Quote of the Day
Written by psychopathology expert Shahida Arabi, MA
It is not empathy, compassion, or forgiveness that breaks the trauma bond with a narcissist. Surprisingly, it is your anger, your ego, and your pride that have the potential to bring you back into a healthy state of self-defense and break through the mental fog with more clarity and certainty about how unacceptable the abuse you’re experiencing is. Even when self-love and self-respect have been eroded by the effects of trauma - anger and pride, as well as outrage at having your self-concept belittled- these can still kick in to save your life when you need it the most, because the ego wants to defend you and protect your rights.
Without anger or the ego, many misuse empathy and compassion to sympathize with and rationalize the narcissist’s behavior or to overexplain themselves and their feelings in hopes that the narcissist will change. Spiritual communities may demonize the ego, but suppressing the ego only suppresses your natural defense system against predators.
The reason narcissists pathologize your valid anger in response to their chronic mistreatment is because they know anger is one of the most powerful emotions that breaks through the gaslighting, the mental fog, and self-doubt that ultimately helps you break the trauma bond that keeps you tethered to them. That’s why they tell you to not hold a grudge and "let it go,” to prematurely forgive them. They don’t want you to connect to the authentic outrage at being violated that frees you from them.
It’s all about using the ego strategically. Avoid using the ego or your anger to exhaust yourself arguing with the narcissist or to excessively prove your worth to them or participating in their love triangles by trying to compete. Use your ego to tap back into your natural survival and self-protective instincts and your authentic anger at being violated in order to detach and exit from the relationship instead.
— ©️Shahida Arabi, MA — The Audie Award Nominated book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is available in all major physical bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble, and everywhere books are sold.
Recent Paid-Subscriber In-Depth Articles
Why Betrayal by Narcissists Strengthens The Bond: Cognitive Dissonance and the Sunk Cost Fallacy
Written by Shahida Arabi, MA, psychopathology expert
10 Clever Ways to “Counter-Manipulate” A Covert Narcissist
Counter-manipulation is not about manipulating others for a personal agenda; it is about keeping yourself safe. It is about neutralizing toxic situations and practicing preemptive strategies before the aggression of covert narcissists begin to escalate. A covert, vulnerable narcissist may work more underhandedly than the outwardly grandiose one, retaliating and raging against their innocent targets in response to perceived slights in ways that fall under the radar. The intensity of their envy and need to sabotage may remain disguised. As a result, targets must prepare themselves. Here are ten effective strategies to do so.
The Audie Award nominated book Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is available in all major physical bookstores including your local Barnes & Noble and everywhere books are sold.
You can also purchase it directly from the publisher here or alternatively on Amazon here or all other retailers of your choice as well!
Editorial Reviews
“This book is a must-read for anyone wanting to understand why they became so unhealthily attached to a toxic person, and how to reclaim personal power and integrity.” —George Simon, PhD, author of the international best-seller, In Sheep’s Clothing, and Character Disturbance
“Shahida Arabi masterfully educates readers about the complex intersection of neuroscience and the intricacies of healing in the aftermath of psychological abuse. Written in a style that is digestible, informative, and packed with research, Shahida’s book will no doubt serve as an essential guide for survivors and helping professionals alike. Bravo, Shahida!” —Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker/psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, and author of Soul Vampires
“Shahida Arabi’s work has contributed mightily to our understanding of how to help victims identify, avoid, and escape from toxic narcissists and psychopaths. Her latest book, Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths, brilliantly outs the dynamics of such exploitive, destructive people. Her guidance on escaping from ensnaring narcissists is the most comprehensive I have ever read. Anyone who reads it will be aided greatly in avoiding or breaking trauma bonds.” —Pete Walker, LMFT, traumatologist, and best-selling author of Complex PTSD
“A transformational book for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it provides a killer combination of impeccable research, science, and case studies to reassure readers that what happened to them was no one-off or in any way their fault, and, additionally, that the distress they feel is not an ‘overreaction,’ but the measurable effect of trauma on their brains—which can, happily, be gradually reverted by doing the healing work Arabi outlines.” —Annie Kaszina, PhD, www.recoverfromemotionalabuse.com, and author of Married to Mr. Nasty and The Woman You Want to Be
“Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths is a vital resource for survivors seeking to reclaim their mental and emotional well-being. Shahida’s insightful guidance empowers individuals to break free from the destructive cycles of manipulative relationships. With clarity and compassion, this book provides a road map for detaching from toxic bonds and rediscovering inner strength. A must-read for those ready to break free from the grips of trauma and reclaim their sense of self.” —Lisa A. Romano, life coach and award-winning author specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery
“Readers will find validation and clarity in Shahida Arabi’s science-based, research-backed analysis. They will also encounter a knowledgeable and compassionate guide who provides hope and the important steps to begin to support the self-awareness necessary to break through the disorientation and fragmentation that accompanies this kind of destructive relational dynamic, and ultimately return to wholeness.” —Gretchen Seitz, DAOM, LAc, owner of Seitz Acupuncture and Integrative Health