The Narcissistic Dog-Whistle: How Manipulators Provoke Your Reactions With Subtle Digs - Covert Abuse
Have you experienced dog-whistling?
Have you ever experienced abuse where only you were the one who knew it was abuse? You may have experienced “dog whistling,” a covert form of abuse that is intended to strategically disorient the victim while escaping accountability. A “dog whistle” is a distinct, high-pitched whistle that is audible to dogs but not to humans. Similarly, in politics, “dog whistling” is a term used to describe coded language or subtle signals that relay something seemingly innocuous to most people but has a specific, usually controversial underlying message. This message is directed at a subgroup of people to garner support from that specific group. In politics, dog whistling is often used when the message is too distasteful to explicitly communicate to the general population – therefore it is only “audible” or understandable to the targeted audience it is intended to influence.
In the context of abusive relationships, dog whistling can be used to target and terrorize the victim. Narcissistic and psychopathic individuals can use insidious and diverse forms of dog whistling to covertly manipulate and belittle their victims while escaping consequences, accountability and judgment from others. Narcissists and psychopaths can use abusive “dog whistles” in public to subtly degrade and threaten you in front of others, to compare you to others, or even use it in one-on-one conversations with you where the intention is to gaslight, taunt, mock and slander you should you try to call them out for their behavior.
Here are some common ways they may use “dog whistling” to covertly abuse you: 1) Degrading you in front of others to underhandedly humiliate you. 2) Dishing out covert threats. 3) Covertly abusing, retraumatizing and gaslighting you one-on-one by making references to your past traumas, wounds and triggers. 4) Making subtle degrading comparisons and inducing jealousy and 5) Provoking you through social media. Below, you will find in-depth explanations and examples of each tactic.
1. Dog whistling to degrade you in front of others and underhandedly humiliate you.
Narcissistic and psychopathic individuals derive a special kind of glee from being able to belittle you in front of an audience without being held responsible. In research, this form of sadistic glee in deceiving others is known as duping delight and it is associated with psychopathic traits. When a narcissist or psychopath uses dog whistling in front of others, they may do so by using a specific phrase or reference that unsettles you in public because you know its hidden meaning, whereas other people around you don’t. If you try to confront the narcissist about this abuse in public, they will be able to depict you as “unhinged” and “crazy” because such a reference looks innocent and well-meaning to others. This gives them pleasure in being able to get away with abusing you without consequences.
For example, a wife who frequently receives hypercritical, abusive, and controlling comments about her weight from her husband at home may receive a “coded message” or dog whistle from her husband at a dinner party. In front of other guests, her husband may “jokingly” and “playfully” comment on how much she enjoys cake, while allowing for laughter at her expense. Although this may seem like an innocent joke to outsiders, the wife experiences this comment as a continuation of his abuse at home, and she is also able to readily identify the smug, contemptuous glance her husband gives her when he says it. Only she understands the “dog whistle.” However, if she calls this abuse out in front of other guests, she will be labeled as “oversensitive” by her husband, who will likely don a shocked display of faux innocence to convince others around him that he is being falsely accused – and to depict his wife as “crazy.”
2) Dog whistling to dish out covert threats.
Covert degradation and dog whistling can also come in the form of threats and foreshadowing of abuse to come. The dog whistle in these scenarios work to condition the victim’s behavior and train them to walk on eggshells around the abuser. For example, a narcissistic father who abuses his children may mention a triggering topic for his children at a family event. Perhaps he “lovingly” tells his son that his hair is messy in a seemingly concerned voice in front of other family members, raising alarm bells for the son who has recently been hit by his father for not brushing his hair correctly. The son is then compelled to fix his unkempt hair anxiously in an effort to avoid punishment. Or, an abused wife is having dinner with her husband and their friends when her husband remarks on a recent news story about a wife who was murdered trying to leave her husband. He may fake a distressed tone when relaying this story yet give a suggestive glance at his horrified wife as he tells it. This is a dog whistling threat to keep her silent and compliant, in case she’s getting any ideas of leaving him. The dog whistle message is clear to the victim and disguised to the public: obey me or face the consequences.
3) Dog whistling to covertly abuse, gaslight and retraumatize you one-on-one by using references to your triggers, wounds, insecurities and past traumas.
In a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath, dog whistling doesn’t always have to take place immediately in front of others. Manipulators can also use coded language to get you to react to their chronic abuse behind closed doors – only to later use your reactions against you, both within the relationship as well as in smear campaigns to others.
For example, if a narcissist or psychopath knows you are sensitive about certain topics or get triggered by specific subjects, they will deliberately go out of their way to subtly reference those topics to wound, trigger and retraumatize you…