How to Decenter Narcissistic Men As A Woman
What does it look like?
Written by trauma and psychopathology researcher Shahida Arabi, MA
While narcissistic or otherwise manipulative people can be of any gender identity (in previous posts, I’ve also written about female narcissists), it’s clear that women experience unique and disproportionate risks and burdens in modern dating culture, marriage, and relationships due to systemic inequalities and misogyny including but not limited to: the risks of sexual assault, coercion, and deception; the misrepresentation of their dating partner’s intentions in hookup culture; and the higher risk of violence worldwide.
Not all misogynists or manipulative people are full-fledged narcissists, but narcissistic traits tend to be associated with hostility and antagonism in men toward heterosexual women specifically, according to studies. Narcissism as well as psychopathy can be potential risk factors for domestic violence perpetration, bullying, and aggression. Many women have encountered male narcissists, especially in modern dating culture, or at the very least, dating partners with manipulative and misogynistic traits.
Women are also socially conditioned to undertake the majority of domestic and emotional labor for little compensation, sacrifice their goals and well-being for relationships regardless of the quality of the relationship, and prioritize their relationship and dating partners over their self-care. In short? They are taught to center their male dating partners, not themselves — and this can place them in danger, wasting significant time and energy pouring into partners who may deceive them, assault them, or even worse — take their lives altogether.
Unfortunately, because many women are taught to center their male dating partners (and relationship status in general) over their authentic needs and desires, they may be prone to minimizing the red flags.
So what can we do to help deprogram and decondition women from habits that lead to self-betrayal in this modern dating culture ripe with deception and manipulation? Here’s a list of how to start.
Develop a strategic cost-benefits analysis toward dating, rather than buying into romantic fantasies with low-effort men who dangle the carrot of commitment to manipulate you into investing in them. This includes not taking all men’s words at face value and never assuming all of them are actually looking for a relationship. Hold onto the knowledge that too many men in the modern dating world are looking for pleasure, an ego stroke, or a trophy rather than a genuine partnership. You must evaluate your dating partners with skeptical and cautious optimism, not rose-colored minimization or rationalization and romanticization of the red flags.
Exercise your right not to perform labor and invest primarily in yourself. If you are in any kind of relationship, you are not responsible for being an on-call therapist or secretary, especially since, as a woman, you face a higher risk of violence and deception and often are asked to carry out more emotional and domestic labor (sometimes even financial labor). Your investment should focus on you, not dating partners. You don’t owe it to any dating partner to cook or clean for them, make their daily lunches, or build up their career only for them to abandon you after you served as their “emotional support girlfriend” during their many years of law school, graduate school, medical school/residency, or supporting their business. Don’t give out big loans or purchase big gifts for a dating or relationship partner either.