Why Narcissistic Men Coerce Women Who Want Relationships Into Situationships
The psychology behind this insidious form of coercion and control.
Written by trauma expert and researcher Shahida Arabi, MA
Photo by Kate Kozyrka
Anyone of any gender can be a narcissist and female narcissists have their own repertoire of disturbing and harmful behaviors against women which I have spoken about extensively in previous posts.
However, misogyny and hookup culture embedded in modern dating brings with it a plethora of systemic issues that actively harm women. These issues must be addressed especially in the context that research shows a link between misogynistic hostility toward women and narcissism in men, and also shows an association between sexually coercive behaviors and narcissistic traits.
Since 2017, I have also written articles and viral social media posts on hookup culture, interviewed hundreds of women on why they have left dating apps and dating in general en masse, and how modern dating culture, relationships, and marriage disproportionately harm women, extracting high levels of domestic, sexual, and emotional labor that is not socially expected of men according to research. Women also face exponentially higher risks of violence, assault, deception, and the misrepresentation of their partner’s true intentions and motives in the dating world.
One question that often arises and one I answered most frequently back in 2023 is why manipulative and misogynistic men in the dating world deceive and coerce women they know are specifically looking for dating into casual “situationships,” sometimes even under the guise that they want a commitment.
The reason manipulative, misogynistic, and narcissistic men who only want casual sex pursue women who they know want relationships is because they want power and leverage over women. They could easily find a woman who also wants a casual fling but they don’t want a detached woman — they prefer deceiving and coercing women who they think “like” them for an ego boost. They dangle the future-faking carrot of romantic love and the illusion of potential commitment to make women chase them and lure them into precarious, undefined situationships to keep them around for sex, resources, labor, and ego validation.
Consent by deception is not fully informed consent. It’s a power play for a narcissist or psychopath to pull the wool over their target’s eyes and they experience “duping delight” when doing so. For them, nothing is as satisfying as the thrill of overriding consent whether through their charming false mask or false promises. They want to manipulate a woman who invests in them. They want to humble beautiful, empathic, successful women and view this “conquest” as a trophy to validate them.
A woman who doesn’t care about misogynistic men, has high standards for how she wants to be treated, only allows men who bring substantial value to her life access, and actively decenters men who don’t deflates their ego.
Their Real Motives Are Exposed When the Woman Is Detached
After all, you might ask, why don’t they pursue women who also want something casual, or enlist the services of a worker if they are so hungry for physical intimacy? It’s because it gives them less power and leverage. A woman who doesn’t fear losing a man and is just as ready to “use” him as he does her is fully in her power. A woman who is compensated for engaging with him does not boost his ego. And a “high-maintenance” difficult woman who expects a certain level of respect and courtship to even have any kind of access in the first place? Well, that’s lethal kryptonite to a narcissist who seeks control and leverage.
You’ll notice that even when as a woman you’re the one who seeks something casual, these types of manipulators suddenly begin fast-forwarding and love-bombing you, pretending to desire a deeper relationship with you knowing they will “switch up” quickly if they convince you to settle for them because no matter what the particular romantic arrangement is, their biggest thrill is having power over you, having you fixated on them, and overriding your consent and ability to choose freely with agency.
Many women have reported that no matter what the particular arrangement is — whether monogamous or non-monogamous, manipulators will find a way to violate one of their boundaries to gain that leverage…