Written by psychopathology researcher and expert, Shahida Arabi, MA
While it’s true both men and women can both be narcissists, women tend to experience specific risks in the dating world due to an increased risk of violence, misogyny, double standards, and the traps of hookup culture. Here’s how you can heighten your protection from dating narcissists, abusers, or users if you’re a woman who hopes to have a healthy relationship in the future.
Go into dating with the healthy fear and skepticism of becoming potentially committed to the wrong man so you’re geared to protect yourself, rather than the hope of finding “the one” right away so you’re incentivized to settle for less.
Men generally tend to decenter their dating lives. It is a “bonus,” not the entirety of their existence. Women, on the other hand, are socialized to center men and relationships from a very young age. In this case, it can actually be helpful to “date like a man” when it comes to how much you prioritize relationships. Women are taught that their ultimate goals in life is getting into a relationship (even if it’s a toxic one) and getting married at all costs. To effectively counter this habit and deprogram this harmful social programming, consider that one of the happiest demographics of women is single and childfree women, and that research indicates that women tend to experience greater psychological distress after the honeymoon period in marriage.
Think about ways in which relationships in general add stress in your life to curb this conditioning – it’s a far healthier and balanced way of viewing commitment and relationships to see both the pros and cons than being hyper-focused on the social status of being in a romantic relationship. Then, recognize the benefits of staying single and not settling until you meet a high-quality partner. Rather than rushing into toxic relationships with manipulators and marriage to give your life meaning, think about the ways your life is already meaningful and enriching, and brainstorm how to improve other aspects of your life; write down your goals for your career, finances, friendships, hobbies, interests, physical fitness, and self-care routine. Level up in these areas so that any potential dating partner must add value to your life in order to enter it. Take the pressure off getting into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship for the social status and focus more on what kind of partner you want to actually have in your life. You can have fun dating without commitment – but even when you do date, make sure you’re vetting your dating partners thoroughly so you are not manipulated or exploited.
Do not let the narcissist or toxic person know you’re onto them. Instead, adjust your behavior toward detachment and withdrawal whenever you see red flags. Use actions and absence, rather than words, to enforce your standards.
It is tempting to call out narcissistic traits and behaviors in a dating partner. Yet most of the time when we are just beginning to know someone, this will not help the situation and will only escalate manipulation when you do so with narcissists and psychopaths…