“Reactive Abuse” Provoked By A Gaslighting Narcissist — Is it Self-Defense? Who’s the True Culprit?
Written by trauma researcher Shahida Arabi, MA
“Reactive abuse” is a term used to describe a victim’s reactions to prolonged manipulation, chronic abuse, and persistently antagonizing behavior from a primary aggressor. The primary aggressor or abuser is the original instigator and deliberately provokes the victim into reacting.
The abuser may then rewrite the story of what happened, distorting or omitting important details of the events leading up to the victim’s reactions, depicting the victim as the “true” abuser and gaslighting society about the extent of their own abusive actions.
They may even go so far as to stage a scene where they provoke the victim, then proceed to document or videotape the victim’s reactions to paint the victim of their chronic aggression as the true abuser and gaslight society about their own abusive actions.
While victims can also videotape their abusers, they will usually appear distressed when doing so. When abusers videotape their victims, they tend to appear unusually calm, exhibiting “duper’s delight” in “catching” the victim lose control. This is especially rampant among abusers with psychopathic and narcissistic traits, as they take sadistic pleasure in repeatedly provoking their targets, especially targets they envy or feel threatened by.
Who is the True Victim and Abuser?
What you have to remember is that usually the true victim is in fight or flight mode. Their amygdala is on high alert, their prefrontal cortex (the “rational” reasoning and decision-making part of the brain) is dampened, and they are trying to defend themselves. Their first thought is not to document the event but to survive (although some victims certainly will try to document it if they know it is legally necessary).
The abuser’s motives, however, are different. They want to humiliate and demean the victim. They want to convince others that the victim is unhinged, “crazy,” “losing it.” What better way to convince society that the victim is not credible than catching them the moment they finally react and lash out?
The best way to spot incidents of reactive abuse and an abuser gaslighting society? Look at the general pattern of the person who is calling the victim “crazy” closely. Are there other so-called “crazy” exes that claim that this person also abused them? Have there been other incidents where it was clear the perpetrator psychologically or physically harmed the victim who is now lashing out or reacting? Did the victim report the perpetrator being aggressive first whether to law enforcement or to friends and family members? Does the person display callous-unemotional traits whereas the victim they appear to be taunting seems overwhelmed, emotional, or numb and desensitized in a way that is indicative of learned helplessness? If so, those are your first red flags there is something amiss.
Unfortunately, victims who are trauma bonded to their abuser may still protect and defend the abuser or rationalize abusive incidents as a coping mechanism birthed out of their survival instincts. Keep in mind that the constant crazymaking, gaslighting, the trauma bond, and threat of retaliation means the victim is more hesitant in documenting or sharing the abuse occurring whereas the true abuser may seem quite enthusiastic about sharing how “unhinged” their victim is.
The true victim may also internalize the toxicity of the relationship as self-blame, overreach in taking accountability for their reactions to the abuse, not mentioning the abuser’s actions at all or justifying them. The cycle of abuse and the effects of trauma on the brain are rigged to silence the victim and unfortunately can end up supporting the abuser’s version of events but anyone well-versed in abuse dynamics will be able to spot that there is something amiss especially if other exes of the same perpetrator speak out. When the perpetrator has a pattern of abuse against other victims or the same victim, the truth tends to “peek out” no matter how subtly to those who are interested in uncovering it.
Are “Reactive” Actions Justified?
In many cases, what we call “reactive abuse” can also be considered justifiable self-defense. For example, if a victim pushes an abuser after many incidents of the abuser trying to hit them, that is self-defense. In others, they can be considered emotional responses that appear disproportionate until the entire pattern of provoking and abusive behavior is finally exposed. In another example, if a victim is being tormented by constant daily verbal and psychological abuse, they may finally lash out and taunt the abuser back in a verbally abusive outburst. If the true abuser catches this outburst on video, they can try to paint the victim as the abuser, omitting the hundreds of incidents where they demeaned the victim that preceded that event.
That’s not to say that all behaviors under the umbrella of “reactive” actions are justifiable. Some definitely aren’t (and some are even illegal).
In rarer, more extreme cases, reactions to abuse may border on dangerous and illegal. That is when the victim must seek out safety and resources to prevent harm to themselves, innocent parties, and others.
If innocent parties (for example, children) get caught in the crossfire of such an interaction and are not protected, the offending party whether the original perpetrator or the victim “reacting” must still be held accountable for their actions because it may cross over to child abuse and neglect. This includes subjecting your children to constant arguments without attempts at exiting or escalation and not taking the necessary steps to try to keep your children safe from the psychological or even bodily harm of witnessing or being subjected to daily emotional and physical abuse.
While the perpetrator remains the offender harming the victim, the victim is unfortunately the only one in the situation with enough empathy to care for innocent parties like children, friends, or family members caught in the crossfire. In those cases, the victim has to be careful for their reactions not to harm those who cannot defend themselves.
How to Combat A Gaslighter and Narcissist Provoking You
While it may seem impossible to keep your cool in situations of chronic provocation, it is often necessary to keep yourself safe. If you are being provoked — whether in person or through email, voicemails, social media, or smear campaigns, you can do the following.