The 6 Dating Manipulation Tactics Both Narcissists and Pick-Up Artists Use Against You
If you're a woman, watch out for these dating manipulation tactics.
There are six manipulation tactics that both narcissists and pick-up artists share in common. Here’s what to watch out for in the modern dating world.
Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology researcher
This article was loosely adapted and revised from my 2018 article on pick-up artist tactics, which appeared originally on Psych Central.
Negging.
Negging consists of backhanded comments intended to lower your perceived value so that you are more likely to seek a dating partner's approval or validation to "prove" your worth. Unfortunately, some studies indicate that lowering a person’s self-esteem can potentially make them more compliant and possibly more receptive to your romantic advances. The more you are aware of this tactic, the better prepared you are to resist this form of manipulation.
The Dread Game.
In the dread game, narcissists and pick-up artists manufacture chaos and uncertainty about the status of the relationship through subtle or indirect threats of abandonment and mentioning other love prospects to breed insecurity in you. Manipulators can also orchestrate fake break-ups to make you more attached to them and feel grateful for maintaining the relationship rather than focusing on how to detach from it.
Premature Intimacy.
Narcissists love bomb and future-fake their dating partners, fast-forwarding emotional and physical intimacy and deceptively coercing their targets into investing in them by promising commitment, lavish dates or vacations, marriage, children, or a shared future together. Pick-up artists specifically also use physical escalation to trespass boundaries and desensitize women to their touch to get them more comfortable with the idea of having sex with them - also known as “kino escalation” in pick-up artist communities. They also prolong dates (known as the “7 hour date” tactic) on purpose to create a sense of false intimacy in a fast-paced manner so they are more open to the idea of having sex early on.
Love Triangles and Jealousy Provocation.
Researchers call this jealousy induction. The general public knows it as manufacturing love triangles or romantic triangulation. This is the act of bringing in other romantic options into the dynamic of the relationship, whether by introducing them to you, talking excessively about them, interacting with them on social media, or developing close “friendships” with them that they gaslight you about. Beware of shady behavior on social media or an opposite-sex “friend” that seems too close. If the manipulator in question is particularly nefarious, they may even stage “surprise” or accidental “meetings” or run-ins with the other affair partners they are dealing with to provoke this jealousy in you.
The Bait and Switch and Compliance Test.
To test your submissiveness, manipulators will make suggestions early on or do a bait and switch to see if you comply and obey. For example, a manipulator may tell you that he loves women who cook to see if you offer to do so, or change the setting of a date at the last minute to see if you’ll accommodate him. He may even cancel dates to see if you work hard to reschedule, or abruptly withhold affection and attention, subjecting you to days of the silent treatment in an effort to see if you have other options and are willing to let him go, or will reach out desperately to check on him. This is to test how “obedient” you would be in a future relationship.
The Empathy Test.
Manipulators in dating will test your sympathy by staging pity ploys and sharing sob stories when first meeting you to see if you rush to comfort them. Some will claim their “crazy ex” is obsessed with them or broke their heart to garner your sympathy. Some may even cancel dates, claiming they’re “sick” to see if you offer to come over to see them to help them heal. Others will claim losses or tragedies that aren’t true in the hopes of getting physical intimacy or a second date. Remember that emotionally healthy partners aren’t staging pity ploys on the first date or trying to get you to play on-call therapist. Send them an invoice for billable hours and be on your way, preferably far, far away from the pick-up artists and players attempting to lure you in.