traits and behaviors.
Researchers discovered something interesting about selfie-taking: while it was significantly associated with narcissism scores in men, it was generally not associated with narcissism scores in women, contrary to what might be normally assumed. While excessive selfie-taking has been shown to be an indicator of more grandiose narcissistic traits and can point to the “vanity” aspect of narcissism, on its own it is not a concrete measure of narcissism since other studies have found that people who score low on narcissism can also take many selfies.
Therefore, selfie-taking behaviors must be considered along with the presence or absence of other more harmful narcissistic behaviors in order to determine whether someone is truly narcissistic. Ironically, a woman who takes a selfie can be less narcissistic than an envious narcissistic woman judging them viciously and contemptuously putting them down or spreading rumors as a result. That’s because harmful traits and behaviors that far surpass vanity such as malicious envy, relational aggression, a lack of empathy toward others, and exploitativeness are associated with narcissism according to research.
It is also important to take into account the contexts of these behaviors when considering whether they truly stem from narcissism. With the rise of social media, taking selfies has become a normalized part of our culture. People may take selfies to capture happy moments, celebrate a glow-up, connect with others, and rebuild their self-concept around their appearance, especially if they’ve been nitpicked or hypercriticized by narcissistic and envious bullies.
Being bullied or abused by a narcissistic partner can contribute to body dysmorphia. Victims of narcissistic partners may develop a preoccupation with their appearance as a result of this bullying, and selfie-taking may be one of the potential ways they restore a sense of self-confidence or represent an empowering milestone in their road back to self-confidence. Yet the myth that selfie-taking is automatically narcissistic can ironically cause these victims to be unfairly labeled or stigmatized, especially on their healing journey.
3. Exhibiting Healthy Pride.
Narcissists can be grandiose, cocky, and overly confident, exaggerating their accomplishments and demanding special treatment and praise from others even if they’ve climbed the corporate ladder using manipulation or leeched off the work of others to get ahead. However, this is drastically different from exhibiting healthy pride in accomplishments that you have earned or speaking matter-of-factly about your experiences, credentials, skill set, inner and outer positive qualities, and traits.
It is important not to assume that someone is narcissistic just because they appear to forego false humility and acknowledge their strengths. In fact, false humility may be weaponized by true narcissists to appear innocent and generous to the people they are manipulating…