Image by Alexander Mass
The methods discussed in this article appeared as early as 2016 in my books and other articles published on paid-subscriber and paywalled websites.
Written by psychopathology expert Shahida Arabi, MA
Breaking up with a toxic person, narcissist, or psychopath is not easy, especially if you are in an abusive relationship with them. Breaking up with a person who is not narcissistic is hard enough, but when you’re dealing with a manipulator, the road to freedom is rocky, to say the least.
Leaving an abusive relationship, whether emotionally abusive, financially abusive, physically abusive, or all of the above, can be one of the most dangerous times for domestic violence victims. It is no surprise, then, that survivors of domestic violence attempt to leave the abusive relationship an average of seven times before they finally leave for good.
In detaching from a narcissist, expect that will be lots of trial and error. Experts note that on average, a person usually leaves an abusive relationship seven times before they finally leave for good. So if you’re finding that it’s been difficult to leave and stay away from the toxic relationship, you’re not alone.
Your addiction to the narcissist is a deep, intense, and emotionally charged one. It is also a biochemical addiction as your brain has become accustomed to constant highs and lows and chaos. As a result, you’ll probably endure many setbacks on your journey when fully detaching from a toxic person. You’ll miss them and the person they pretended to be, you’ll second-guess yourself, and you’ll be tempted to romanticize the relationship for fear of losing out.
This is usually due to the strength of trauma bonds, fear of retaliation, and diminished self-esteem that usually occurs in abusive relationships – as well as the many forms of emotional and financial dependence victims are coerced into by their abusers.
Not only can narcissistic and psychopathic individuals be extremely manipulative and exploitative, they tend to have a sixth sense for when their partners are withdrawing from them and will usually try to manipulate them back into the cycle of abuse. You’ll likely have to emotionally process the relationship numerous times in many different ways and go through some severe temporary pain to get to the other side of freedom – but it’s well worth it, considering you’d lose out on many years wasting time on a person who mistreats you otherwise.
In planning a break-up with a narcissist or psychopath, it’s important to be strategic and to anticipate the tactics of narcissists and psychopaths.
Here is the ultimate guide to breaking up with a narcissist, and five different methods you can use to detach for good.
As you may have guessed, there is no simple black-and-white and one-size-fits-all plan that allows someone to make a painless break from a narcissist. The journey is not an easy one, though it brings with it the ultimate reward of regaining your sense of self.
How survivors finally break up with a narcissist depends on the circumstances of every individual: the longevity of the relationship, the severity of the trauma experienced, the survivor’s coping resources, their support networks, their internal willingness to end the relationship, their current options, and the presence of children are just a few of the factors that play a role in ending a relationship with an abusive person.
Here are five different methods you can use if you are thinking of leaving a narcissist or psychopath for good. Adapt these to your unique circumstances and safety concerns. Always consult a therapist and law enforcement to consider how to implement any of these tips for your particular situation, and ensure you have a safety plan in place.
You may primarily choose one technique that best suits your circumstances or use a combination of tips from all these techniques.
1) The Slow Fade.
This technique is used to incrementally detach from the narcissistic individual in a way that allows you to desensitize yourself slowly to their absence while escaping their notice. If you are not ready to leave the relationship yet or have other barriers in the way of leaving, the slow fade can be a more flexible way to recondition yourself to enjoying life without their interference.
This is ideal for situations where you are not living with the narcissist, as some abusers may physically isolate and punish you for daring to live a life outside of them. This is also best for situations where the narcissistic individual is already devaluing you and attempting to use intermittent reinforcement (an alteration of mean and kind behavior) to keep you trauma bonded to them by giving you the bare minimum mixed with random incidents of affection and attention.
It is important to remember that in any type of toxic relationship, there is usually some type of trauma bond that has formed. In order to leave, you’ll have to start breaking that bond.
A trauma bond is a connection formed between abuser and victim through intense, psychological abuse, hot and cold behavior, betrayal, seduction, and a power imbalance. That means that in order to even be willing to think about breaking up with a narcissist, you’ll have to put a few dents in that bond. How do you do this? You start by reconnecting with the reality of the abuse and the abuser. Write down the abusive incidents to counter any form of “abuse amnesia” that may occur during times when the abuser is acting sweet and loving. Speak to a trauma-informed counselor who knows about the dynamics of abuse, can help you identify abuse tactics and discuss your various options for coping and detaching from the abusive person safely.
It’s important to note that when seeking help, you keep in mind that not every therapist is equipped to deal with an abuse survivor who has experienced a narcissist. In fact, there are many invalidating therapists out there who can unintentionally retraumatize a victim by causing the victim to look within more than they should – leading to self-blame and staying within the relationship to “make it work.”
Avoid couples therapy, as it can make gaslighting and the threat of retaliation worse. Instead, turn to individualized therapy to process your traumas in a specialized therapy with a trauma-informed counselor familiar with narcissism and covert abuse dynamics such as EMDR or DBT.
You’re going to get attempts from the narcissist to make you stay. In order to resist these attempts, you’ll have to be strategic.
A narcissist doesn’t like having his or her control taken away. Breaking up with one is sure to inflict a “narcissistic injury” that can induce narcissistic rage, and even stalking and harassment. Although some people are able to leave the narcissist right away, not all are in the position to do so.
Keeping this in mind, it’s important to create an emotional and physical safety plan ahead of time to ensure that you have a safe place to retreat and skills to help you cope in the aftermath. It’s also good to be wary of your partner suddenly being warm and affectionate towards you when they notice you’re withdrawing.
Sometimes the best strategy is not to clue them into your inevitable departure; act as if you are busy with other projects or are preoccupied with something else if they seem to get suspicious. Use the Grey Rock Method to seem emotionally unreactive when they try to provoke you; this may help to get them off your back momentarily. If you find that they escalate in their provocations when you do, refer to the third method, “the great illusion,” as described below, instead.
In the meantime, if you happen to be cohabiting or married to the narcissist, get your finances together, seek the support of a lawyer well-versed in high-conflict divorces, and start to build your coping resources to rebuild your sense of independence. This could range from visiting your local domestic violence shelter to finding local communities such as meditation or yoga centers.
Using this method, you are not settling for their crumbs of love-bombing. Instead, while they’re devaluing you, you’re re-idealizing yourself. Use their silent treatments, absences, disappearances, or sudden withholding as time for you to heal, recover, and plan your departure. They key is taking advantage of these periods to benefit your mental and physical health.
As you spend more of your time on self-care, healing, therapy, affirmations, career goals, exercise, hobbies, and support networks outside of the narcissist, these “periods of peace” will remind you of how joyful life can be without their abuse and mistreatment. The added bonus is that you will also be “leveling up” in areas of your life, which will make it more excruciating for you to be in the presence of someone who is continually trying to put you down and detract from your otherwise positive experiences.
During this time, you will engage in “reality checking” to ensure you are in touch with the reality of the abuse and why you need to leave the relationship; these forms of reality checking tap into the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which is often dampened in the face of trauma. In order to calm the hyperactive “emotional” amygdala and reconnect with the more “reasoning” part of their traumatized brains, survivors can find it helpful to visit forums, websites, or read books on narcissism and manipulation during this time to better identify the tactics they were subjected to.
Eventually, you will get to a place where you know you can survive without them and be ready to leave when the time comes.
Remember: just because you’re still with the narcissist does not mean you can’t get a head start on healing and finding connections outside of the relationship. In fact, doing so can help strengthen your resolve to leave because you’re likely to encounter people who will remind you of the respectful and loving way you do deserve to be treated.
Also keep in mind that when you’ve left a narcissist for good, he or she may still find ways to reach out to you. This is what people have colloquially termed “hoovering,” named after the Hoover vacuum, where the narcissist tries to “suck you back” into the toxicity of the relationship. In order to resist hoovering attempts, you have to stick to as little contact as possible based on your specific situation.
2) The reverse discard and the grey rock method.
The reverse discard is when you subtly push the narcissistic individual to discard you first so that there is a reduced chance of narcissistic rage or retaliation since they feel they have “won” the break-up…