Written by psychopathology expert Shahida Arabi, MA
While it’s true both men and women can both be narcissists, women tend to experience specific risks in the dating world due to an increased risk of violence, misogyny, double standards, and the traps of hookup culture.
In 2023, I interviewed hundreds of women on why they had opted out of modern dating for an article. In doing so, I also gained additional insight and validation of the fact that too often society glamorizes the “girlfriend” experience without acknowledging that not only is modern dating a grueling experience for many women, the majority of women’s experiences as a “girlfriend” in modern dating are also dismal and horrific. The coveted relationship title does not dissolve the problems women face in modern dating — if anything, it escalates them into higher levels of harm and risk long-term.
The roles women are expected to inhabit, their social conditioning, and the rampant amount of misogyny and emotionally immature men in the modern dating pool make it unsettling and unsavory to play the role of “the girlfriend” or any kind of similar role for that matter without risking serious effects to women’s well-being and mental health as well as unpaid extraction of her labor without the promise of a steady future — often, it contains just enough future faking to meet a man’s agenda.
It’s time to honor the perks of not being a girlfriend or playing laborer for emotionally immature men, instead of prioritizing toxic relationships over your mental health.
The list below will help serve as a reminder as to why women shouldn’t chase after toxic relationships just for the sake of being in a relationship. Although it won’t apply to all situations, it is based on the experiences millions of women have on average in modern dating.
The perks of NOT being a girlfriend to emotionally immature men.
• You're not overexplaining yourself in long conversations, overexerting yourself, or wasting precious time and energy raising a grown man to be a decent human being. Empathic people naturally respect your boundaries and standards.
• You’re not loyal or committed to a man who has an insatiable thirst for external attention or validation outside of the relationship. You’re not auditioning to be “chosen” by a man who does not value your multifacetedness or see and honor your uniqueness.
• You aren’t performing unpaid domestic, emotional, or intimate labor for men looking to exploit you, or in extreme cases, someday murder or assault you.
• You don't worry about any man's actions or how they might affect your mental health on a daily basis. Your days are free to create joy and success without interruption.
• You're not boosting the ego, status, or reputation of a person who violates you, betrays you, or disrespects you. Your daily presence alone can benefit a man whereas his drains you. You're not benefiting a manipulative person at the expense of your own well-being.
• You are free to pursue options that are healthier for you. You can go out without worrying about anyone else and do what you like, least of all being considerate of someone who chooses to harm you.
• You're not checking up on what he's doing, being subjected to mind games, worrying about his social media, or being enviously attacked due to his insecurities.
• You're not provoked to "compete" and should never have to compete for anyone worthy of you. Jealousy induction is rampant among pickup artists, manipulators, narcissists, and psychopaths, and if you are using dating apps at any point on your journey, you’re left vulnerable to these tactics as these are a hunting ground for predatory people.
• Your worth is not assessed based on how “useful” you are to a man or being “chosen” by one person. You choose yourself and simply enjoy all the options out there if you choose. Your sense of desirability is not dependent on a single man. You can feel desirable in many ways and to many people without your confidence in dating experiencing highs and lows based on his singular actions.
• You have a consistent and general sense of peace and freedom.
— ©️ Shahida Arabi, 2026, “The Perks of NOT Being A Girlfriend to Emotionally Immature Men.”