Have you heard about the abusive method known as countering? Countering is an abusive method where a toxic individual chronically opposes and expresses antagonism toward your thoughts, feelings, ideas, interests, opinions, perceptions, likes, dislikes, emotions and experiences you express either excitement or concern about.
Hi Caren, there are many ways to respond to countering depending on the context. 1) You can use a "hands off" approach where you do not engage with the person when they are attempting to provoke you through countering. This means finding a way to exit the interaction as soon as you sense it escalating (or making a believable excuse to leave, if you have any uncertainty about them retaliating). This does require that you process your emotions away from the individual and that you mindfully curb your natural response in the moment. You have to imagine that this person is like a toddler who is just trying to get your attention, and not someone who is actually making any rational points. Remind yourself that they are speaking nonsense and would just as easily say the opposite opinion if they knew it would trigger you. "Translate" what their opposing viewpoint actually means - this will help you stay grounded in your reality. For example, if they started arguing with you about a movie you watched, recognize it's an attempt to control your emotions. Remind yourself of what you really thought of the movie and stay grounded in your own perspective. 2) You can take a more proactive approach if you do not have any safety concerns. This means letting them know firmly where you stand on a subject and saying it's not up for debate. If you encounter resistance, then you can quickly exit the conversation by saying something like, "You can think however you wish, I still disagree" and ending the conversation there. Doing this a few times can make them realize you will not tolerate such debates - but depending on whether they have a retaliatory personality, I would be careful with this one. 3) You can take an indirect approach by letting them think they achieved something when they didn't. When you notice that they are dropping hints of trying to counter/oppose you, do not try to argue. Instead, change the subject or say a neutral "Hmm." Divert the conversation to something about them that will cause them to then talk about themselves (e.g. "Hmm. So, by the way, how is work going?). This will give you a break from the countering and make them think they've "won" somehow, but actually brings the control back to you by giving you relief from the argument they were trying to begin.
I would use this tactic more if you're forced to interact with this person, but if you have more freedom, #1 is the best bet for total disengagement. Hope that helps!
Thank you so much! This is very helpful!
I have someone in my life who has done this to me for 13 years. What is the best way to respond.
Hi Caren, there are many ways to respond to countering depending on the context. 1) You can use a "hands off" approach where you do not engage with the person when they are attempting to provoke you through countering. This means finding a way to exit the interaction as soon as you sense it escalating (or making a believable excuse to leave, if you have any uncertainty about them retaliating). This does require that you process your emotions away from the individual and that you mindfully curb your natural response in the moment. You have to imagine that this person is like a toddler who is just trying to get your attention, and not someone who is actually making any rational points. Remind yourself that they are speaking nonsense and would just as easily say the opposite opinion if they knew it would trigger you. "Translate" what their opposing viewpoint actually means - this will help you stay grounded in your reality. For example, if they started arguing with you about a movie you watched, recognize it's an attempt to control your emotions. Remind yourself of what you really thought of the movie and stay grounded in your own perspective. 2) You can take a more proactive approach if you do not have any safety concerns. This means letting them know firmly where you stand on a subject and saying it's not up for debate. If you encounter resistance, then you can quickly exit the conversation by saying something like, "You can think however you wish, I still disagree" and ending the conversation there. Doing this a few times can make them realize you will not tolerate such debates - but depending on whether they have a retaliatory personality, I would be careful with this one. 3) You can take an indirect approach by letting them think they achieved something when they didn't. When you notice that they are dropping hints of trying to counter/oppose you, do not try to argue. Instead, change the subject or say a neutral "Hmm." Divert the conversation to something about them that will cause them to then talk about themselves (e.g. "Hmm. So, by the way, how is work going?). This will give you a break from the countering and make them think they've "won" somehow, but actually brings the control back to you by giving you relief from the argument they were trying to begin.
I would use this tactic more if you're forced to interact with this person, but if you have more freedom, #1 is the best bet for total disengagement. Hope that helps!