The Narcissist’s Love Triangles: Why and How They Try to Make You Jealous and How to Heal
Written by Trauma Researcher Shahida Arabi, MA
Photo by Vitaly Gariev
It’s often been said that you should be wary of your date being rude to the waiter, but what about a date who flirts constantly with the waitress?
Narcissists enjoy creating love triangles on purpose and deliberately provoking jealousy in their partners—thousands of partners of narcissistic and psychopathic individuals have shared their experiences dissecting this phenomenon of narcissists creating perverse love triangles while exhibiting duping delight and interest in assessing their partner’s reactions to these attempts.
There is an insatiable sense of attention-seeking that a narcissistic person exhibits as he or she tries to gain “supply” (e.g. attention, praise, admiration, sex, status, etc.) from anyone and everyone they meet.
This method is often used to create love triangles among the people that the narcissistic abuser depends on for his or her daily “fix” of attention. It is one of the most insidious, harmful tools narcissists use to manipulate their former partners, their current partners, their “groupies,” as well as their new targets.
Narcissists enjoy using jealousy provocation as a mind game that gives them control over multiple people simultaneously, pitting them against each other in an endless competition. It confirms to them their own grandiosity – after all, aren’t they superior if they have all these people competing for their approval and validation? They certainly think so.
Informally, this behavior of constantly bringing another person or people into the dynamic of the relationship has been referred to as romantic triangulation. In the research literature, it is known as jealousy induction.
What Does Jealousy Provocation or Induction Look Like?
Jealousy induction or provocation can take many forms. Narcissistic and psychopathic partners may engage in explicit or implicit comparisons designed to get their partners to compete for their attention or work harder for their approval (e.g. “My ex was never insecure like you.”) They may mention past or current love interests (“Did I tell you about that new coworker I went to lunch with? He’s so fun!)” or hint at their own deception or affairs, presenting “rivals” in hopes that their partner demonstrates insecurity or evidence of heightened interest in the narcissist as a result (“I am going out with my “friend” Nancy tonight. Don’t wait up!”). They may even take their partners to places where they know they will run into their affair partners just for the sadistic pleasure of witnessing them interacting — for example, taking their current wife to their mistress’s place of work is a common tale I hear from survivors.
Technology has also made it possible for jealousy induction to occur rampantly in the digital landscape, as narcissists and psychopaths can now provoke jealousy in their partners on social media through “likes” and “follows” designed to destabilize and gaslight their partners into feeling simultaneously insecure and “crazy.”
There is also now a wealth of research that supports and documents this behavior in narcissistic individuals and points to the surprising motives behind what is called “jealousy induction” in the research literature. In my 2022 study published in the journal of Personality and Individual Differences, I found significant positive correlations between both narcissistic (including both vulnerable and grandiose narcissism) and psychopathic partner traits and the use of manipulation tactics such as jealousy induction, particularly for grandiose narcissism and psychopathy.
Other research demonstrates why narcissists and psychopaths engage in this type of behavior. The findings of these studies indicate that overall, narcissistic and psychopathic partners can provoke jealousy as a strategic strategy to gain power and control over their partners, but how and why they do so is nuanced.
What Are Some Examples of Jealousy Induction?
They flaunt giving something they know you desired to someone else.
One of the ways toxic people try to provoke jealousy in their partners is to take an inventory of your expressed desires. They may even purposely go out of their way to give someone they know has harmed you something you asked for. This is a deplorable tactic used to destabilize and punish you for “daring” to ask for more when you’ve already gone out of your way to provide for them and please them. These desires don’t have to be particularly demanding; sometimes they are the bare minimum, considering what you’ve given them. Perhaps you’ve told them you want a commitment, or more thoughtful gifts, or just some extra attention and affection – the same things you’ve probably already given them in spades. In the love bombing phase, these individuals may give you what you desire to keep you invested in the relationship, but in the devaluation phase of the relationship, narcissistic and psychopathic individuals will go out of their way to flaunt giving those very things you asked for to other people and ensure that you know this.
Jealousy provocation also has the added “reward” of allowing narcissists access to resources from each and every victim – whether that resource be wealth, status, or simply ego boosts. It also serves as a way to punish victims for seeking to be independent agents and to keep them reliant on the narcissist’s approval.
You may be wondering: why would anyone fall into this trap? It’s because jealousy induction can happen in covert, underhanded ways meant to subtly make victims question themselves. The narcissist’s false mask helps to reinforce his or her charming presence, which lures both potential victims as well previous partners into a horrific abuse cycle filled with love-bombing idealization, cruel and callous devaluation and a comfort-punishment dynamic that creates trauma bonding between victim and predator.
They constantly mention ex-partners or potential love prospects in excessive ways.
A major way you can tell if you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic person is how often they try to bring other people into the dynamic of your relationship. This is the date that brings up their exes and flirts with the waitress or pursues inappropriately close friendships with the opposite sex that they flaunt to try to make you jealous. They may constantly bring up other people to try to make you feel insecure, whether it be a shady friend, a co-worker, or a past lover.
They weaponize the traits of another person to try to point out perceived flaws or shortcomings in you, creating false equivalencies or fabricated flaws.
Narcissists and psychopaths love to brag about other people they’ve dated or people they associate with as a way to inflate their own self-image. They use these people as objects, and love to pit people against one another. One of the ways they can do this is by excessively talking about someone else’s achievements or qualities as a way to try to diminish you. For example, they may start talking about how their co-worker Amanda has long legs, or how their friend Jared gives the best hugs. They may talk about how their ex-partner became a doctor and flaunt this to their spouse, who they isolated from working. These comments and false equivalencies tend to be frequent and used to test your reactions. They may also start to neglect you while hyperfocusing on someone else, even after they’ve love bombed you ardently into the relationship.
They attempt to “replace” you by treating someone else the way they treated you during the idealization phase, but ultimately fail.
Narcissists and psychopaths enjoy the idea that people are disposable and can be easily replaced. However, this is where they overestimate themselves and make a grave error that exposes them.