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Written by psychopathology expert Shahida Arabi, MA
A shorter version of this article was first published on other paywalled and paid-subscriber only publications and websites as early as October 2023.
If you’ve ever read the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene, you’ve probably wondered whether narcissists use these laws to manipulate others. While they likely do abuse these laws to their advantage, there are also other specific “laws” and principles at work in their behavior that need to be revealed so people can be aware of them and better protect and defend themselves.
Here are the twelve specific and additional “laws” narcissists and psychopaths are prone to using in relationships to exploit and deceive you. This article will help you identify manipulation tactics narcissists use and is not meant to be used to manipulate others unless you want to adapt these to counter-manipulate a toxic person you can’t otherwise avoid to keep yourself safe.
Law #1: Do as I say, not as I do.
When a narcissist claims they would never lie to you without any reason to say this so early on in dating, or prematurely share that they admire people who are empathic and honest, they are engaging in impression management. People who are honest, trustworthy, and loyal rarely need to announce these qualities: they embody these behaviors by default. That’s why you must recognize that this is a premature set up for gaslighting and hypocrisy: whatever moral standards the narcissist pretends to hold, assume they actually exhibit the opposite in real life practice - but they will expect you to still follow the same “standards” of virtue and morality they do not.
The narcissist doesn’t criticize you because they exercise lofty moral standards themselves; they do so to keep you under their control, walking on eggshells, and mired in self-doubt so they don’t lose you to a better partner or a better life away from them. That’s why they will display astounding hypocrisy when they tell you what to do – all while engaging in opposite behaviors themselves. They may speak highly of loyalty and monogamy one minute, only to pursue other romantic options in the same breath; that’s because they expect and demand your loyalty, your monogamy, and your devotion to them - but would rarely follow the same principle. If you notice a toxic individual micromanaging and policing what you do, but never believing the same rules apply to them, run. You are in an exploitative relationship.
Law #2: Whoever cares least is the most powerful. Distance yourself and retreat shortly after love bombing.
The narcissist acts on the morally warped principle that the more interest you show in a person, the less they will desire you. The more you confuse and disorient a person and behave hot and cold, the more they will become addicted to winning your approval. That is why they try to weaponize their absence, silent treatments, and stonewalling mixed in with periods of affection and attention to keep their partners “in line” and always obedient to them.
Law #3: Competition makes you seem more desirable. Lure your targets in by mentioning other love interests or past partners frequently to keep them alert and focused on you, and not the manipulation, the manipulator’s actual merit, or your standards, preferences, and boundaries.
Robert Greene actually mentions a similar principle in his book The Art of Seduction. Researchers call it jealousy induction and supports the idea that narcissists deliberately provoke jealousy on purpose to maintain power and control and to test the relationship. For years before studies came out on this phenomenon, it was and continues to be known colloquially as romantic “triangulation.”
Narcissists and psychopaths know that jealousy can be a primal reaction to the possibility of losing their partner to someone else, even if you’re not necessarily that interested in the narcissist in the beginning, and especially if they’ve love bombed and coerced you into investing in them - evoking what economists call “the sunk cost fallacy” as people don’t want to incur losses on what they’ve invested in - they want the rewards of that investment, and manufacturing a fabricated love triangulate, with competitiors that may or may not even exist (narcissists are prone to exaggerating their options, especially around romantic prospects they know have many genuine options), helps to evoke such a survival response. Once such an “aura of desirability” as Robert Greene calls it, is established by the manipulator, you are mobilized to compete for and vie for their attention – unless you choose not to play the love triangle game at all and leave instead.
Law #4: Never tell the whole truth, let others tell you theirs to identify potential vulnerabilities to exploit. Then, use their oversharing against them.
The narcissist fabricates stories of their past to make themselves look like the victim. They hide their true intentions for pursuing you to match and mirror what they think you deeply desire – your dreams, goals, desires, and even personality to sway you into falling in love with them. These lies distort reality and the nature of their true character, allowing you to become infatuated with their mask, rather than their true self. However, as they conceal the truth, they convince and coerce you to disclose personal traumas, insecurities, and fears that they will later use against you in the relationship.
Law #5: Break-ups are a display of power, not permanent. You must always be a presence in someone’s life regardless of the status of the relationship.
Narcissistic and psychopathic partners wield power through “orchestrated break-ups.” This is how they make sure they keep you fixated on them and the relationship. Such fake break-ups are manufactured not because the narcissist authentically wants to detach from you but rather as a twisted display of power, as they always come crawling back to ensnare you into the toxic cycle once more.
Research indicates that psychopaths and narcissists tend to stay connected to their exes for two primary reasons…